In control?

I've been going to a baby massage group which was suggested to me by my health visitor as I felt I was missing quality time with Livia. During the sessions there is time given to discuss how we are feeling and the problems we've been encountering with our babies.

A theme which seems to come up frequently is the feeling of failure which many mums feel when their babies don't do what they feel they should. So, for example, trying to get a baby into a routine and it failing, or baby crying all day and mum not being able to settle them.

I've felt this need to be 'in control' often as a mum. Even with Chloe, I sometimes find my mood and relationship with her can be affected by her behaviour. I know this is such a dangerous place to be in and I certainly never want either of girls to doubt my love for them!

However recently I've been finding things becoming easier. I don't feel like I am necessarily more 'in control' of things. Livia often cries all afternoon; Chloe will sometimes need to be put into time out because of bad behaviour at mums and toddlers. But I am accepting that is how life is with young children! This is the reality and I shouldn't allow perfectionism to creep in. 

Accepting and letting go makes life so much easier!'

Baby love!

A totally soppy post but here is a list of things I love about Livia at the moment...

- The way she sleeps with her arms stretched above her head.
- When I am feeding her and I feel she's stopped so I look down and she's staring at me and smiling!
- When she is about to feed and gets excited, with wide eyes, open mouth and fast breathing.
- The way she plays on her mat by waving her arms and going crazy with her legs.
- When I'm holding her and she goes all still and curls into my chest.
- The cute little cries she makes when she is fighting sleep and then drops off.
- Her squeals she has just started making when you talk to her.
- The way she rubs her eyes when she is tired.
- Her soft little head and warm body. Her squashy legs and the little rolls round her arms.

Aggghh she's so cuuute! Wish I could stop time for a little while!

Daily prayer

As a mum it is difficult to find time for prayer and even when you do, it can be hard to think of what to say when your mind is so full of all your daily chores and responsibilities. I decided that I would write down a prayer that I can say daily, especially on days when finding quality time to chat with God isn't happening. I keep it on my phone so that I can access it easily (eg when feeding Livia). I thought maybe other mums may find doing the same helpful, so here it is:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the ways in which you bless me. Most of all, I thank you for your amazing sacrifice on the cross which took away all my sin and gave me a relationship with you. There is nothing that is as important to me than you. I love you Jesus.
Lord I thank you for this family you have given me. I thank you for my loving and supportive husband. I pray you'll help me to be there for J today and make me a godly wife.
I thank you for the two girls you have entrusted me with. Help me to mother them in your strength and not my own. Please help me to put on your spiritual armour for when things are difficult. Help me to be guided by your wisdom when I don't know how to react in a certain situation.
Please give me your JOY! Help me to smile a lot, let things go and see the positive in everything. Help me to show my girls that I love them unconditionally. Please give me the strength to teach them through discipline but also let me show them grace, as you have shown me grace upon grace.
Thank you that you do not put us through anything we cannot cope with and you promise to be with us in everything.
Amen.

Love never fails...again!

It's been over 10 weeks since Livia was born. I can't believe how quickly time is going; but I guess every mum must say this! I feel like I've been in a little bubble of nappy changes, night feeds, Peppa Pig and toddler groups and I'm just starting to get my head around life 'on the outside'! I'd forgotten how all-consuming having a newborn can be, especially when you are breastfeeding and need to be on hand at all times.

So how are we getting on with two pre-school children? On the surface things are going very well. We manage to get out every day and usually on time. Livia is feeding very well and putting on the right amount of weight. She is a great sleeper and has started going 8pm - 4am and then 7am wake up for the day. So we're getting plenty of sleep which always helps. Chloe is still going to all her usual clubs and groups; she is even starting pre-school next week (more on that later).

However I have found this whole transition to two children very emotional. It can be so hard juggling both their needs and I have had to battle against niggling feelings of guilt. For example when Livia is having a fussy time in the evening but I have to put her down to make Chloe dinner. Or when Chloe has been asking all morning to play a game and I haven't had time because Livia has been feeding/needing nappy changes etc. I don't yet feel 'in control' which I am discovering more and more is very important to me (maybe wrongly so!). But my health visitor has been very helpful when I've felt I've needed some support and my family too have been offering a helping hand. I have started a baby massage course with Livia which is giving me quality time with her and the preschool sessions will also help with this.

