Baby number two!

Our big news which we have announced in the last week is that we are expecting our second child - eeeek! I really wanted to blog about it earlier, as it has affected my day-to-day life so much already but it wouldn't have been fair on J to leak the secret before our 12 week scan. I'm feeling ok at the moment but get horribly tired in the evenings - I can barely force myself up the stairs at gone 10pm! I don't remember the tiredness being this bad with Chloe but then maybe it's because I didn't have a toddler demanding all my time and attention then.

Emotions-wise, it definitely feels different being pregnant this time round. When we got the positive test we were just as excited (if not more because it had taken a little longer to conceive). As soon as the news had settled in, life just continued as normal! I didn't feel much different to start with and J and I are both so busy with our jobs and looking after Chloe that we didn't have much time to sit around and daydream about the new baby. I also feel like I know what I'm in for with the pregnancy and I'm not looking forward to it! I didn't cope well with the pregnancy last time and have to admit I don't really enjoy it. I feel convicted that this is an amazing gift from God and something which many couples long for, so I should feel very blessed and really enjoy it; it can be so difficult when you just feel sick and tired and heavy!

Having said all of that, when I do get a chance to stop and think about the new baby I do feel a rush of love which maybe wasn't as strong when I was pregnant with Chloe. I know now how important and individual and precious the baby will be, because of my feelings about Chloe. This makes me very excited and I can't wait to see how they are similar/different to their big sister. I am also really looking forward to introducing the new baby to Chloe and watching their relationship develop. Although I'm sure there will be jealousy issues, Chloe is so sociable and always trying to find children to play with so I really think she will grow to value having a little brother or sister. I love watching siblings interact and I can't wait to see our family growing together. I can't really believe it yet!!!

Making memories

We've just got back from a holiday to Brittany in France, where we stayed on a campsite by the beach. It was such a special time of discovering new things with Chloe: tents, wash blocks, the sea, the beach, sand castles and eating in restaurants! We went with another couple from church who we are very close to and their nearly-one year old. It was great going with another family, as it enabled us to babysit for each other and share some of the responsibilities of cooking and washing up which is a downside of self-catering! We also had lots of fun times together, especially in the evening when the children were in bed.

I feel like J and I learned a lot from the holiday, as this was our first proper holiday with Chloe and going away with children is such a different experience! I think living alongside another family has also really impressed on me the fact that every family is different in so many ways. This has challenged me about things which I hadn't realised about myself as a parent and has helped me to realise the things which I really want my children to learn. We are all so different in the ways we parent and no one way is better - we have to find what suits us as parents and our children individually and, most importantly, which we believe is godly.

In thinking about this on holiday I realised that quite a lot of the things that are important to me come from my own parents and how we did things on holiday. A key example of this was that we always used to travel and stay at campsites, such as Keycamp or Eurocamp (where your tent is already set up and you have some mod-cons like a hob, a fridge and proper beds). I used to moan about this as a teenager, wishing we could stay in a hotel. But I now have so many good memories of those holidays that we have chosen to do the same as my parents - obviously saving a lot of money in the process!

With saving money I think this is a good lesson for children to learn, as well as helping us afford to go on holidays abroad. I want our children to grow up knowing they don't need to stay in 5* accomodation and eat out every night in order to have a good time. I would suggest that often cooking together and eating outside in front of your tent is an excellent way to bond as a family. I think children also find camping really exciting - Chloe certainly did. However I do realise that I am speaking about something I value and enjoy and this won't necessarily be for all families! If camping isn't your thing then it won't make for a happy holiday!

One thing I was challenged on is that I can be impatient and hurried, especially in getting up and out in the mornings. It is hard to have a relaxed morning with a toddler who is easily bored, however I know I need to learn to take things slow and see what happens, rather than have a plan which cannot be deviated from! I apologise to the family we were with, as I know I probably rushed them a lot, when they were just trying to relax and enjoy their holiday! I know I need to work on slowing my pace and not panicking about keeping Chloe occupied every minute of the day.

We had such a great time away and I am thankful to God that he is constantly teaching J and I how to parent in every situation, I am so excited to make more new memories with my family, especially holidays where we all grow closer and which my children will remember and value when they are grown-up. I am sure that God's plan for the family is to have adventures together and to discover more about the world he has given us.

