Thinking about the future

A poem of sorts. Thinking about the future.

Imagining my girls at the end of their childhood,

Entering the midway years between pigtails and office wear.

The images are slippery and blurry, not quite there.

Sometimes the girls are leggy and smell sweet; perfume or body lotion.

Their hair is shiny and tousled just right, still blonde and red.

Other times they are awkward and conscious, clutching sleeves;

They put on a camouflage of current trends and try to find their fit.

They dream and strive and play and fall down an awful lot;

It's much harder to pick them up these days, the grazes are much deeper.

I talk to them about being a 'woman'; conversations which bring us close.

In the best moments I hope we laugh and tell secrets; they are my friends.

In scarier moments I imagine closed doors and blank faces, 'I dunno's'.

I pray for these young women whom I do not know yet.

I love them dearly but they frighten me; so many new challenges to learn.

I am thankful that they have a Father who is prepared, knows all their ways.

He loves them now and then and always, I hope they will see themselves.

And I trust His grace for us, the parents; that we will turn out ok too.

Sick days

Sickness has well and truly struck our house! Chloe has been poorly since last Thurs and Livia has just caught it in the last day. I am spending lots of time clearing up snotty noses and sick. And cuddling upset children. I love my girls so much and I don't mind even the messiest jobs because seeing them in pain and sad is much worse. But I must admit that I find these days so difficult. I think it's the isolation and the lack of routine which really gets me. I miss preschool; the walk there, chatting to the mums at the door, waving goodbye to my excited big girl and then having special time with my baby. I miss seeing people, running errands and having some time out of the house! 

So this post is a bit of a moan sorry. I know God is there even in the most boring days and tiring circumstances. As bad as I feel, I care much more about my girls having time to recover and know they are loved even when they are throwing up all over me! Sigh.

Working mum

Work and being a mum can be a really divisive subject, can't it? In Christian circles, I think as a working parent you can be viewed as not as good as the mummies staying at home full time. I think there are good reasons behind the emphasis to stay at home. It is really important to me that I'm the main person who teaches my children their values and beliefs (along with J but obviously one of us needs to work!). I feel that if I worked full time, or even most of the time then that would be very difficult. I also want my children to know that I love spending time with them and prioritise that above work.

On the other side of the argument, it is very difficult to have one parent staying at home nowadays. And I'm not talking about maintaining the type of lifestyle we are used to, but actually having enough to meet basic needs. We have to be careful that our emphasis on staying at home doesn't make those less fortunate feel bad about themselves as parents. Many amazing parents have to work to have a family in the first place.

Having said all of that, there is another side to being a working parent too. I work as a secondary school teacher two days a week. I got the job after we bought our house, so our mortgage and budget were all based on J's salary. It was not purely financial reasons that made me go back to work; money was tight but I think we could have chosen for me to stay home if we had wanted.

I love being a teacher and I feel like I gain so much from my job. I love the creativity of planning lessons, the satisfaction of getting pupils through exams, giving my brain a workout by teaching difficult topics, working with teenagers who are complex but fun(!) and being a 'professional'. For me, giving up work altogether would feel like a real sacrifice.

I'm still not sure whether this is a good way to be. Should I want to be with my children all the time? I'm don't know! I am currently going through a bit of a tricky situation at work. We are introducing a new course in my department, which is super exciting and great for our subject. However this means my head of department and I need to up our hours. As my boss is adding to her timetable, I feel like I need to as well. The school have been great about not putting pressure on me, but I feel like to be a team player and fair to everyone I need to be flexible too.

I think for me that this is the hardest part of being a working parent. If you are a conscientious worker and do a job you really care about, you can want to commit yourself as much as you can. However this can often conflict with family time. As a teacher I have this aaaall the time. There are always inset days, school events, parents evenings etc, which are outside my hours but which there is pressure to attend. It's hard to work out which to go to and which are less important. 

In the end I suppose work is a matter of personal conscience. I know God has given me a love for my subject, a passion for teenagers and the skills to do the job.- As a mum you can sometimes give give give without any direct reward and feel like you're losing sight of who you are. Being a mum takes over everything else! Getting away for two days helps to give me back my perspective. I love coming back home and being with my girls again; in no way do I prefer being at work to being at home. I appreciate both but if I had to choose, my girls would win every time. I think it is important to acknowledge that being at home all the time can be hard; I am sure this contributes to postnatal depression. One way to make this easier is to get out of thehouse for a bit. This can be work, like me, but it could also be to do with other interests (craft, sport, blogging etc). Having interests outside of being a mummy helps you to remember who you are and that you are important, not just your children.

