Brain teaser

Life as a mum to small children can feel like some sort of brain teaser (do I have time to do this before that? How long does Livia need to sleep for so she's not grumpy? Will the washing dry if I get it out after lunch? etc!!) For example, today I was meeting a friend at Wisley this morning, then I had to take Chloe to preschool. Whilst she's at preschool I need to do a food shop and I've also promised Chloe that we will go to the park this afternoon. Oh and I also have to fit in lunch, a load of washing, Livia's nap, cooking dinner etc. 

The day didn't get off to a good start. I rushed around madly getting Chloe's Preschool things together, including finding a show and tell object beginning with 'y' which was a challenge!! I made lunch to take with us so the girls could eat before Preschool. Finally we were ready and got to the car before realising that J had gone to work with the car seats and buggy in his car not mine. Argghhhh.

We did manage to get the car seats from him and got to Wisley about 20 minutes later than planned. This then meant we didn't have much time at Wisley and were slightly late to get Chloe to preschool. But it was only 5 minutes and I'm very rarely late so the teachers didn't seem to mind! I'm now putting my feet up 15 minutes before getting Livia up from her nap and heading to the supermarket. Phew.

God sees!

This is a quick post about a moment I had when putting the girls to bed this evening. It has been a bit of a lonely week where J has been out with church stuff and also seeing some old friends for all of Saturday. He was out this evening at a leadership evening (although did help with the majority of bedtime!). As I was singing 'The Name of the Lord' to the girls as their bedtime song, I felt the Holy Spirit bringing a sense of affirmation for what I was doing. It was like a warmth from God; that he sees the moments when I am with the children by myself and that it is appreciated. Not that J doesn't appreciate it, but that God sees all the difficult moments and the small battles which I don't always report to my husband. 

Being a mum can be lonely at times, when you feel you are the only one responsible for dealing with all the little dramas of the day. But God is always there! I feel so much better about releasing my husband to serve the church and others when I think about mothering in this way.

Giving my children an extra cuddle; Sport Relief

Tonight is Sport Relief. For those who read from overseas (I am intrigued by the readers from the US and Germany whom Blogger tells me visit this blog!), Sport Relief is a yearly campaign to raise money for needy children in the UK and abroad and is accompanied by a tv show on the day.

I am so in support of these programmes. I think there is something really important about the country coming together to raise money and it is great to make people aware of what is going on around the world. However, I can never watch a whole programme because there always comes a point where a story upsets me too much and I can't relax and enjoy the comic relief in between the life stories.

This evening it was the story of a little boy about Livia's age who came to an A&E department in Africa (I think in Sierra Leone). He had pneumonia and was struggling to breathe because of the fluid on his lungs. The department tried to put him on an oxygen machine but it wasn't working. They had to share another machine with another child who was desperately poorly. The little boy didn't make it. I don't know how anyone can watch a baby struggling to breathe and not feel utterly devastated that he went through that so young and due to a preventable disease. It breaks my heart!

I know I'm not writing anything profound. I won't be the only one to feel like this (that would be horrifying!). But I felt like I had to respond after watching something like that. I want to feel urgency for change and a need to do something. Even just blogging about it (and donating of course).

If you feel inspired to give then you can give to Sport Relief via the following:

https://secure.donate.comicrelief.com

Give your children an extra cuddle and know how blessed you are to live in a place that has immunisations and life-saving medical equipment. I've just had a sneaky late-night cuddle with my girls.

Dear Jesus, I thank you that when you were on earth you spent your time with the poor and needy. I thank you that you have compassion on them. Please help us in the west to remember the poor and be generous with the huge amount we have, even when it doesn't feel like we have much. Help us not to lose perspective and get caught up in our materialistic culture. Please bless that little boy's family and protect the other children in that community.

'The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted...... to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.'

Isaiah 61:1-3

I love my husband!

