Fleeting...

Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!

Psalm 39:5

It's such a cliche but my goodness how time flies! I used to think verses like the one above were a bit dramatic but I am starting to understand more and more how fleeting life is and how little time we actually get at each stage.

It's easy to think when you have a child that 'this is it, for the rest of my life'. You feel like your identity is now 'mum' and will always be. It's true that you will now be a mum for the rest of your life but your role is forever changing and being a mum is never a static position. You change from being breast-feeder to bottom-wiper to craft-organiser to discipliner to school-runner and so on.

I took Chloe to a party today with some mums from another church who I know lots about but don't see too often. Every time I do see them, I am amazed by how much the children have all changed. It was also noticeable today that many of the older children have now gone to school. Some of those mums will be nearing the end of the going-to-parties-during-the-week stage (at least in term time). I find that such a strange thought!

Tomorrow we have Chloe's first school visit. We are choosing between 3 primary schools for her ready for next September. It's very surreal that I am nearing the end of my time with her at home. I have very mixed feelings about it, as I will miss her terribly but I am also so excited to see her grow and flourish at school. Being a teacher helps, I think, because I really love education and know what wonderful places schools can be.

Having said that, I know I will be the mum who comes home and cries the first day Chloe is at school!

Some thoughts on breastfeeding

I've been thinking about breast feeding recently. Livia is now on two bottles of formula a day (with no expressed breast milk added now). I am planning on replacing the lunchtime breast feed with a bottle in the next month so I no longer need to express at school. That will leave me with the morning and evening breast feeds which I am planning to continue for now.

At this stage with Chloe I had already nearly finished weaning her off the boob and replaced all her feeds with formula. I was done with breast feeding and felt no longing to continue. There was no reason why I had to stop, other than I wanted my body back, wanted to wear normal clothes/bras and just felt ready.

This time however, I feel completely different and am mourning every feed I have dropped. I have had a much easier time breastfeeding with Livia and I'm so much more relaxed about nursing in public too. I have truly enjoyed it. I love the closeness and the feeling that my body is providing for Livia. I especially appreciate it because of Livia's allergies.

I have never been a massive breastfeeding advocate. As in, I love breastfeeding and would always try to breastfeed my children. But I don't agree with the pressure put on women to breastfeed and understand the reasons why people choose formula. I think it is much more important for women to feel confident and relaxed in the early stages of motherhood.

I am also interested in the effects that breastfeeding has on your emotions. How being able/ not able to breastfeed and dropping breastfeeds can have a severe impact on how you feel. I have recently been feeling a bit wobbly again and it has come at the same time as drastically dropping the amount I am feeding Livia. I wonder whether my hormones are affected by this and then make me feel more emotional than usual? Don't know!

Anyway, so here's my tribute to breastfeeding and the wonderful experience that it is. I am so happy I have been able to breastfeed my children and I know that when it's right for me to stop God will make that clear too.

Fab-li-ous!

We've been having a bit of a rough week. Chloe had a cold/cough which has lasted aages and eventually turned into a double ear infection. Antibiotics again! And now she is better, Livia has developed a horrible cough too.

But in the midst of all this poorliness, we has a funny moment at bathtime the other day. Chloe was in the bath and I was feeding Livia next door (J was working late). Chloe was playing with these dress-up doll stickers she has for the bath. I could hear her saying 'try these glasses on. Wow you look wonderful. You are fab-li-ous (fabulous)!' 

No idea where she's picked that from lol!

Busy weeks

It feels like this week is the proper start of the new term. Chloe has gone back to preschool today, my work is as it's going to be (ie no more insets) and my parents and J are all at work too.

I quite like the busy-ness of term time and having a structure to our weeks. In sure in a few weeks I'll be pining for the freedom of the holidays, but generally I think a little regularity is good for me. When you have preschool children, especially if you aren't working, a week is a loooong time to find things to occupy them!

This is what our week looks like:

Monday: Chloe at preschool (pm)

Tuesday: Work (my mother-in -law has the girls)

Wednesday: Work (MIL or J have the girls, alternates each week)

Thursday: Chloe at preschool (am)

Friday: Freeeeee

I have purposefully left Friday with nothing organised so that I have space in the week to go and visit friends or go out for the day. It's also useful for long weekends etc. As Chloe gets closer to starting school I may introduce another preschool session to get her used to going more but I'm undecided about that. I also quite want her to start swimming lessons in January so I need to squeeze that in somewhere!

