Innocence

Doesn't the innocence of children sometimes tug on your heart strings? I am sure this is why we feel so outraged when crimes are committed against them. As I'm writing this, the news is on in the background, describing the court case of April Jones' murder. It makes my heart ache to think about an innocent girl being taken and killed.  I love that Jesus felt the same about people acting against children.

5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me,

6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Matthew 18:5-6

When I'm cuddling Livia and she smiles up at me, I sometimes feel so sad that she is so carefree and unaware of hardship and that this wont always be the case. I remember when we first left the hospital after she was born and we took her out into the cold and rain, I felt almost guilty that we were exposing her to this outside world. At that moment I wanted to run back to the warmth and safety of the hospital!

Another example of the innocence of children happened this week with Chloe. She was watching an episode of Charlie and Lola where Lola's best friend decides to be friends with someone else. After watching it she was a little quiet and then when it came to bedtime she suddenly became distraught. At first we thought Chloe was mucking around but she then began crying real tears and sobbing, saying 'Niamh [her cousin] isn't my best friend anymore.'

The idea of someone deciding not to be friends anymore seemed to have upset Chloe. It was like she hadn't realised this could happen and now she had, she was   imagining it happening to her (nothing had happened between her and her cousin so it can't have been based on real events!).

I wish I could put a little bubble around my children and protect them from the hurt and reality of this world. I wish they could stay at this stage of having all their needs met and relying on others to fight their battles. But I know that's not how life works and I have to trust God to teach them about the world without getting too bruised along the way. If they have God on their side then they will always be protected and have someone to share their hurts even when I'm not there.

Thank you lord for your love of children. Please protect my two girls as they learn about the world.

Happy home moments

Something I'm really treasuring at the moment is when I have special times at home with my girls. When Livia was first home I would feel quite anxious being alone with the two children but I'm starting to love it. These are the times when I can teach them, be creative with them, enjoy them and be very silly with them! I'm sure these will be the moments I really miss when school years start.

Here is a snapshot of our recent afternoons in the house (we usually go out in the mornings). Most of these are from Chloe's imagination!:

- Played egg and spoon, wheelbarrow and sprint races in the living room.

- I have been a friendly giant who invited Chloe for tea.

- Chloe, Livia and I got locked in a shop and had to try and escape.

- I have been teaching Chloe about languages and taught her some Latin.

- We have been practising letters on Chloe's easel.

- We have had a birthday party complete with musical chairs and pass the parcel.

- We made a tent with blankets and camped out (Livia included!).

Loving time with my girlies xx

Putting on armour

It's funny when God seems to be hammering home a message through a recurring theme in quiet times, Bible readings and preaches. Recently it seems like God's reminding me of life being a battlefield and the need to put on my spiritual armour everyday.

Even when life is pretty cushy and there are no obvious big battles going on, the devil can still find areas of weakness where he can attack us. Things are going well for our family but I still have days where I need to protect myself and 'fight' to live in the victory that Jesus has won for me.

So, for example, if I have a day where I have the girls by myself all day and I'm not seeing many people or I have to run some errands which they won't enjoy and which are likely to be stressful, I might be tempted to think in the morning that the day will go badly. Or if Chloe is having an early tantrum or Livia has had a bad night, I can write off the day as a failure without trying to think positively. If I start my day with my head down it is likely to go that way! When I had a rough couple of weeks after Livia was first born, I often felt anxious and depressed before anything had actually happened and didn't fight to control my mind and emotions. I almost didn't have the energy to try and get myself out of negative thinking.

It is obviously a good thing to cry out to God for help during moments of feeling down and anxious. But I think there is an element of needing to arm ourselves and fight the devil rather than passively letting life throw us about or waiting for rescue. God has already won the victory, the devil already is defeated and feelings of failure shouldn't apply to us.

I have found these verses helpful:

'8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.'

1 Peter 5:6-10

This verse instructs us to 'resist' the devil and not give in. It is calling for an active response. In the same way we are told to put on our spiritual armour - it isn't permanently attached! 

So the next time I have to take Chloe and Livia somewhere they are likely to act up or I have a day of no plans, I will resist the anxious knot in my stomach and don my shield of faith. I am so thankful that I have a God who provides me with divine protection in every day battles!

In control?

I've been going to a baby massage group which was suggested to me by my health visitor as I felt I was missing quality time with Livia. During the sessions there is time given to discuss how we are feeling and the problems we've been encountering with our babies.

A theme which seems to come up frequently is the feeling of failure which many mums feel when their babies don't do what they feel they should. So, for example, trying to get a baby into a routine and it failing, or baby crying all day and mum not being able to settle them.