I find it so easy to neglect my husband and fail to appreciate him when I am rushing around after two little people. I often feel like I can't 'look after' him because I am already the primary care-giver to my girls. When he gets back from work, I don't feel in the mood to be selfless and tell him to sit down and unwind; I pass him the crying baby or tell him off if he isn't attentive enough to Chloe.

So, here I want to record just how much I love and appreciate him (and perhaps inspire other married visitors to this blog to do the same... To their wives/husbands, obviously!).

It has been so inspiring to see J growing into his church leadership role. I haven't seen such a change in him since we've been married. I love his time for people, the way he never complains about having to go out on yet another evening and how he is really seeking more of God in his personal life. I also love hearing him speak on a Sunday and share his passion for God's word and spirit.

I am also loving his leadership of is as a family. I really appreciate that he is sensible and wise when it come to life decisions, such as moving house. He keeps me grounded when my emotions run away with me. It is a comfort to know that our family are safe with him in charge. Having said that, I appreciate how J really wants to find a house that I will love and thinks about my desires in all of this.

There is so much more to say but these are two areas which I think my husband is doing a fab job in. 

Thank you Lord for giving me the perfect man to be my husband. I am sorry that I am often selfish in our time together, thinking that I deserve a rest and he doesn't. Help me to show him how much I appreciate him and to support him in serving the church. 

What's important

I'm feeling a little flat this evening. We went to view a house today which we thought we could possibly buy. On the internet it looked so perfect: right number of bedrooms, 2 reception rooms, big garden and potential to extend (and it even had shutters!). We haven't been looking too seriously for a new house because we were expecting to be in our current house for another year. However it is beginning to get close to the stamp duty threshold and we are concerned that it will get 'stuck' at that price whilst everything else continues to increase. 

So I hadn't been too fussed about new houses but suddenly got really excited about this one. But there must have been a catch, as it was on for much less than other houses with the same number of bedrooms. When we went to see it, the house was in an awful state. It is a probate house, where the owner had died. It was very eerie walking around, as the house had been left in the exact state it was in when she died; even chocolate was left out on the side.

To cut a long story short, it is very unlikely we will be able to offer on the house, as it doesn't even have central heating and needs complete rewiring, new windows etc. We wouldn't have enough left over for all of that and wouldn't be able to live elsewhere whilst it was being done. After several days of allowing my imagination to run wild, it has made me feel quite down.

However! If I really think hard about what I have, I know I am extremely privileged. I do really love the house we are in at the moment and am happy to stay until God brings about the right place for us

I am more sad to think about the poor lady who lived in the house we saw today. She had moved a bed into the sitting room and there was a commode in the corner. She had no proper heating and the beautiful sash windows were single glazed and drafty. There was a book about arthritis in the corner. The house was full of dust and clutter (although I suppose I don't know how long it had been unlived in). The garden hadn't been touched in a long time and was completely taken over by brambles. It makes me upset to think of an elderly lady who didn't have relatives who could help her keep her house in order or advise her on updating her heating. I know I am speculating a lot here but the house left me with such a desolate feeling.

I am so thankful that I have a house that is bursting with life and love. If may be full to the brim but it is a family home. I know I have to fight hard to win the battle against envy and materialism. It can be so enraging to go to house viewings and see other people there who you know are developers and will snap it up and do the work with no problems, adding value but not making the house their own. I know that house could be amazing but I am trying hard to let it go and trust God for something else.

Please, Lord, help me to see the bigger picture. Help me to view the world through your eyes. I know you provide for our every need. I thank you for my wonderful life and the people who make it so special. I pray for those who are lonely and vulnerable. Help them to find you and know your love and protection. Help me to have eyes to see the needs around me. Amen.

Sharing feelings...literally!

I had to tell you about the cutest thing Chloe just did. She took her sock off and said 'feel my toe.' I did so and asked her what I was feeling. She said 'can you feel, it's gone all fuzzy!' Chloe thought I could feel her pins and needles with my hand! She has also done this in the past with spicy food - 'mummy feel my tongue!'

