Families

I find families so interesting, anyone else? I am always asking people how many brothers and sisters they had and whether they liked it or wished their family had been different. I also watch a couple of Vlogs on YouTube which follow various families because I love the insight it gives into how family life works for them.

As Livia gets bigger I am thinking more and more about what our family will look like. Will it just be the two girls or will we decide to have any more children? I still don't know the answer to that question! I love the idea of a big family and find big families really interesting (did anyone else love the documentary '19 Kids and Counting'?). But I love the fact we have two girls and like the fact I can spend so much time with each of them. Hmm...

I guess I am also feeling quite broody which is unexpected for me! I miss the newborn stage already - Livia is getting ready for weaning soon eek! With Chloe I was in no rush to have another baby. We were perfectly happy to have a longish gap of 2 and a half years. If I miss a new baby already then I can't imagine never having that again!

I guess the good thing about having children young is that we have a long time to decide. Two girls for the moment is lovely. I am more than content!

Choose happiness

Life at the moment is going really well. There are lots of positives and not many negatives. Chloe is getting on really well at preschool; Livia is gorgeous and I'm loving interacting with her more; J is about to be announced as a new elder at our church, and I am busy with various little projects and have a nicely full diary with regular toddler groups, lovely friends to see and support from family.

The only thing about when times are good is that it can make you feel a bit sad that it won't last! I know that sounds very pessimistic but it's true! In a few months I will be returning to work 2 days a week which will change our routine completely. I am a bit nervous about how Livia is going to cope being away from me (especially as she won't even take a bottle yet!). Some close friends of ours are looking to move away, which is sad (but if you read this, I know it's for good reasons!). And probably the biggest thing for me is my parents are going back to India in January and are also selling our family home too.

A big part of me wants to mope about and feel sad about the changes that are coming. It's so easy to feel like you are entitled to feel bad and take it out on everyone else. But... There's nothing I can do about any of these things, especially mum and dad going, so I could either make life boring and miserable by choosing to feel sad, or I can choose happiness in the situation and enjoy the positive things in my life.

I trust that God has good things in store for me and he knows the path ahead. I am very thankful for times of blessing and plenty. But I know I will also have plenty of blessing in the hard times too.

 I will choose to praise God and be joyful today!

Update...

After posting this I was talking with Chloe. I haven't been great at choosing happiness today and have been a bit tearful. When I say 'choosing happiness' I don't mean denying how you really feel or making my kids think I don't approve of being sad. So I said to Chloe that I was feeling a bit sad today and I'm sorry for being tearful. She said 'Thats ok mummy. I'm trying to cheer you up.' What a beautiful girl!

Innocence

Doesn't the innocence of children sometimes tug on your heart strings? I am sure this is why we feel so outraged when crimes are committed against them. As I'm writing this, the news is on in the background, describing the court case of April Jones' murder. It makes my heart ache to think about an innocent girl being taken and killed.  I love that Jesus felt the same about people acting against children.

5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me,

6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Matthew 18:5-6

When I'm cuddling Livia and she smiles up at me, I sometimes feel so sad that she is so carefree and unaware of hardship and that this wont always be the case. I remember when we first left the hospital after she was born and we took her out into the cold and rain, I felt almost guilty that we were exposing her to this outside world. At that moment I wanted to run back to the warmth and safety of the hospital!

Another example of the innocence of children happened this week with Chloe. She was watching an episode of Charlie and Lola where Lola's best friend decides to be friends with someone else. After watching it she was a little quiet and then when it came to bedtime she suddenly became distraught. At first we thought Chloe was mucking around but she then began crying real tears and sobbing, saying 'Niamh [her cousin] isn't my best friend anymore.'

The idea of someone deciding not to be friends anymore seemed to have upset Chloe. It was like she hadn't realised this could happen and now she had, she was   imagining it happening to her (nothing had happened between her and her cousin so it can't have been based on real events!).

I wish I could put a little bubble around my children and protect them from the hurt and reality of this world. I wish they could stay at this stage of having all their needs met and relying on others to fight their battles. But I know that's not how life works and I have to trust God to teach them about the world without getting too bruised along the way. If they have God on their side then they will always be protected and have someone to share their hurts even when I'm not there.

Thank you lord for your love of children. Please protect my two girls as they learn about the world.

