A safe place

It's taken quite a while to adjust to being back home with Livia. Everything feels so different now we have two! In an article I was reading about new babies it described each addition to a family as being a 'birth' of a new family; all is changed for every person in that family. Our experience with Livia in hospital has also had an effect which I want expecting.

When Chloe was born, my experience of the postnatal ward in hospital wasn't very good. I don't blame the midwives, they just seemed very understaffed and very busy. Chloe had issues feeding but I received very little advice and no-one got round to helping me express milk for her, so I resorted to formula (she later mastered breastfeeding at home). Add to that, a sleepless night on a noisy ward and very little idea of what I was supposed to do with my new baby and it wasn't a happy experience!

For Livia's birth I chose to go with a different hospital but still was fully expecting to want to hurry home as soon as I could after the birth. When things didn't go to plan and Livia was in special care, I still really wanted to go home and take her with me. Being on the postnatal ward without a baby was even worse! Thankfully the midwives were so helpful and taught me to hand express the evening Livia was born so she could have my milk in SCBU. They also took pity on me the third night and gave me a private room which you would normally pay for.

But the part of my stay in hospital which really surprised me was when I was on the Transitional Care Unit. I think I've talked briefly about this in another post but this ward is like a halfway house between SCBU and the normal ward. Mums are reunited with their babies but are watched closely and there are more restrictions on what you can and can't do. Feeds and nappy changes were all recorded and midwives were constantly on hand to help if there were any issues.

I was on TCU for 2 nights and 3 days and I have to admit that I really enjoyed my time there. I loved finally being with Livia and it was so reassuring to have lots of people around to help and advise with regards to feeding and settling her. There were only 3 women allowed in the bay so it was quiet and we got to know each other a bit. There was a sense of unity because we all had babies who had issues and we would compare notes on how they were progressing.

I think this really positive hospital experience made coming home quite difficult. I had enjoyed the help and the special time to focus on Livia. As soon as we were home there was suddenly so much more to think about. There was housework, presents and cards to sort through, people to visit and most importantly a demanding toddler!

I found my feelings towards Chloe quite confusing and upsetting. I was desperately pleased to be reunited with her but felt incredibly protective of Livia, especially as Chloe acted up a bit at first to regain our attention. I think because she sensed we were a bit tense and that everything was a bit different and being extra loud and boisterous was her way of coping.

I was seriously tearful the first few days back - missing hospital, feeling guilty I wasn't more pleased to be home and very anxious about not being able to cope. But thank you God for keeping me strong and giving me a wonderfully supportive husband! Things now feel fully back to normal. I feel like my relationship with Chloe is back where it was and I feel in control around Livia and not at all nervous. We have been out just the three of us this week and it has all gone very smoothly.

I wanted to be really honest about the feelings above because I believe that 'baby blues' can be such a difficult time and it takes a while to adjust to such a huge life change. But relying on the help of others and the grace and wisdom of God WILL get you through. Sending lots of love to anyone who is pregnant or soon to have a newborn x

Enough love

'...that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.'
Ephesians 3:17-19

It's taken me longer than I wanted to get round to jotting down some thoughts on how God helped me through my time in hospital with Livia and those early days. That's partly because life has been a bit mad since getting home and also there is so much I could put that it's hard to start!

Firstly I feel I should say that there was never a time when I worried for Livia's future or really about the infection she had. I think God reminded me of his faithfulness and I trusted in his supreme authority to get us all through safely. As well as this she never really seemed that poorly, even with all the tubes sticking out of her! It felt like most the tests were just precautionary and not because nothing major was wrong.

The hardest part of our stay in hospital was being apart from both my girls. I have only ever been away from Chloe for less than 2 days and one night, so suddenly being apart from her for nearly 6 days was really difficult! I would sometimes talk to her on the phone and she would get tearful and ask when I was coming home which made me so guilty, especially as there was nothing very wrong with me. I felt bad that our families were having to give up so much time to look after her too - I'm very bad at 'imposing' ourselves on other people.

Whilst I was on the postnatal ward I was mainly just sitting around, reading or watching tv. I went to see Livia in SCBU often but it's a really weird environment with lots of other parents standing around cots and the wires make it difficult to interact with your baby so I didn't stay for long periods of time. I was also having to express for Livia but could only ever manage to produce a few ml so they had to top her up with formula through a tube to her stomach.

This made me feel really useless as I felt I couldn't do anything for my daughter. I got upset a lot when J wasn't around as it felt like our family was all split up at a time when we should be together. Thankfully I have lovely friends who sent me verses and encouraging messages to lift my mood.

Here are some of the verses that helped me:

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8 (applicable for all my family even when I wasn't with them, God was).

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121:1-8

The verse at the start of this post from Ephesians helped me to see that even when I couldn't provide love and security for my children by meeting their needs and physically being there, God had more than enough love for them. He also had more than enough love for me when I was feeling so useless.