I love how children think.

This time last year

I've been looking back at blog posts from this time last year and a few months after. I've also been reflecting on how blogs can be great for sharing experiences and feelings which others may be going through as well. I find it very comforting when I read about others dealing with similar issues to me and the ways in which God has spoken to them in those situations. 

But! When someone writes a blog, they are choosing and filtering information and only revealing part of the story. It is unhelpful to read a blog without realising that there is a lot that is left unsaid. When I write this blog I have to guard myself and my family by not revealing too much - this is something I am having to learn (I am a big sharer!).

Back to last year... I want to share a bit more about what I went through when Livia was about 2 months old through to about 5 months. At the time it was something I wanted to 'guard myself' in, but I have lots of friends who are new to having babies/pregnant and I want to be honest about how difficult I found this time so they know they aren't abnormal if they go through the same.

I believe I had Post Natal Depression around this time last year when Livia was about 6 weeks old. I didn't actually go to the doctor but my Health Visitor recognised the signs and advised me on how to deal with it. I'm not sure whether the label is helpful or not. I could just say I found things a struggle at this time. But there was something else going on too; it was more than just finding things hard. I thought I would describe the way I felt so you know what to look out for if you are having a baby or know someone who may also have PND. 

I gradually felt this overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope. I felt scared and intimidated by being at home alone. I felt extreme guilt about not being able to meet my children's needs (in my opinion) and always felt I wasn't doing a good enough job. I felt that they would be much better off with someone else looking after them. At my lowest points I wanted to go to social services and tell them I wasn't good enough to look after the girls and could they take them. I wished I could be hospitalised so that I could escape (running away was never an option as I could never leave them willingly). I can also understand why women with PND frequently resort to suicide, as you feel so trapped. It's like a horrible sense of hopelessness where you can't see any way out.

I believe that PND is to do with hormones and chemical imbalances as well as feeling overwhelmed by the new responsibilities of parenthood. The way I was feeling was not rational. I was doing a perfectly good job and there was no way Social Services would have taken my children! The worst it got was allowing Livia to cry for a bit whilst I made Chloe dinner. Now I am through those feelings completely, I can see how ludicrous they were.

If you find yourself thinking thoughts that are irrational and a bit scary after having a baby then please do ask for help. I had spiritual help from a lady at church and also my health visitor sent me on a baby massage class for mums who were struggling. Chloe starting preschool early also helped me have a break. Gradually I felt more in control and able to control my thoughts.

I hope it's ok I've shared all this with you and you don't think badly of any of the things I've admitted. Mental health is such a taboo and I think PND especially with all the extreme cases in the media.  I hope this helps someone to know that they are normal in feeling this way and that they will get through it.

'Don't be afraid or discouraged, for I, The Lord your God , am with you wherever you go.' Joshua 1:9

What Livia did today! 7th March

I think I'm going to make this a feature!

Livia's latest escapade...

Fun and games

Livia has recently got to the stage where she is into everything. She has also reached the age where anything that is a 'no' suddenly becomes irresistible. I also, personally, don't believe that at 1 she is capable of enough self-control to stop herself doing these things. I have had the situation where I have placed her in her cot for a sort of time-out every time she started playing with our printer and the instant she got out she headed straight back to the printer! So cause and effect isn't really being understood yet.

I remember going through this with Chloe and finding it such a difficult age. I cannot leave Livia alone for a second because she is lethal in the things she'll go after. She will find tiny toys I thought were out of reach or she will get into cupboards I never bothered locking with Chloe. She has even started climbing and then falling down! Any stairs are a favourite.

Although this is all very tiring for mummy, it is also so rewarding to feel like I'm 'getting to know' the toddler Livia. It is exciting to see her taking her first steps; she is always so proud of herself! And she has begun to play games: she will try to place Lego bricks on top of each other and she will play peekaboo and chase Chloe round the room. I like having more interaction with this little person. Chloe is also loving having someone who can play a little more.