Marbles

Chloe has been testing us the last few weeks. She has started doing things which a couple of months ago, she just wouldn't do. I don't want to list all her misbehaviour but it's general disobedience and her attitude. I think because Chloe is an emotional and quite dramatic little bean, she can escalate situations in her mind and remain 'in a mood' about something, which then puts the day a bit out of kilter. It's quite hard to draw her out of a circle of attention-seeking bad behaviour, punishment and then a worse mood.

(As an aside, I wonder whether other parents find their children's behaviour deteriorates towards the end of the summer holidays? I feel a lot of it is boredom-related or that we're all losing our patience just a little!)

The sanctions we were using (mainly time outs or confiscations) were just not having any effect. We'd get into a crazy spiral of Chloe having various things confiscated and we couldn't keep track of it! Or she'd be brooding in her room, not really calming down. I guess these are good occasional punishments but don't do much to promote good behaviour. Things had to change.

Our latest plan (and it's early days so it may fail completely!) is to have a jar with marbles in - 10 at the start of the week. Chloe can gain marbles for good behaviour; especially following commands straight away! She will lose marbles if we have to keep repeating ourselves and she is deliberately ignoring us. Or any serious offence (picking on Livia is going to be a big one!). If she gets to Friday with 10 or more marbles then she can stay up late and play a game with us. Chloe seems keen on the idea today so I am hoping it will be something she will get on board with. 

I will keep you posted on how it works out!

Note to an expectant mum

I'm sorry I have just realised that this post was never published because I wrote it in Cornwall where the reception is very dodgy and it kept failing! So this was written mid-August.

[On another note, I know I am posting a lot less than I was. I think that's how it's going to be for a while. Thanks again for reading.]

I was at a baby-shower last week where we were writing little notes of wisdom to the new mum. I always find it really tricky to think of something in that situation, put on the spot and half-listening to the conversations around you. I wrote something which I think will be helpful but it's not really the message I would really want to communicate to a new mum.

We are currently on holiday in Cornwall. It's been a lovely trip so far, nothing exotic or fast-paced, just days on the beach and days wandering around Cornish towns. Perfect. Lots of time for thinking too. 

I've been lying in bed and pondering the message I wished I had written at the baby-shower. I think the top message I would want to give a new mum would be: your main job in raising your child is to love them as God loves you. It is not to teach them manners, or to get them to eat all their dinner. It is not to breast-feed them or buy them trendy clothes. It is not to teach them phonics or how to behave themselves in church. How releasing! How simple! All the rest will follow.

It reminds me of the verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matt 6.33

Life is about loving God and then sharing that love with those around us. I so wish I could remember that in all those moments when I start comparing myself or judging my own efforts. I would love an expectant mum to have that in mind as she began parenthood.

Raising girls

I'm feeling quite stirred today about the task God has given me raising girls. Not that it is a more difficult/noble/important task than raising boys. But at this moment in time I have been given two little girls to look after and bring safely to womanhood. I have also got a job working in an all-girls school so I am ultra aware of the pressures and issues that young ladies are facing.

I love these precious little creatures who can be so fragile and so feisty all at once, with emotions bubbling near the surface at all times. My girls are kind and care about others but are also easily hurt or offended too. They are performers and are creative. They like dresses and plaits. They like climbing trees and playing with creepy crawlies. 

Through teaching I'm aware of girls with anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, chronic fatigue and depression. Girls who are bullied via social media and approached by boys for sexual images. There's so much I want to protect my daughters from. Raising them to have good self-esteem, to be confident and deal with difficult situations and temptations is something I feel challenged to start praying for now and regularly. 

Happy times

Does anyone else find happy times really bitter-sweet? Sometimes when things feel so perfect I sit there and can't help but feel a tinge of sadness that the moment won't last. I wish that time would pause for a while and things just stay put. I'm feeling very content and full, enjoying lots of family time and making special memories with my girls. 

Finding God in the sick-bed moments

I was really looking forward to church this morning. I've been feeling a bit spiritually dry, with being away last week and not finding enough time to spend with God. I haven't seen many church people for a while and needed that fellowship and time of worshipping together. In preparation last night I had a longer quiet time to try and prepare my heart for the service (does anyone else find they have to do this? I sometimes find it difficult to quieten my mind when I go straight into church). 

But it wasn't to be. Chloe has gone down with a fever and sore throat over night and J was helping to lead the service so I am on sick-bed duties. It's hard not to feel disappointed with the way the day has turned out. However I completely believe that I am just as capable of being blessed and meeting with God at home as I am at church. I'm hoping that Chloe will be happy for me to leave her side soon so I can do some chores and maybe listen to a sermon at the same time. But if not I know he is watching over us as we curl up on the sofa together.

Week away

Last week I was on a trip with my school to Italy, visiting Rome and Sorrento. It was a real privilege getting to visit some lovely place and not having to pay for it. The girls we took all behaved very well and the trip mostly went smoothly (except for a few minor things, like a girl not wanting to get on the plane, missing Capri because a girl was poorly and a coach breaking down!). The weather was scorching; arguably too hot for walking around Roman sites all day. There were a few afternoons on the beach in Sorrento but most of the time we were up and about morning, afternoon and evening. It was exhausting too and that sense of I'm responsible for 17 children whose parents aren't here eeek! never really went away.

Before I left I felt very wobbly about leaving the girls for so long. J was off most of the week so I knew they'd be absolutely fine. But I think I often need them as much as they need me. My home and routine with them and my husband is my little safety net and being in a different country with people who aren't close friends or family was quite daunting. I was more at risk of homesickness than the teenage girls!

I am really glad I went. There were a few tearful moments in my hotel room watching watsapp videos from the girls, but mostly I was ok! It is comforting to know that the world doesn't fall apart when I'm not there and the girls are confident enough to have some time apart. And it is even nicer to have the reunion at the end with the increased sense of 'my family means the world to me'! Sometimes this can be lost a little in the sameness of everyday life. I'm very happy to have the whole of the rest of the summer all together.

Understanding

I wonder whether other parents have moments like I do, when I suddenly understand my children more than ever before; like I'm getting a glimpse inside their head. Today I had that sort of experience watching Chloe in her ballet lesson. Usually parents do not stay in for the lesson but the last lesson of the year is an opportunity for the children to show off to their mums and dads.

I was very proud watching my beautiful, little girl twirl around with pointy toes and curved arms. It was especially important for me to see how much confidence she now had, as we had so many issues with ballet at the beginning of the year (I'm sure I blogged about it). But more interesting than that was seeing how Chloe behaved in a situation where she was being coached by someone else and seeing how all the different girls reacted in that group situation.

I'm learning more and more that Chloe is very eager to please. She focused really hard on everything the teacher said. So when they were told 'no crinkly tummies, sit up straight!', Chloe kept trying to look down to check her tummy (which defeated the object a little!). She also concentrated very hard on counting in some of the dances and sometimes forgot herself and said the numbers out loud! It really touched my heart to see her trying so hard to please her teachers:

It has also given me an insight into her anxiety about new things. If Chloe is trying so hard to please and accomplish a task perfectly then she is going to struggle at new skills. I think this is where creating an environment at home where it is ok to 'fail' is so important. This is definitely a new goal I am setting myself. Whilst it's not wrong for Chloe to try her best, I never want her to feel stressed about being 'perfect' at something. I need her to know I will always be proud of her, no matter what.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9