The final reassurance God gave me when I was feeling low was in reminding me about a picture I had shared in church the day before I went into labour. It was of Jesus going off with his disciples in the boat, the storm descending on them and Jesus calming the storm. God spoke to me about how Jesus doesn't stop them from setting out in the boat even though he would have known about the storm. He goes with them into it and it's in the storm that he gets a chance to show his power and authority. So, God was prepared to all that was happening in hospital and I just had to trust him and let him show me his goodness and power in that place. This was very reassuring when we didn't know what would happen next.

There is so much more I could put, especially about the emotional upheaval of eventually coming home but I think I'll have to save it as it's naptime and I want to try and get a sleep before the girls wake up! I'm very thankful for how God has used this experience with Livia to show me that I can trust him in every circumstance and when I can't be there with my children, he is watching over them.

Another little girl!

This blog post is going to be all about the arrival of our second little girl who was born on 4th February at 12.30pm. For the purposes of this blog, her name is Livia (not her actual name - see About Me section for why). I'm going to keep it quite factual, partly so I have a record of everything that happened. And then hopefully in another post I can explain all that God has taught me over the last 10 days - which is a lot! I apologise if it is quite long but so much happened that it's hard to condense.

My waters went at 3am on the 4th after I had been up to settle Chloe who had kicked her covers off in her sleep. I woke J up and we started to run around the house packing last minute things and generally being in shock that it was all starting to happen 5 days early! My contractions started soon after and quickly became quite painful. I let my parents know they might be needed to watch Chloe - Dad wasn't amused as he had only just gone to bed after watching the Superbowl! At 5am I rang the labour ward to tell them what was going on. They told me to leave it a while and then call back, as I was managing ok and the contractions weren't really long enough or strong enough to warrant being checked.

At 6am the contractions had become quite a bit more painful so we called my parents and my mum came over to look after Chloe. We loaded the car and drove to the hospital; unfortunately the route included a lot of nasty speed bumps so we had to go very slowly as I was starting to really feel uncomfortable with each contraction. At the labour ward a lovely midwife came to talk to me and observe me having contractions. Unfortunately she wouldn't examine me to see how many cm dilated I was because my waters had gone and they didn't want to risk infection. Whilst I was there my contractions slowed down and were less intense so we were sent home, despite telling the midwives that my labour with Chloe progressed very rapidly.

On the drive home the contractions picked back up again and I only got to lie down for about an hour before J decided that I was in enough pain to go back to the hospital again. So off we went for the second time! This time when I arrived the contractions were so awful J had to drop me by the door to the hospital. I remember standing there waiting for him to park (it was really busy by this time) and people kept coming up to me to ask if I was ok, as I was clearly in a lot of pain! Finally we got the labour ward and things started moving very quickly!

This time I had a student midwife and her mentor looking after me, which wasn't a problem except that everything seemed to take a long time and a lot of discussion! I was soon asking for pain relief and was given gas and air. This took the edge off the contractions for a little while but I did begin to ask for an epidural too, knowing that it can take a while to get it all organised. Unfortunately my nightmare scenario happened and the anesthetist was unavailable in surgery so I was going to have to wait! Livia had other ideas and the contractions started coming very strongly and frequently.

Although my waters had gone earlier I still must have had some left (don't really understand this?!) and they went very dramatically at this point, hitting the student midwife! I'm sure I would have been embarrassed if I had been with it but I was well away with the gas and air. Very soon after this I had the urge to push and it was nothing like the count to 10 you see on the TV. I had no idea what I was doing  - my body was doing it for me and was doing it very quickly! Livia was born less than 2 hours after we had arrived back at hospital.

I don't want to go into too much detail about what happened after this because it's not very nice reading but I had a few complications with blood loss and my uterus not contracting. Lots of people were suddenly rushed in and I think it gave J quite a scare. Sorting me out took almost as long as the labour in hospital and was quite a traumatic experience, which I have arranged to discuss with my midwife when I next see her because I'm still unclear on the details (I hung on to the gas and air throughout it so it's all very hazy!).

After this we had a short reprieve where I tried feeding Livia and she was weighed and checked over. Initially she was doing well but then started making some 'grunting' noises; sort of like she was trying to fill her nappy. I didn't think to much of it but the healthcare assistant who was with us said that she would need to get someone to check her out. She ended up being sent to SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) and we were told that she needed some help with her breathing.

We ended up staying in hospital for nearly 6 days, as Livia showed signs of infection in her blood (the breathing sorted itself out very quickly). She had to have numerous tests and treatments, including a lumbar puncture and intravenous antibiotics. Thankfully she wasn't in special care for very long; after 3 nights there (2 nights for me on postnatal ward and one night in s private room) we were both moved to a transitional care ward so we could be together but still receive special attention. We found out at the end of our stay that Livia most probably had caught group B strep which causes pneumonia (which she had developed) and possibly meningitis (which she hadn't).

We came home on my due date - 9/02/13 - and we're now very happily getting used to life as a family of four!