Grace for shopping trips!

We've had a bit of a stressful morning going into town to do some shopping for our holiday. I'm not sure why but Chloe has woken up today with an extremely short fuse and was definitely not in the mood to look round shops! We try to make shopping fun for her by letting her walk some of the way, stopping at the soft play provided by the shopping centre and stopping for lunch/coffe and a cake.

Today Chloe was having none of it! The worst part was stopping for lunch at Debenhams cafe, where we got Chloe a kids lunchbox which consisted of a ham sandwich, crisps, fruit, juice and a 'treat'. Yesterday she ate almost exactly the same lunch when I was out with my antenatal friends but today she refused to have any sandwich or fruit and only wanted the crisps, which we were limiting until she ate some more 'healthy' food. This trick usually works but Chloe suddenly lost it and was throwing food on the floor, screaming, hitting etc! I'd never seen her like this before, especially about food so I was completely caught off guard. I think J was just as horrified as I was, as the people round us turned to watch her temper tantrum. We hurriedly distracted her with the juice and ate our lunches as fast as possible!

The rest of the outing carried on in a similar fashion, with Chloe sticking out her lip about everything and occasionally screaming in protest in the middle of shops. I suspect there is some underlying cause for her behaviour today, as this was very extreme for her! Maybe her molars are coming through?!

The thing that surprised me today was that I didn't get as annoyed or stressed as I usually do when she plays up. Instead I felt a real surge of love and grace towards my angry little girl. It upsets me to think that she can get so frustrated and angry at the world at her age and pushes away our attempts at showing love towards her. When I put her to bed Chloe wouldn't hug me and instead had a tantrum about having a nap at all. I didn't take offence but told her I loved her no matter how she behaves. God is softening my heart so that I don't get worked up and let my disappointment with Chloe's behaviour affect how I love her. It's completely his work and I am so thankful for it! As J and I were discussing in the car, children aren't given to us as perfect little packages but they're given to us without knowing how to behave or what is acceptable. I now pray God will help me to teach Chloe how to handle these fustrated emotions in a better way!

Fitting in family time

I haven't posted for a while because I agreed to do GCSE marking for the second year and it has been very time-consuming. My mum has been looking after Chloe whilst I mark on the days I am not at my proper job teaching! So I am getting a taste of what full-time work is like and I am finding it very stressful. I have new found respect for those of you who do work full-time! It is exhausting working hard all day and then switching back into Mummy mode -  picking up your child, collecting all their things, getting them home and starting the bedtime routine almost immediately. I am also quite sad about the lack of quality time I am having with Chloe and having to be told by my Mum or Mother-in-law what she has been up to today, how she's behaved/slept/eaten etc. I miss being the main person in her life! I know I am extremely blessed that I only have to do this for a season (until next Weds in fact!) and not forever.

The important thing for me is trying to fit in special family time when I have a few minutes with Chloe, especially when J is here too. A game Chloe has become used to playing before bed is going upstairs with Daddy to run the bath and whilst it's running they both hide under the duvet and stay very quiet. I then come upstairs and go through the process of 'Where are Daddy and Chloe? Are they in the bathroom?...No. Are they in Chloe's bedroom?...No. Are they under the duvet?...YES!' She is happy to play this again and again and I am trying to make myself slow down and enjoy these moments instead of thinking 'I'm exhausted, I just need you to go to bed quickly'.

I will post more soon - only 200 more essays to go!

He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still water.

There's a gale raging outside my window this morning. I've opened the window to let the steam from the shower out (we don't have a window in the bathroom) and it is so loud I'm going to have to close it again soon. I've always had this strange fear of strong winds. I think it's connected to when my family used to go camping when we were little or to Bible camps and I used to get scared the tent would blow down. So I'm not enjoying the wind this morning!

I feel like life's a bit stormy at the moment (sorry about the cheesy analogy!) - nothing awful going on but just lots of 'stuff' that is bogging me down and planting little seeds of worry. You know when things feel a bit on top of you? I often feel guilty when I complain to God about all the things that are stressing me, which are so insignificant compared to what others are going through. But I am so thankful that my God is big enough to deal with huge problems and compassionate enough to care about my little niggles.