Ok that was quite longwinded. You can tell this is on my mind at the moment! I think we've come to a happy balance in our family and I trust God will give me wisdom in making decisions about next year. I am thankful that God has so much more wisdom than me and that he has grace for mums at home and working mums alike.

Family Friday

Today was the first time we have had 'Family Friday'. J finishes work half an hour early on a Friday and so we are able to wait for him to get home before eating together, which we are not able to do the rest of the week. I have resolved to make something special for these family dinners. Tonight was roast lamb, roast potatoes, Savoy cabbage with bacon and homemade mint sauce, yum!

The second part of Family Friday is to read a Bible story at the table from Chloe's children's Bible and then have a brief discussion about it. As tonight was the first one, we read about Creation. The questions we were asked were things like: What were the things God made? Why did God make people? Do you think we can be friends with God? It was really interesting and lovely to hear Chloe's answers to these questions. 

I've always felt a bit intimidated hearing about other families having devotional times together. We haven't really done this before, except for praying/singing before bed. So it's nice to start something simple which definitely isn't overly 'religious'; just family story time with a few questions after. I think it's appropriate that God has a big part in our family time together. I'm hoping we can keep it up!

Goodbyes

I haven't written in a while because I have been busy seeing lots of my parents before they left. I suppose I also haven't felt in the right place emotionally to write anything. I don't feel I can blog about my feelings about mum and dad leaving in detail. I don't think it's fair to them, after all they are doing an amazing thing for God and I wouldn't want to stand in their way. I completely support what they are doing in India in every way.

At the same time I want to acknowledge how it feels to say goodbye to people you love as I'm sure many people go through this at one time or another. So, briefly, I feel sad. I feel sad that we will miss out on so many good times; I have been spoilt having such hands-on parents to help out and do wonderful things with my girls. I feel sad that I won't be able to call when I need help or am feeling lonely. I feel sad about the difficult conversations I have to have with Chloe about them not being around. And I feel sad about how different the girls will be when we next see Mum and Dad.

Having said all of the above, I know I am incredibly blessed to have parents who I have such a good relationship with. I have had several conversations with people who have lost touch with parents or who have had one or more parent pass away. So I know I should count myself blessed. I also hold on to the promise that God works all things for our good.

But I still feel sad and that's ok too..

My girls at the start of 2014

From time to time I like to record what my girls are doing/what they're like at this point of time, purely so that I can look back at these posts in the future. I love hearing parents talk about their children's little personalities, so I hope you will enjoy this too.

Livia is still her smiley, content self. I feel bad that sometimes on outings I can forget she is there, happily sitting in the buggy, because she causes me no fuss. She is such a giggler and loves to smile at anyone, but especially her sister. She has the cutest wrinkle by her nose when she is especially happy.

Livia is also super determined to get into everything. She isn't very happy to sit and be cuddled. This can be difficult when she gets whiny when being held by relatives and I really want to say 'just put her down!' She loves climbing stairs, opening cupboards, finding Chloe's crayons on the easel and trying to get into the dishwasher!

Livia is also becoming very loud! I wonder if this is something she has learnt from Chloe or if it's her personality. She has learnt to say Chloe's name (or something close to it) and says it constantly. She also loves to hold a 'weapon' (eg spoon, plastic food) and bang it on something whilst shouting loudly.

Chloe is suddenly looking like a little girl rather than a toddler. She has shot up and become very 'leggy'. It's so exciting and a little daunting to see her so grown up. She is still totally into her imaginary games, although they become more complicated every day! She has a host of imaginary friends and imaginary pets. Sometimes her games are a little dark, involving monsters and floods and being taken prisoner. It's a challenge to know what is just child's play and what needs to be discouraged.

Chloe is becoming a lot more sociable and wanting to interact with other children. She actively seeks out playmates at the park or at soft play. I met up with some colleagues from work the other day and one of them brought his 3 year old son whom Chloe had never met; they instantly were running around together playing which was really sweet to watch.

Chloe is also into performing in a BIG way. She is not shy in the slightest and will sing or dance in front of anyone. At an annual family gathering this Christmas, Chloe insisted on having a turn at charades even though she didn't really understand the rules! She also enjoys dancing to worship at the front of church, which we need to tone down sometimes to prevent distracting everyone!

Those are my two princesses at the moment. I love them just as they are, as little individuals. Thank you God for blessing me with these two treasures.