Enough love

'...that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.'
Ephesians 3:17-19

It's taken me longer than I wanted to get round to jotting down some thoughts on how God helped me through my time in hospital with Livia and those early days. That's partly because life has been a bit mad since getting home and also there is so much I could put that it's hard to start!

Firstly I feel I should say that there was never a time when I worried for Livia's future or really about the infection she had. I think God reminded me of his faithfulness and I trusted in his supreme authority to get us all through safely. As well as this she never really seemed that poorly, even with all the tubes sticking out of her! It felt like most the tests were just precautionary and not because nothing major was wrong.

The hardest part of our stay in hospital was being apart from both my girls. I have only ever been away from Chloe for less than 2 days and one night, so suddenly being apart from her for nearly 6 days was really difficult! I would sometimes talk to her on the phone and she would get tearful and ask when I was coming home which made me so guilty, especially as there was nothing very wrong with me. I felt bad that our families were having to give up so much time to look after her too - I'm very bad at 'imposing' ourselves on other people.

Whilst I was on the postnatal ward I was mainly just sitting around, reading or watching tv. I went to see Livia in SCBU often but it's a really weird environment with lots of other parents standing around cots and the wires make it difficult to interact with your baby so I didn't stay for long periods of time. I was also having to express for Livia but could only ever manage to produce a few ml so they had to top her up with formula through a tube to her stomach.

This made me feel really useless as I felt I couldn't do anything for my daughter. I got upset a lot when J wasn't around as it felt like our family was all split up at a time when we should be together. Thankfully I have lovely friends who sent me verses and encouraging messages to lift my mood.

Here are some of the verses that helped me:

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8 (applicable for all my family even when I wasn't with them, God was).

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121:1-8

The verse at the start of this post from Ephesians helped me to see that even when I couldn't provide love and security for my children by meeting their needs and physically being there, God had more than enough love for them. He also had more than enough love for me when I was feeling so useless.

The final reassurance God gave me when I was feeling low was in reminding me about a picture I had shared in church the day before I went into labour. It was of Jesus going off with his disciples in the boat, the storm descending on them and Jesus calming the storm. God spoke to me about how Jesus doesn't stop them from setting out in the boat even though he would have known about the storm. He goes with them into it and it's in the storm that he gets a chance to show his power and authority. So, God was prepared to all that was happening in hospital and I just had to trust him and let him show me his goodness and power in that place. This was very reassuring when we didn't know what would happen next.

There is so much more I could put, especially about the emotional upheaval of eventually coming home but I think I'll have to save it as it's naptime and I want to try and get a sleep before the girls wake up! I'm very thankful for how God has used this experience with Livia to show me that I can trust him in every circumstance and when I can't be there with my children, he is watching over them.

Another little girl!

This blog post is going to be all about the arrival of our second little girl who was born on 4th February at 12.30pm. For the purposes of this blog, her name is Livia (not her actual name - see About Me section for why). I'm going to keep it quite factual, partly so I have a record of everything that happened. And then hopefully in another post I can explain all that God has taught me over the last 10 days - which is a lot! I apologise if it is quite long but so much happened that it's hard to condense.

My waters went at 3am on the 4th after I had been up to settle Chloe who had kicked her covers off in her sleep. I woke J up and we started to run around the house packing last minute things and generally being in shock that it was all starting to happen 5 days early! My contractions started soon after and quickly became quite painful. I let my parents know they might be needed to watch Chloe - Dad wasn't amused as he had only just gone to bed after watching the Superbowl! At 5am I rang the labour ward to tell them what was going on. They told me to leave it a while and then call back, as I was managing ok and the contractions weren't really long enough or strong enough to warrant being checked.

At 6am the contractions had become quite a bit more painful so we called my parents and my mum came over to look after Chloe. We loaded the car and drove to the hospital; unfortunately the route included a lot of nasty speed bumps so we had to go very slowly as I was starting to really feel uncomfortable with each contraction. At the labour ward a lovely midwife came to talk to me and observe me having contractions. Unfortunately she wouldn't examine me to see how many cm dilated I was because my waters had gone and they didn't want to risk infection. Whilst I was there my contractions slowed down and were less intense so we were sent home, despite telling the midwives that my labour with Chloe progressed very rapidly.