I've felt this need to be 'in control' often as a mum. Even with Chloe, I sometimes find my mood and relationship with her can be affected by her behaviour. I know this is such a dangerous place to be in and I certainly never want either of girls to doubt my love for them!

However recently I've been finding things becoming easier. I don't feel like I am necessarily more 'in control' of things. Livia often cries all afternoon; Chloe will sometimes need to be put into time out because of bad behaviour at mums and toddlers. But I am accepting that is how life is with young children! This is the reality and I shouldn't allow perfectionism to creep in. 

Accepting and letting go makes life so much easier!'

Baby love!

A totally soppy post but here is a list of things I love about Livia at the moment...

- The way she sleeps with her arms stretched above her head.
- When I am feeding her and I feel she's stopped so I look down and she's staring at me and smiling!
- When she is about to feed and gets excited, with wide eyes, open mouth and fast breathing.
- The way she plays on her mat by waving her arms and going crazy with her legs.
- When I'm holding her and she goes all still and curls into my chest.
- The cute little cries she makes when she is fighting sleep and then drops off.
- Her squeals she has just started making when you talk to her.
- The way she rubs her eyes when she is tired.
- Her soft little head and warm body. Her squashy legs and the little rolls round her arms.

Aggghh she's so cuuute! Wish I could stop time for a little while!

Daily prayer

As a mum it is difficult to find time for prayer and even when you do, it can be hard to think of what to say when your mind is so full of all your daily chores and responsibilities. I decided that I would write down a prayer that I can say daily, especially on days when finding quality time to chat with God isn't happening. I keep it on my phone so that I can access it easily (eg when feeding Livia). I thought maybe other mums may find doing the same helpful, so here it is:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the ways in which you bless me. Most of all, I thank you for your amazing sacrifice on the cross which took away all my sin and gave me a relationship with you. There is nothing that is as important to me than you. I love you Jesus.
Lord I thank you for this family you have given me. I thank you for my loving and supportive husband. I pray you'll help me to be there for J today and make me a godly wife.
I thank you for the two girls you have entrusted me with. Help me to mother them in your strength and not my own. Please help me to put on your spiritual armour for when things are difficult. Help me to be guided by your wisdom when I don't know how to react in a certain situation.
Please give me your JOY! Help me to smile a lot, let things go and see the positive in everything. Help me to show my girls that I love them unconditionally. Please give me the strength to teach them through discipline but also let me show them grace, as you have shown me grace upon grace.
Thank you that you do not put us through anything we cannot cope with and you promise to be with us in everything.
Amen.

Love never fails...again!

It's been over 10 weeks since Livia was born. I can't believe how quickly time is going; but I guess every mum must say this! I feel like I've been in a little bubble of nappy changes, night feeds, Peppa Pig and toddler groups and I'm just starting to get my head around life 'on the outside'! I'd forgotten how all-consuming having a newborn can be, especially when you are breastfeeding and need to be on hand at all times.

So how are we getting on with two pre-school children? On the surface things are going very well. We manage to get out every day and usually on time. Livia is feeding very well and putting on the right amount of weight. She is a great sleeper and has started going 8pm - 4am and then 7am wake up for the day. So we're getting plenty of sleep which always helps. Chloe is still going to all her usual clubs and groups; she is even starting pre-school next week (more on that later).

However I have found this whole transition to two children very emotional. It can be so hard juggling both their needs and I have had to battle against niggling feelings of guilt. For example when Livia is having a fussy time in the evening but I have to put her down to make Chloe dinner. Or when Chloe has been asking all morning to play a game and I haven't had time because Livia has been feeding/needing nappy changes etc. I don't yet feel 'in control' which I am discovering more and more is very important to me (maybe wrongly so!). But my health visitor has been very helpful when I've felt I've needed some support and my family too have been offering a helping hand. I have started a baby massage course with Livia which is giving me quality time with her and the preschool sessions will also help with this.

I have found it quite hard to connect with God at this time because my brain is so full of baby/toddler 'stuff'. I am really enjoying a Bible in a Year app by Holy Trinity Brompton which is great for providing short Bible passages with commentary which I can read on the go; there's something amazing about reading God's word whilst standing in a cold playground! I have a few Bible verses which I keep coming back to and one is 'love never fails' in Corinthians, as part of the 'love is patient...etc' passage. I have written about this passage before and how great I think it is for applying to parenting. When I feel like I can't give my girls all that they need or that I am failing in any way, I try to remember this passage and know that as long as I'm loving them then I cannot fail.