I am reading through a Bible study guide which is looking at the theme of water. I've never really used a study guide like this before, so it's opened up a new way of reading God's word which I'm enjoying. I feel quite drawn to looking at my life using water as a picture to help me understand. For example, Jesus calmed the storms at Galilee showing his mastery over all creation - so when I see a gale like the one outside, it is testament to how powerful God is, as he could calm it in an instant.

The passage last night was the very familiar Psalm 23. I memorised this as a child (as I'm sure lots of people did) and sometimes I find that unhelpful because the meaning can get lost in the familiarity of the verses. But the study guide talked through each verse and I was really struck with this part:

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters

The study guide suggested meditating on those verses, imagining Jesus leading you to a beautiful green meadow where you lie down in safety, next a gentle stream. I know this sort of meditation isn't for everyone but it really reminded me of when I was a child and I used to do this a lot when I was in worship. I used to always imagine myself in the countryside spending time with Jesus - this is something I had forgotten until reading the guide! Last night as I was stressing about various things, what I really needed was to lie down in safety and spend time letting Jesus shoulder my burdens and give me peace. I don't do this enough and it such a calming, rewarding exercise; to 'be still and know that I am God' (Psalm 46:10). Thank you Jesus for being my good shepherd.

Great days and not-so-great days

Recently Chloe has been teaching me that children are little people who have emotions just like adults and this can mean that some days are great and other days are not-so-great, or they can be pretty awful! I find it interesting that my usually sweet, polite, smiley, little girl can wake up the next morning and behave in completely the opposite way! She demonstrated this at the weekend; when she first visited my grandparents on Friday (during their weekend stay at my parents) she was not in a good mood. This bad mood lasted until Sunday afternoon. I'd never seen anything like it! Chloe was having a tantrum about every little thing I wanted her to do - clean her teeth, put clothes on, go downstairs, get in the car, sit in the buggy etc. Also every little thing she wanted to do which she couldn't e.g. - go outside without shoes on or before she had sun cream put on. And she'd get herself so worked up, to the point of crying hysterically over something very trivial! I'm guessing this is the start of the 'terrible two's' - if you start them early do they finish early?!

However today Chloe woke up and she didn't immediately scream the place down but chatted happily to herself and gave me a big smile when I came in with her milk. She was really patient sitting in her buggy when we went into town with Mum and Dad and my grandparents and played happily with her Peppa Pig magazine whilst we had a coffee. When I put her down for her nap she gave me the biggest cuddle and started stroking my back, saying 'love you Mummy'. It was such a special moment! A big change from having to put her down for her nap early yesterday because she threw her lunch all over the floor!

I think as parents we have to allow our children to have bad days and not panic when they seem out of control or extremely selfish some of the time. Chloe may have had a tooth coming through or a headache or the heat may have got to her which caused her bad mood. Or maybe children are affected by their changing bodies or even hormones, I don't know? They have to learn so much and so quickly that sometimes their emotions can just errupt! I wonder if there is a difference between boys and girls in this?

I am really encouraged when people tell me their children have had 'bad days' and have thrown tantrums and been stroppy and difficult. I like to know I'm not alone and that Chloe's behaviour is completely normal (the book Toddler Taming is incredibly good at showing you that toddlers' behaviour can be very testing but completely normal!). Sometimes it seems that mums are very aware of creating a 'negative' impression of their children so they only tell you the good but never the bad, which sets an unrealistic standard for the rest of us. Parenting is hard work and I think it is really healthy to share the bad with the good.

I need to remember that: tomorrow is another day with (hopefully) another mood!

Sunny days!

I just had to blog and say - what a blessing sunny days are!! We have had such an amazing few days being out in the garden or at the park or visiting Wisley Gardens. My grandparents have been visiting this weekend and they came to ours on Saturday evening. We sat outside all evening with glasses of wine and Chloe running round entertaining us. It feels so healthy for Chloe to enjoy playing with rocks, leaves, pine cones etc and getting a bit of colour (although not much as she has my husband's ultra pale skin!).
 It's also very helpful having Chloe running around with few clothes on and eating in the garden - saves on lots of washing and housework! Below is a photo of Chloe playing with my parents' dog in the garden.