On the drive home the contractions picked back up again and I only got to lie down for about an hour before J decided that I was in enough pain to go back to the hospital again. So off we went for the second time! This time when I arrived the contractions were so awful J had to drop me by the door to the hospital. I remember standing there waiting for him to park (it was really busy by this time) and people kept coming up to me to ask if I was ok, as I was clearly in a lot of pain! Finally we got the labour ward and things started moving very quickly!

This time I had a student midwife and her mentor looking after me, which wasn't a problem except that everything seemed to take a long time and a lot of discussion! I was soon asking for pain relief and was given gas and air. This took the edge off the contractions for a little while but I did begin to ask for an epidural too, knowing that it can take a while to get it all organised. Unfortunately my nightmare scenario happened and the anesthetist was unavailable in surgery so I was going to have to wait! Livia had other ideas and the contractions started coming very strongly and frequently.

Although my waters had gone earlier I still must have had some left (don't really understand this?!) and they went very dramatically at this point, hitting the student midwife! I'm sure I would have been embarrassed if I had been with it but I was well away with the gas and air. Very soon after this I had the urge to push and it was nothing like the count to 10 you see on the TV. I had no idea what I was doing  - my body was doing it for me and was doing it very quickly! Livia was born less than 2 hours after we had arrived back at hospital.

I don't want to go into too much detail about what happened after this because it's not very nice reading but I had a few complications with blood loss and my uterus not contracting. Lots of people were suddenly rushed in and I think it gave J quite a scare. Sorting me out took almost as long as the labour in hospital and was quite a traumatic experience, which I have arranged to discuss with my midwife when I next see her because I'm still unclear on the details (I hung on to the gas and air throughout it so it's all very hazy!).

After this we had a short reprieve where I tried feeding Livia and she was weighed and checked over. Initially she was doing well but then started making some 'grunting' noises; sort of like she was trying to fill her nappy. I didn't think to much of it but the healthcare assistant who was with us said that she would need to get someone to check her out. She ended up being sent to SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) and we were told that she needed some help with her breathing.

We ended up staying in hospital for nearly 6 days, as Livia showed signs of infection in her blood (the breathing sorted itself out very quickly). She had to have numerous tests and treatments, including a lumbar puncture and intravenous antibiotics. Thankfully she wasn't in special care for very long; after 3 nights there (2 nights for me on postnatal ward and one night in s private room) we were both moved to a transitional care ward so we could be together but still receive special attention. We found out at the end of our stay that Livia most probably had caught group B strep which causes pneumonia (which she had developed) and possibly meningitis (which she hadn't).

We came home on my due date - 9/02/13 - and we're now very happily getting used to life as a family of four!

My little Tiger

This is a completely self-indulgent post so I apologise in advance. Before the baby arrives I wanted to write down all my thoughts about my beautiful girl Chloe from our time with just the two of us. I know I will still get precious moments with her after we become a family of 4 but I'm getting more and more aware that these last few days are really special and I will never have this is quite the same way again. So, here is a collection of aspects of Chloe's personality which I have learnt over her two and a half years...

The title of this post is inspired by Chloe's favourite soft toy tiger. When she was born she was given all sorts of soft toys - my favourite was a really soft, little rabbit with flowery patterned ears. For a while I took this rabbit around with us, encouraging Chloe to choose it as her special toy. But it didn't work and she has now made Tiger her no 1 teddy.

I don't think this choice has a huge significance but it does say something of Chloe's personality. She has never been the baby who is content sitting back watching the world go by or the toddler that shyly hides at the back of the group. She's the girl who runs and climbs and explores. She loves people and having conversations, even with complete strangers. She runs behind people she doesn't know in town and says 'I'm coming to get you!' She wants to be a part of everything, usually the centre of attention.

This 'tiger' personality also means she has a fierce temper and when she doesn't get what she wants, she will let you know she's not happy about it! She can be stubborn and determined, although this is often used in good ways too. I'm happy to say that although she can be 'difficult' at times, Chloe does respond well to correction and generally only warnings are needed and sometimes an opportunity to 'cool off'! She has presented issues with eating and sleeping at different times but has responded well to routines and enforced rules, showing that she is obedient and eager to please.