So, that's our week! It's going to be strange adjusting but today has gone well. Chloe enjoyed being back at preschool but came home exhausted so is now having a late nap. Probably better wake her up or she'll never sleep later!

Talk soon :)

Back to work... the verdict

I did it! I started back at work! It's been a crazy, at times stressful, but very successful couple of days. All in all I've loved being back. I really enjoy teaching and its been lovely to catch up with some good friends and meet my new classes. 

Chloe and Livia have adjusted better than I could have hoped. No tears on being left from either of them and both eating, drinking and sleeping well for my mother-in-law. I'm so happy after all the work I've put in getting then ready for this change. When I think where we were 2 months ago, with Livia not able to have formula, refusing bottles and crying when left with anyone, I feel so thankful to God for his amazing faithfulness throughout all of this.

On another note, I feel a little bit like I'm in a sitcom at work! I think having a baby has made me a bit loopy and clumsy which has led to some embarrassing situations! Yesterday I put the date on the board as 4/02/13, not noticing until a girl pointed out it was September, not February. This is Livia's due date so clearly have it on the brain! On the first day back I fell flat on my back after hurrying to my car. I was very glad the girls weren't back that day to see! 

The most awkward part of going back to work has been trying to express at work. I had wanted to avoid this but I'm not quite ready to give up the lunchtime feed just yet. I think I'll try and keep it up until Livia drops the 10 or 4 o clock feed. As you can imagine this has the potential to create lots of embarrassing situations! The school have been amazing and have given me a key to use the deputy head's old office (she left at the end of last year, rather acrimoniously!). They even moved a fridge in for me - up a flight of stairs! 

The funny part is that there have been muttering amongst the staff because the office's window was papered up (to give me privacy) and everyone thinks that the school are trying to remove all evidence of the old deputy head, ha! I don't really want the world to know what I'm doing so I try to sneak into the office without anyone seeing.

Yesterday when I went to express I couldn't get the pump to work and was getting really stressed and upset. Breast feeding mums will know the feeling when you need to feed/express NOW! Turns out i had the wires in the wrong holes so thankfully got it working. Although then I was so stressed that I couldn't get my milk to come properly (sorry if too much information!). I had the same problem last night when expressing too because I got all uptight about it again. So this is something I need to pray about, that I can relax enough to make it work. Expressing at work is definitely not the most relaxing situation. I keep thinking the girls/staff waking past the office will here the whirr of the pump and wonder what on earth is going on!

I'm feeling so happy today! So pleased that it has all worked out well and that God has provided for me so spectacularly :) Thank you to anyone who has prayed for us; I know there were a lot of you x

Tower

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe. 

Proverbs 18:10

Today was my first afternoon back at work. It was an inset day and the same tomorrow, so no proper teaching until Wednesday. I really enjoyed going into work today, especially as there was no teaching so it was mainly about catching up with people and preparing for the coming term. I really enjoy the start of the school year, where there are so many great expectations (and nothing has yet gone wrong!).

However I am feeling a little wobbly about it all. I feel like I love my work but I also love being at home with my daughters and it is hard to do both. I still feel like 2 days a week suits us well and the long holidays help too. But I can't give my all to work because of the girls. I see some of my friends at work progressing up the career ladder and do feel a little jealous. And then I think of my girls getting upset without me around and my heart feels all sad I'm not with them.

In this circumstance I know I have I hold onto God's truth. I believe he gave me this job and has given me wonderful parents and parents-in-law who help me with childcare. I know they are great with the girls and God is watching over them too. I know God is blessing my career at my school and it isn't a sin to be proud of what I have achieved at work or to want to progress in my career. God has many opportunities for me there!

The verse at the top of the page keeps coming back to me at the moment. When I feel weak and wobbly at the thought of the next couple of days, I remember that God is a tower and I can hide myself in him. When the world/devil comes to attack me, I know it's not small, unstable me being buffeted; it's a huge and mighty tower which can withstand anything.

Thank you Lord for being my stronghold and being strong where I am weak. I could not do anything in life without you. Thank you for caring about all the trivial details in my life and walking with me in whatever I am doing.