I have found it quite hard to connect with God at this time because my brain is so full of baby/toddler 'stuff'. I am really enjoying a Bible in a Year app by Holy Trinity Brompton which is great for providing short Bible passages with commentary which I can read on the go; there's something amazing about reading God's word whilst standing in a cold playground! I have a few Bible verses which I keep coming back to and one is 'love never fails' in Corinthians, as part of the 'love is patient...etc' passage. I have written about this passage before and how great I think it is for applying to parenting. When I feel like I can't give my girls all that they need or that I am failing in any way, I try to remember this passage and know that as long as I'm loving them then I cannot fail.

Avoidance tactics

A quick post but I had to share my latest discovery - letting things go! Chloe has had a difficult few days. I'm not sure if it's the shock of a new baby starting to sink in or because we've been inside lots due to bad weather. She has been showing all the behaviours of a stereotypical stroppy toddler; ie - doing all she can to wind up mummy!

Today I realised that my usual coming down hard on bad behaviour wasn't getting us anywhere as Chloe was looking for a battle! This was clear by the fact she was announcing to me all the naughty things she was doing ha! So this afternoon I am trying to fight my controlling nature and acting completely bored and unimpressed by Chloe's antics. And it's actually working!

Making the most of it.

'As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.'
Psalm 103:15-16

Having Livia has made me really appreciate how fleeting the early years of childhood are. Already she is out of newborn clothes and is holding her head up much better. She has put on lots of weight and is staying awake longer and longer during the day.

I love to see her develop but it feels like Chloe changed so fast that I will definitely be more patient this time. I am loving my cuddly little baby and don't want to lose that yet! Especially as she may be our last (not decided completely yet).

This new appreciation for the stage we're in now has also given me more patience with Chloe. Yesterday I was listening yo her recite from her favourite set of Charlie and Lola books which she insists on reading at least once a day. Normally I feel sick to death of those stories but yesterday I felt really tearful! I realised it won't be long until she doesn't like Charlie and Lola anymore and she won't want to 'read' out loud to me all the time.

I'm thankful for this realisation as life has been very hard the last few weeks and it can be easy to wish for the girls to be less dependent on me. But today at least I am in no rush for them to grow up!

'But one thing is necessary'

The verse in the title is from Luke 10 and the story of Mary and Martha. Martha is rushing around trying to be a good hostess for Jesus who is visiting their home and Mary is just sitting listening to Jesus. When Martha demands that Jesus make Mary help her, Jesus tells her that she shouldn't worry about so many things but that only one thing is necessary, ie - Mary has found that one thing in listening and spending time with Jesus.

This story was preached by a visiting speaker at our church yesterday. It came at such a good time for me; definitely God at work there! I have been having a tough time the last week. Without going into too much detail, I have been struggling to keep perspective when struggling with the pressures of 2 children and feeling like I can't cope. It's been very emotional and it took me a while to admit I needed support but I feel more positive now after talking to a few people.

This verse has reminded me that a lot of the things I worry about don't matter. It doesn't matter if I have to abandon dinner and it's not ready when J gets home. It doesn't matter if the laundry basket is constantly full. It doesn't matter if the thank you cards are a bit late in being written. It doesn't matter if Chloe acts up a bit before bed. It doesn't matter if I constantly feed Livia to get her to stop crying.

My health visitor came round when I was having a particularly hard day and was SO helpful. She reminded me that my children are people - they cannot be controlled, will never be perfect and I shouldn't measure how 'successful' I am as a mother on how the day has gone. This tied in with the preach yesterday; the only thing that matters is God's grace. We cannot win salvation through works. I will not be a good mother by my own efforts but God working through me.

Please God help me to remember you and walk with you throughout the day, especially when I am losing perspective. Thank you that you go before me and are protecting my whole family. Help me to have grace for myself, my husband and my children.