I don't want to go to too far with the tiger analogy as there is also a really soft side to Chloe. She is very caring and will always be the first to notice my mood - 'are you all right mummy?' She can always make me cry more if she has caught me having a tearful moment because she tries to wipe my tears away and says things like 'mummy's not grown-up today' (!) Chloe is very affectionate - weirdly calling me 'her prince' and stroking my hair. She will always be happy to see me when we've been apart and will tell everyone around that 'my mummy's back!' She also tells daddy she misses him on the phone and will run to the door for a cuddle when he gets in.

Chloe has an amazing imagination and has picked up a huge vocabulary already. She was slightly behind in physical development but has taken to talking very easily ha! She entertains herself with imaginary friends, visits to the shops/dentist/optician etc, she does pretend painting and has tea parties - all of these largely without props. Chloe loves to 'read' her books, especially the ones she knows off by heart (Charlie and Lola being the favourites). If she doesn't know a book or she is looking at one of our books with no pictures, she will make up her own story.

There is so much more I could put but i know it is impossible to sum up a personality in a post like this. I love my daughter very much and accept her just as she is, realising that God has made her unique and perfect, although not without sin like the rest of us. I thank God SO much for how faithful he has been at helping me to shape Chloe so far and I know it will be the same with the new baby. I am very excited about learning all about my new son or daughter and all the aspects of their personality too.

Fruit trees

This morning I managed to do what I had made plans to do way back in a previous post and went for a morning's quiet time whilst J had Chloe. It felt like such a good time to do it as I am reaching my due date soon and I'm sure it will become even harder to have quality time with God once the new baby is here.

Adding to that I have also had a couple of promising false start to labour recently which have served to show me that I don't quite feel 'ready' for the baby to arrive and I have been relieved rather than frustrated when the contractions have fizzled out! (Don't tell J - he's desperate for it all to start!).

I don't want to go into too much detail about the morning as it was a really special, intimate time with God but I do want to share the main thing he spoke to me about as I think it may be helpful for other parents.

I was walking in an orchard of fruit trees (I actually was, not a picture !) and God made me look at these trees which had been cut back and were bare and not very attractive. I had been listing all the worries I had about going from one to two children and how I didn't know how to cope with all the issues I imagined I would face. God reminded me of the following verses in Jeremiah 17:

7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.
8 He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

The tree doesn't need to know about pruning or how to produce more fruit. All it has to do is to send its roots deep into the stream. It just has to receive the nourishment and flourish!

God then led me to John 15:1-17 which is the passage where Jesus says he is the vine and his Father is the vine-dresser. He says:
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. v5

As a mother all I have to do is abide in Jesus and find my strength and resources in him. In the same way that I am clueless about gardening, I am also clueless about bringing up 2 children! But that is ok because God will give me wisdom where I feel foolish and strength where I feel weak. (And energy when I feel like collapsing in a heap!)

I feel so refreshed and prepared now. Not because of any confidence in myself but because my Maker has given me this baby which is about to make an appearance and he will not lead me into any situation which I cannot handle.
Thank you so much Lord for being the stream that sustains me and the vine which I can abide in.

Seasons

'For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.'
Ecc 3:1

I've been thinking quite a bit about time recently and how God gives us different 'seasons' in our lives. This is hardly a major revelation; I think most Christians are familiar with the verses above in Ecclesiastes. Even the title of this blog is a reminder that time moves on and God's mercies remain the same throughout the seasons!

I feel like pregnancy can feel like a lot like standing in a queue, waiting for the next person in front of you to pop their baby out. You can get obsessed with counting the weeks and watching for any sign that the baby may make an early appearance (please God don't let me be overdue!). I am trying to be really thankful for this season of preparation for a new addition to our family and the last few weeks I get to spend with just Chloe. God can make this season just as effective and fulfilling as any other! It just doesn't feel like it when I can't put on my shoes hehe...

I also feel this verse applies to Chloe. She has begun to get very clingy, even not wanting to go to crèche during church. I was always so proud that she was inch an independent, confident child who never cried when we left her. I had to catch myself when I felt disappointed and concerned dropping her off at my mother-in-law's this morning before work because she was in full breakdown mode with me leaving. She is allowed seasons of clinginess and needing her parents more than at other times. She is only 2 after all! I need to practice the type of love that God has in loving us through all our seasons - good ones and bad.

