Loved

I've been thinking about how parenting becomes more complicated as your children get older. When they are little your main job is to provide for their basic needs and that is mostly it. As they get into toddler years you have to start teaching them about right/wrong and training them to become more independent. In the school years you have to start teaching them about more complicated things like social skills, how the world works and most importantly how to have a relationship with God. Add to that, literacy, maths, other school work and any clubs/skills they want to pursue.

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by all the new roles I have to now fulfil (and the different ways I can feel like I'm failing; e.g. we haven't been out on the bikes in ages and Chloe is nowhere near riding without stabilisers). I know I can be a perfectionist and feel a lot of pressure to 'get parenting done right'. Although there  are more things to think about now, I have definitely struggled with this from the start (comparing newborn sleeping patterns, choosing baby-led weaning or spoon-fed, having a toddler that doesn't destroy other people's houses) and I know that I can worry too much.

Chloe is poorly at the moment and it has allowed us all to have a bit of a 'slow down'. We've had to cancel swimming lessons and play dates; school has finished for Christmas so we don't have homework, spellings and reading to worry about. When all my little girl is looking for is a cuddle on the sofa, it helps me to remember that my greatest role is make her feel loved, by her family and by God. I would rather she know that than be the most perfectly behaved, high flier that she could be.  

Being together

One of the things I love about Chloe is that she is so full of enthusiasm for spending time with us. So this evening after dinner Livia is having some chill-out time watching TV but Chloe wanted to help me clear the kitchen and is now practising maths with J. I don't think she particularly enjoys either but she adores having one-on-one time with us, especially when she is doing something which she know will please us.

I do wonder whether I will look back at this post with sadness when the girls are older and have moved on from the eager to please stage. Or whether this is part of Chloe's personality and she will always retain a bit of this. I also wonder how as parents we can cultivate this enjoyment of time together and manage to keep it going into the teen years. I know some teenagers do have very close relationships with their parents. But I still fear growing apart!

It is a challenge as a mum to remember that so much of being a 'good parent' is making time to spend with our children. Having a clean house or taking them to lots of clubs or arranging play dates is not going to compensate for that all important bonding time. 

An easy job for little helpers

Very brief post from me today to say that I have found a fun way for Livia to help with housework. When I'm unloading the dishwasher, I lift out the cutlery holder and put it on the floor for her. I then put the cutlery drawer on the floor too and her job is to sort it and put them away. It's useful and a game that keeps them absorbed for a while (well, if you have a neat freak like Livia!). We did have a bit of banging spoons on the floor so if you worry about germs it may not be the best!

Confidence

It surprises me the way even little children can suffer from low confidence. It's easy to look at those early years with rose-tinted glasses and imagine they are days of being carefree and not worrying about how others view you. Maybe some children are like that but I'm realising that, for Chloe at least, how confident she feels has a real impact on her behaviour, effort and emotions.

The last few weeks at swimming have been tricky for Chloe. She has forgotten quite a bit over the summer and the people in her class have changed too. The first week back Chloe got halfway through the class and was struggling a bit with what she was being asked to do. She told her teachers she had a sore throat and they escorted her back to me. I knew she probably wasn't ill but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Later, when it was clear she was fine, we chatted about it and she admitted she had felt a bit upset in the lesson.

The week after wasn't much better. Chloe started well but as soon as the instructors wanted them to move onto using their arms as well as their legs on her back, she found it difficult and didn't have the confidence to keep trying. She kept stopping to look for the instructor and relied on their help more than usual. I had a word with the teacher at the end and said I felt she had lost her confidence a bit.

This morning I was determined to give her a boost before Chloe began her lesson. We discussed trying and how lots of people do things they find difficult and manage to be much better than they think because they tried hard (she asked me what I had done recently, which was a challenge! I said doing assemblies at school ha!). She came out with, 'if you try try try, then you can can can!'

