One of the biggest challenges for me in being a mum, is the balance between child-centered parenting and self-centered parenting. I will explain more what I mean in a minute but these are the extremes of two styles of parenting which are the polar opposites of each other and need to be avoided! I think every parent must be guilty of being child-centered or self-centered at some points.
This is what the extremes of these two types of parenting look like:
Child-centered...
I think secular society is really leaning towards this way of thinking at the moment.. New approaches such as attachment parenting, on-demand-feeding and baby-led weaning are all leaning towards letting children make decisions (not that any of these are bad in themselves, they can just lead you down a slippery slope). Being in education means that I have learnt all about pupil-centered classrooms and the importance of tailoring education to the needs of pupils. There is a general feeling that children should come first. There is a lot of truth in these approaches but it can lead to difficulties.
A family that is too child-centered would look like this: parents turning down invitations to lots of events due to them not fitting with nap times, or worrying that the children may misbehave. Families where the day starts as soon as the children are awake (even if it's the crack of dawn!). Allowing children to have their way and giving into demands easily, such as sleeping in your bed or being overly picky with food. Children who interupt conversations and their parents immediately turn to listen to them. Child-centeredness leads to a child run household where parents are there to serve their children! I know that I have been guilty of this. Sometimes the needs of our children, especially babies, seem so overwhelming that we believe that they will be most blessed by our rushing to fulfil their every need as soon as they require us.
Self-centered...
This is the opposite of child-centered, where we believe that a child should fit in with our lives and that nothing should change in our priorities and routines. Again there is some good in this - children should understand that they are part of a family, that they do not rule the roost and that their parents are not there to entertain and please them 24 hours a day. However children do change your lives and they require you to make changes whether you like it or not.
A family that is too self-centered might look like this: parents keeping their children up late so they can see them after work even though they have to be up early for nursery. Dragging a toddler to coffee shops, to houses where they can't roam and explore and then scolding them for misbehaving because they are bored. Having no routine and not trying to have a quiet time for naps so their children can rest. Having unrealistic expectations of your child at their developmental age e.g. - expecting a toddler to sit quietly through church or not to touch something that has been left in their reach.
I think a happy medium needs to be reached that teaches the child that their needs are recognised and valued but that they aren't the centre of their parents' world and that they can't demand whatever they want whenever they want it. None of the things I have listed above are too terrible if they only happen occasionally; it's more if it creates a culture of child-centeredness or self-centeredness in families. I have definitely expected too much of Chloe and been selfish in our activities sometimes. But I have also sometimes turned down invitations because I've thought it might be too much for Chloe when she probably would have adapted. As a parent you have to watch your own decisions and be open to the honest judgement of people around you.
I hope by out-lining these two dangers, I might have helped other parents avoid these pitfalls! PJ Smyth from Godfirst Church has written more on child-centered parenting if you are interested.
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