Space

It's been the longest time since I have written anything here but I wanted to write down how I'm feeling today and other social media just wouldn't cut it! I am writing this as I'm trudging along on a rather drizzly dog walk. It doesn't sound appealing but to me it is so importantly refreshing. More and more I am depending on these 45 minutes out of the house, in the woods or on the Heath, clearing my mind and giving me space to think. 

I think there must be mums who love being at home in their own safe little space. I used to think I'd be that person. I am quite an introvert and like my own space. At a street BBQ yesterday which lasted 12-7(!) I was starting to itch for getting home and having a breather. It's a long time to make conversation for if that doesn't always come naturally! However, since being a mum, I have really appreciated the power of 'getting out'. Inside the house the children are more restless, the housework more pressing and everything can often feel too much. Today I have a poorly husband to throw into the mix which adds another dimension, trying not to feel frustrated at the lack of help. 

Getting out on the Heath for a short while helps me to spend some time talking with God and gets my priorities straight. J needs my sympathy and my love, not my irritability or passive aggression! Next time it might be me who is the invalid but even if not, I don't want to have a marriage where we count up who does the most. I want to be the couple who are selfless and try to out-do each other in acts of kindness. Hooray for wet dog walks and the clarity which comes from 'getting out'.

Culture shock

I've been feeling a bit blue since getting back from India. I think it's a mixture of culture shock and Chloe and I having a sick bug since we returned. One thing I really enjoyed about India was the fact that everyone is so open and welcoming. For example, mum and dad's neighbour invited Chloe to her child's birthday party even though they didn't know her! Or when mum and dad's maid invited us to her metal shack in the slum to have crisps and bottles of Coke.

The slum was much as I imagined; there was lots of rubbish, flies everywhere, illegal wires buzzing over our heads and children playing in the dirt. Even so, I did find myself a little jealous of the culture of sharing life together in the slum. It seemed like everyone looked out for each other and everyone knew each other. They all helped to look after the children and cooked together. People came round to see us when they knew that we were visiting and just let themselves in to the shack. It was very much a 'sharing' community.

I can't help but feel a little bit sad when I think about my first day back when we arrived in England. J had to work and I was at home all day with a child who was being sick and had diarrhoea, I was really quite poorly myself and poor Livia was bouncing off the walls with boredom. It was a really hard day and I felt very lonely (sorry getting a bit honest here). I do realise I could've sent out an SOS message but it's really hard when everyone is so busy and it's difficult to know who to ask. I feel like if we lived in a culture for the neighbours bustled in and out, took the children off you for awhile, made meals - that we would have a greater sense of community. (I should add here that I did have help with Livia from my mother in law the following day).

By the way I am not having a go at other people for not caring; they didn't know! And I am very guilty of getting on with 'my life' in isolation. I'm not invasive enough in my friendships and I give up on friendships far too easily. I need to learn to persevere when things are hard and be there for people at their time of need. Sometimes it's hard to know how to do that when it's so counter-cultural. I love the verses in Acts 2 about the disciples having 'all things in common'. I would love that to be more true in my life and in the church in general.

Please help me Jesus to be more of a good friend and sister to the people in my life. Help me to be more generous and more outward-looking. Thank you that you are changing me bit by bit and I am sorry when I dig my heels in. Amen.

Living

At the moment I am visiting India with Chloe, staying with my parents and spending a couple of days in Jaipur. It's been an amazing trip and I am so glad Chloe has had this opportunity.

I wanted to write a post because I met a baby boy today and he really moved me and I feel I can't just forget about him. We were walking in a shopping street in Jaipur, past all the sellers trying to persuade us into their shops. It was very busy with not much room on the pavement and we had to keep dodging piles of rubbish or suspicious puddles. It wasn't the nicest area with motorbikes, cars and auto-rickshaws blaring their horns and narrowly missing us. Having a child with me, it was easy to get caught up in trying to keep her away from danger and not really thinking about the people who actually lived there.

A woman was standing off the pavement. I think she had probably been chased away from the shops by the sellers. She was gesturing to us for money and was holding a baby. It's hard to work out his age because he was obviously malnourished but probably no more than 7 months. He was half naked, I guess because she couldn't afford nappies, with a swollen tummy and was very lethargic, hanging off his morher's arm. He was the most beautiful little boy and my heart hurts thinking about what his chances are. 

I gave the mother some money, probably not the right thing to do but what else? It's horrible when you know that nothing you can do right there and then will change their situation. As we left I managed to get a smile out of the mum and touched his little cheek, he looked up at me. It's hard not to make this sound really cheesy but that look will stay with me.