This week Chloe was like a different child. She pushed through when she was struggling and managed to do a whole length without putting her feet down, using arms and legs. This was something she hadn't managed even before the summer! The beaming smile on her face at the end of the lesson showed she was really happy with how she'd done (especially as her teacher said it was her best swim so far). I'm really glad she had such a positive experience of 'if you try try then you can can can!'

Marbles

Chloe has been testing us the last few weeks. She has started doing things which a couple of months ago, she just wouldn't do. I don't want to list all her misbehaviour but it's general disobedience and her attitude. I think because Chloe is an emotional and quite dramatic little bean, she can escalate situations in her mind and remain 'in a mood' about something, which then puts the day a bit out of kilter. It's quite hard to draw her out of a circle of attention-seeking bad behaviour, punishment and then a worse mood.

(As an aside, I wonder whether other parents find their children's behaviour deteriorates towards the end of the summer holidays? I feel a lot of it is boredom-related or that we're all losing our patience just a little!)

The sanctions we were using (mainly time outs or confiscations) were just not having any effect. We'd get into a crazy spiral of Chloe having various things confiscated and we couldn't keep track of it! Or she'd be brooding in her room, not really calming down. I guess these are good occasional punishments but don't do much to promote good behaviour. Things had to change.

Our latest plan (and it's early days so it may fail completely!) is to have a jar with marbles in - 10 at the start of the week. Chloe can gain marbles for good behaviour; especially following commands straight away! She will lose marbles if we have to keep repeating ourselves and she is deliberately ignoring us. Or any serious offence (picking on Livia is going to be a big one!). If she gets to Friday with 10 or more marbles then she can stay up late and play a game with us. Chloe seems keen on the idea today so I am hoping it will be something she will get on board with. 

I will keep you posted on how it works out!

Note to an expectant mum

I'm sorry I have just realised that this post was never published because I wrote it in Cornwall where the reception is very dodgy and it kept failing! So this was written mid-August.

[On another note, I know I am posting a lot less than I was. I think that's how it's going to be for a while. Thanks again for reading.]

I was at a baby-shower last week where we were writing little notes of wisdom to the new mum. I always find it really tricky to think of something in that situation, put on the spot and half-listening to the conversations around you. I wrote something which I think will be helpful but it's not really the message I would really want to communicate to a new mum.

We are currently on holiday in Cornwall. It's been a lovely trip so far, nothing exotic or fast-paced, just days on the beach and days wandering around Cornish towns. Perfect. Lots of time for thinking too. 

I've been lying in bed and pondering the message I wished I had written at the baby-shower. I think the top message I would want to give a new mum would be: your main job in raising your child is to love them as God loves you. It is not to teach them manners, or to get them to eat all their dinner. It is not to breast-feed them or buy them trendy clothes. It is not to teach them phonics or how to behave themselves in church. How releasing! How simple! All the rest will follow.

It reminds me of the verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matt 6.33

Life is about loving God and then sharing that love with those around us. I so wish I could remember that in all those moments when I start comparing myself or judging my own efforts. I would love an expectant mum to have that in mind as she began parenthood.

Raising girls

I'm feeling quite stirred today about the task God has given me raising girls. Not that it is a more difficult/noble/important task than raising boys. But at this moment in time I have been given two little girls to look after and bring safely to womanhood. I have also got a job working in an all-girls school so I am ultra aware of the pressures and issues that young ladies are facing.

I love these precious little creatures who can be so fragile and so feisty all at once, with emotions bubbling near the surface at all times. My girls are kind and care about others but are also easily hurt or offended too. They are performers and are creative. They like dresses and plaits. They like climbing trees and playing with creepy crawlies. 

Through teaching I'm aware of girls with anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, chronic fatigue and depression. Girls who are bullied via social media and approached by boys for sexual images. There's so much I want to protect my daughters from. Raising them to have good self-esteem, to be confident and deal with difficult situations and temptations is something I feel challenged to start praying for now and regularly.