The last way in which this passage has been speaking to me is in preparing for my role in church and generally to change once again. Since Chloe has been born I have gradually taken on more responsibility at church, started socialising more with friends and obviously gone back to work. Now I'm going to have to adjust to stepping back once again and focusing on my beautiful new baby and equally lovely toddler. I am feeling more nervous about this 2nd time round because I know more fully how demanding it is having a breastfeeding baby who requires its mother around 24-7.

Thank you God that you value motherhood and that even in the early hours of the morning, changing pooey nappies and trying to get the baby to latch on for the umpteenth time, your work is being done. This season of learning how to cope with 2 children seems so scary now but I know it's one you've planned for me since before I was born. Thank you for going ahead of me and preparing the way.

HIS sacrifice

This will be a super quick post because we are currently rushing to get ready for church. But it's so important - needed to write it down to remember later!

God has been gently reminding me this morning of HIS great sacrifice that he made for me. However tough I feel I have it (and I really don't have it tough at all!), Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me on the cross. My saviour died to give me life 'and life to the full'. Hallelujah!

I've been listening to this song by Jesus Culture. Here's a few lines:

This is Jesus in his glory
King of Heaven dying for me
It is finished, he has done it
Death is beaten, heaven beckons me.

It's all for you Jesus, not about me. Please help me remember that today.

Not just coffee and finger-painting.

Recently I've been realising what a sacrifice motherhood is. In case you were under any impression that being a stay-at-home mum is an easy job - you get to wear jogging bottoms and stay at home after all! - please let me offer an alternative opinion! Being a mum means sacrificing many of the things you want to do, your ambitions, your body and sometimes your needs (as a pregnant lady who needs to eat/go to the loo frequently, I can testify  to this!).

As you can probably tell from the tone of this post, it's been a rough few weeks in our house. Chloe has had a bad tummy bug, ear infection, conjunctivitis, cold and then chicken pox all in the space of a month! I have also been struggling with low iron which has left me really tired and run-down, although iron tablets are now helping. We have spent an awful lot of time cooped up in the house to avoid spreading Chloe's various infections. I love our house but the walls can close in very quickly when you have a bored toddler who is grumpy from feeling poorly.

I have also been finding things hard with the pregnancy. I said after having Chloe that I don't 'do' pregnancy well and I'm finding this time around similar. I tend to get lots of minor problems (as do many women) and the general feeling of being uncomfortable and large and in pain is just not something I enjoy! I feel guilty for admitting this, as I know so many women are desperate to become pregnant and it is truly and amazing experience, knowing that God is growing a little baby inside of me. But when I have raging heart-burn, hips that are so sore I can't sleep and tight, itchy skin it is very hard to have a positive outlook.

I only feel able to write this post because I feel like I'm coming through the other side of these hard couple of weeks and things are starting to look brighter. I think one of the most important things you can do as a mum is to get out of the house and see people who understand what you are going through. Being isolated and alone is one of the worst feelings, especially when you are caring for a sick child. But I have been to work for my usual 2 days this week (thank you Mum for having Chloe) which has allowed me some breathing space and time to do 'grown-up' things. And then today, thankfully, Chloe's spots had reached the stage where she is no longer contagious (crusted over and starting to heal) so I was able to meet up with some Mummy friends from church. Just getting out of the house and sharing my feelings with other human beings (other than my very loving and patient husband) has given me such a boost. It was so great to see Chloe happy again and running round. It's made me think that she was perhaps getting quite down too being inside and isolated so much.

God has given us Mums an amazing role, but like with anything which is so important, it comes with such responsibility and cost, which I don't think we always count until we're forced to stop everything else. I love my daughter and this new baby which is currently wriggling around inside of me more than I could ever imagine. But it's this love and sacrifice that makes being a Mum so tough at times! I will admit that I did feel really depressed at times over the last few weeks. This is such a loaded term which has very negative connotations for me but I know it's true. I think it's very easy as mothers to 'just keep going' and not acknowledge when we're struggling. Thankfully I have very wonderful people around me who notice when I am not myself. We shouldn't be afraid to say we aren't enjoying life at a given time or even that we are getting near breaking point. As Christians we should protect each other, share burdens and not judge.

I am very thankful for a faithful Father in heaven who leads me through hard times and never leaves my side. When the devil speaks lies over me, I know that I can fight them with God's promises which he has spoken over me.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me...
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23: 4, 6