I feel so silly for all the tiny, insignificant things I worry about, especially about the girls. Like what they wear and whether they get all their spellings right. I am so thankful to live a life where I don't have to worry daily about their survival. We have so much. 

Please God look after that little boy. I pray he grows up healthy and strong and manages to get to a position where life isn't so tough. Thank you for all the lessons Chloe is learning too.

Loved

I've been thinking about how parenting becomes more complicated as your children get older. When they are little your main job is to provide for their basic needs and that is mostly it. As they get into toddler years you have to start teaching them about right/wrong and training them to become more independent. In the school years you have to start teaching them about more complicated things like social skills, how the world works and most importantly how to have a relationship with God. Add to that, literacy, maths, other school work and any clubs/skills they want to pursue.

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by all the new roles I have to now fulfil (and the different ways I can feel like I'm failing; e.g. we haven't been out on the bikes in ages and Chloe is nowhere near riding without stabilisers). I know I can be a perfectionist and feel a lot of pressure to 'get parenting done right'. Although there  are more things to think about now, I have definitely struggled with this from the start (comparing newborn sleeping patterns, choosing baby-led weaning or spoon-fed, having a toddler that doesn't destroy other people's houses) and I know that I can worry too much.

Chloe is poorly at the moment and it has allowed us all to have a bit of a 'slow down'. We've had to cancel swimming lessons and play dates; school has finished for Christmas so we don't have homework, spellings and reading to worry about. When all my little girl is looking for is a cuddle on the sofa, it helps me to remember that my greatest role is make her feel loved, by her family and by God. I would rather she know that than be the most perfectly behaved, high flier that she could be.  

Being together

One of the things I love about Chloe is that she is so full of enthusiasm for spending time with us. So this evening after dinner Livia is having some chill-out time watching TV but Chloe wanted to help me clear the kitchen and is now practising maths with J. I don't think she particularly enjoys either but she adores having one-on-one time with us, especially when she is doing something which she know will please us.

I do wonder whether I will look back at this post with sadness when the girls are older and have moved on from the eager to please stage. Or whether this is part of Chloe's personality and she will always retain a bit of this. I also wonder how as parents we can cultivate this enjoyment of time together and manage to keep it going into the teen years. I know some teenagers do have very close relationships with their parents. But I still fear growing apart!

It is a challenge as a mum to remember that so much of being a 'good parent' is making time to spend with our children. Having a clean house or taking them to lots of clubs or arranging play dates is not going to compensate for that all important bonding time. 

An easy job for little helpers

Very brief post from me today to say that I have found a fun way for Livia to help with housework. When I'm unloading the dishwasher, I lift out the cutlery holder and put it on the floor for her. I then put the cutlery drawer on the floor too and her job is to sort it and put them away. It's useful and a game that keeps them absorbed for a while (well, if you have a neat freak like Livia!). We did have a bit of banging spoons on the floor so if you worry about germs it may not be the best!

Confidence

It surprises me the way even little children can suffer from low confidence. It's easy to look at those early years with rose-tinted glasses and imagine they are days of being carefree and not worrying about how others view you. Maybe some children are like that but I'm realising that, for Chloe at least, how confident she feels has a real impact on her behaviour, effort and emotions.

The last few weeks at swimming have been tricky for Chloe. She has forgotten quite a bit over the summer and the people in her class have changed too. The first week back Chloe got halfway through the class and was struggling a bit with what she was being asked to do. She told her teachers she had a sore throat and they escorted her back to me. I knew she probably wasn't ill but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Later, when it was clear she was fine, we chatted about it and she admitted she had felt a bit upset in the lesson.

The week after wasn't much better. Chloe started well but as soon as the instructors wanted them to move onto using their arms as well as their legs on her back, she found it difficult and didn't have the confidence to keep trying. She kept stopping to look for the instructor and relied on their help more than usual. I had a word with the teacher at the end and said I felt she had lost her confidence a bit.

This morning I was determined to give her a boost before Chloe began her lesson. We discussed trying and how lots of people do things they find difficult and manage to be much better than they think because they tried hard (she asked me what I had done recently, which was a challenge! I said doing assemblies at school ha!). She came out with, 'if you try try try, then you can can can!'

This week Chloe was like a different child. She pushed through when she was struggling and managed to do a whole length without putting her feet down, using arms and legs. This was something she hadn't managed even before the summer! The beaming smile on her face at the end of the lesson showed she was really happy with how she'd done (especially as her teacher said it was her best swim so far). I'm really glad she had such a positive experience of 'if you try try then you can can can!'