Happy home moments

Something I'm really treasuring at the moment is when I have special times at home with my girls. When Livia was first home I would feel quite anxious being alone with the two children but I'm starting to love it. These are the times when I can teach them, be creative with them, enjoy them and be very silly with them! I'm sure these will be the moments I really miss when school years start.

Here is a snapshot of our recent afternoons in the house (we usually go out in the mornings). Most of these are from Chloe's imagination!:

- Played egg and spoon, wheelbarrow and sprint races in the living room.

- I have been a friendly giant who invited Chloe for tea.

- Chloe, Livia and I got locked in a shop and had to try and escape.

- I have been teaching Chloe about languages and taught her some Latin.

- We have been practising letters on Chloe's easel.

- We have had a birthday party complete with musical chairs and pass the parcel.

- We made a tent with blankets and camped out (Livia included!).

Loving time with my girlies xx

Putting on armour

It's funny when God seems to be hammering home a message through a recurring theme in quiet times, Bible readings and preaches. Recently it seems like God's reminding me of life being a battlefield and the need to put on my spiritual armour everyday.

Even when life is pretty cushy and there are no obvious big battles going on, the devil can still find areas of weakness where he can attack us. Things are going well for our family but I still have days where I need to protect myself and 'fight' to live in the victory that Jesus has won for me.

So, for example, if I have a day where I have the girls by myself all day and I'm not seeing many people or I have to run some errands which they won't enjoy and which are likely to be stressful, I might be tempted to think in the morning that the day will go badly. Or if Chloe is having an early tantrum or Livia has had a bad night, I can write off the day as a failure without trying to think positively. If I start my day with my head down it is likely to go that way! When I had a rough couple of weeks after Livia was first born, I often felt anxious and depressed before anything had actually happened and didn't fight to control my mind and emotions. I almost didn't have the energy to try and get myself out of negative thinking.

It is obviously a good thing to cry out to God for help during moments of feeling down and anxious. But I think there is an element of needing to arm ourselves and fight the devil rather than passively letting life throw us about or waiting for rescue. God has already won the victory, the devil already is defeated and feelings of failure shouldn't apply to us.

I have found these verses helpful:

'8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.'

1 Peter 5:6-10

This verse instructs us to 'resist' the devil and not give in. It is calling for an active response. In the same way we are told to put on our spiritual armour - it isn't permanently attached! 

So the next time I have to take Chloe and Livia somewhere they are likely to act up or I have a day of no plans, I will resist the anxious knot in my stomach and don my shield of faith. I am so thankful that I have a God who provides me with divine protection in every day battles!

In control?

I've been going to a baby massage group which was suggested to me by my health visitor as I felt I was missing quality time with Livia. During the sessions there is time given to discuss how we are feeling and the problems we've been encountering with our babies.

A theme which seems to come up frequently is the feeling of failure which many mums feel when their babies don't do what they feel they should. So, for example, trying to get a baby into a routine and it failing, or baby crying all day and mum not being able to settle them.

I've felt this need to be 'in control' often as a mum. Even with Chloe, I sometimes find my mood and relationship with her can be affected by her behaviour. I know this is such a dangerous place to be in and I certainly never want either of girls to doubt my love for them!

However recently I've been finding things becoming easier. I don't feel like I am necessarily more 'in control' of things. Livia often cries all afternoon; Chloe will sometimes need to be put into time out because of bad behaviour at mums and toddlers. But I am accepting that is how life is with young children! This is the reality and I shouldn't allow perfectionism to creep in. 

Accepting and letting go makes life so much easier!'

Baby love!

A totally soppy post but here is a list of things I love about Livia at the moment...

- The way she sleeps with her arms stretched above her head.
- When I am feeding her and I feel she's stopped so I look down and she's staring at me and smiling!
- When she is about to feed and gets excited, with wide eyes, open mouth and fast breathing.
- The way she plays on her mat by waving her arms and going crazy with her legs.
- When I'm holding her and she goes all still and curls into my chest.
- The cute little cries she makes when she is fighting sleep and then drops off.
- Her squeals she has just started making when you talk to her.
- The way she rubs her eyes when she is tired.
- Her soft little head and warm body. Her squashy legs and the little rolls round her arms.

Aggghh she's so cuuute! Wish I could stop time for a little while!