Confidence

It surprises me the way even little children can suffer from low confidence. It's easy to look at those early years with rose-tinted glasses and imagine they are days of being carefree and not worrying about how others view you. Maybe some children are like that but I'm realising that, for Chloe at least, how confident she feels has a real impact on her behaviour, effort and emotions.

The last few weeks at swimming have been tricky for Chloe. She has forgotten quite a bit over the summer and the people in her class have changed too. The first week back Chloe got halfway through the class and was struggling a bit with what she was being asked to do. She told her teachers she had a sore throat and they escorted her back to me. I knew she probably wasn't ill but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Later, when it was clear she was fine, we chatted about it and she admitted she had felt a bit upset in the lesson.

The week after wasn't much better. Chloe started well but as soon as the instructors wanted them to move onto using their arms as well as their legs on her back, she found it difficult and didn't have the confidence to keep trying. She kept stopping to look for the instructor and relied on their help more than usual. I had a word with the teacher at the end and said I felt she had lost her confidence a bit.

This morning I was determined to give her a boost before Chloe began her lesson. We discussed trying and how lots of people do things they find difficult and manage to be much better than they think because they tried hard (she asked me what I had done recently, which was a challenge! I said doing assemblies at school ha!). She came out with, 'if you try try try, then you can can can!'

This week Chloe was like a different child. She pushed through when she was struggling and managed to do a whole length without putting her feet down, using arms and legs. This was something she hadn't managed even before the summer! The beaming smile on her face at the end of the lesson showed she was really happy with how she'd done (especially as her teacher said it was her best swim so far). I'm really glad she had such a positive experience of 'if you try try then you can can can!'

Marbles

Chloe has been testing us the last few weeks. She has started doing things which a couple of months ago, she just wouldn't do. I don't want to list all her misbehaviour but it's general disobedience and her attitude. I think because Chloe is an emotional and quite dramatic little bean, she can escalate situations in her mind and remain 'in a mood' about something, which then puts the day a bit out of kilter. It's quite hard to draw her out of a circle of attention-seeking bad behaviour, punishment and then a worse mood.

(As an aside, I wonder whether other parents find their children's behaviour deteriorates towards the end of the summer holidays? I feel a lot of it is boredom-related or that we're all losing our patience just a little!)

The sanctions we were using (mainly time outs or confiscations) were just not having any effect. We'd get into a crazy spiral of Chloe having various things confiscated and we couldn't keep track of it! Or she'd be brooding in her room, not really calming down. I guess these are good occasional punishments but don't do much to promote good behaviour. Things had to change.

Our latest plan (and it's early days so it may fail completely!) is to have a jar with marbles in - 10 at the start of the week. Chloe can gain marbles for good behaviour; especially following commands straight away! She will lose marbles if we have to keep repeating ourselves and she is deliberately ignoring us. Or any serious offence (picking on Livia is going to be a big one!). If she gets to Friday with 10 or more marbles then she can stay up late and play a game with us. Chloe seems keen on the idea today so I am hoping it will be something she will get on board with. 

I will keep you posted on how it works out!

Note to an expectant mum

I'm sorry I have just realised that this post was never published because I wrote it in Cornwall where the reception is very dodgy and it kept failing! So this was written mid-August.

[On another note, I know I am posting a lot less than I was. I think that's how it's going to be for a while. Thanks again for reading.]

I was at a baby-shower last week where we were writing little notes of wisdom to the new mum. I always find it really tricky to think of something in that situation, put on the spot and half-listening to the conversations around you. I wrote something which I think will be helpful but it's not really the message I would really want to communicate to a new mum.

We are currently on holiday in Cornwall. It's been a lovely trip so far, nothing exotic or fast-paced, just days on the beach and days wandering around Cornish towns. Perfect. Lots of time for thinking too. 

I've been lying in bed and pondering the message I wished I had written at the baby-shower. I think the top message I would want to give a new mum would be: your main job in raising your child is to love them as God loves you. It is not to teach them manners, or to get them to eat all their dinner. It is not to breast-feed them or buy them trendy clothes. It is not to teach them phonics or how to behave themselves in church. How releasing! How simple! All the rest will follow.

It reminds me of the verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matt 6.33

Life is about loving God and then sharing that love with those around us. I so wish I could remember that in all those moments when I start comparing myself or judging my own efforts. I would love an expectant mum to have that in mind as she began parenthood.