As a mum it is difficult to find time for prayer and even when you do, it can be hard to think of what to say when your mind is so full of all your daily chores and responsibilities. I decided that I would write down a prayer that I can say daily, especially on days when finding quality time to chat with God isn't happening. I keep it on my phone so that I can access it easily (eg when feeding Livia). I thought maybe other mums may find doing the same helpful, so here it is:
Dear Lord,
Thank you for all the ways in which you bless me. Most of all, I thank you for your amazing sacrifice on the cross which took away all my sin and gave me a relationship with you. There is nothing that is as important to me than you. I love you Jesus.
Lord I thank you for this family you have given me. I thank you for my loving and supportive husband. I pray you'll help me to be there for J today and make me a godly wife.
I thank you for the two girls you have entrusted me with. Help me to mother them in your strength and not my own. Please help me to put on your spiritual armour for when things are difficult. Help me to be guided by your wisdom when I don't know how to react in a certain situation.
Please give me your JOY! Help me to smile a lot, let things go and see the positive in everything. Help me to show my girls that I love them unconditionally. Please give me the strength to teach them through discipline but also let me show them grace, as you have shown me grace upon grace.
Thank you that you do not put us through anything we cannot cope with and you promise to be with us in everything.
Amen.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Love never fails...again!
It's been over 10 weeks since Livia was born. I can't believe how quickly time is going; but I guess every mum must say this! I feel like I've been in a little bubble of nappy changes, night feeds, Peppa Pig and toddler groups and I'm just starting to get my head around life 'on the outside'! I'd forgotten how all-consuming having a newborn can be, especially when you are breastfeeding and need to be on hand at all times.
So how are we getting on with two pre-school children? On the surface things are going very well. We manage to get out every day and usually on time. Livia is feeding very well and putting on the right amount of weight. She is a great sleeper and has started going 8pm - 4am and then 7am wake up for the day. So we're getting plenty of sleep which always helps. Chloe is still going to all her usual clubs and groups; she is even starting pre-school next week (more on that later).
However I have found this whole transition to two children very emotional. It can be so hard juggling both their needs and I have had to battle against niggling feelings of guilt. For example when Livia is having a fussy time in the evening but I have to put her down to make Chloe dinner. Or when Chloe has been asking all morning to play a game and I haven't had time because Livia has been feeding/needing nappy changes etc. I don't yet feel 'in control' which I am discovering more and more is very important to me (maybe wrongly so!). But my health visitor has been very helpful when I've felt I've needed some support and my family too have been offering a helping hand. I have started a baby massage course with Livia which is giving me quality time with her and the preschool sessions will also help with this.
I have found it quite hard to connect with God at this time because my brain is so full of baby/toddler 'stuff'. I am really enjoying a Bible in a Year app by Holy Trinity Brompton which is great for providing short Bible passages with commentary which I can read on the go; there's something amazing about reading God's word whilst standing in a cold playground! I have a few Bible verses which I keep coming back to and one is 'love never fails' in Corinthians, as part of the 'love is patient...etc' passage. I have written about this passage before and how great I think it is for applying to parenting. When I feel like I can't give my girls all that they need or that I am failing in any way, I try to remember this passage and know that as long as I'm loving them then I cannot fail.
So how are we getting on with two pre-school children? On the surface things are going very well. We manage to get out every day and usually on time. Livia is feeding very well and putting on the right amount of weight. She is a great sleeper and has started going 8pm - 4am and then 7am wake up for the day. So we're getting plenty of sleep which always helps. Chloe is still going to all her usual clubs and groups; she is even starting pre-school next week (more on that later).
However I have found this whole transition to two children very emotional. It can be so hard juggling both their needs and I have had to battle against niggling feelings of guilt. For example when Livia is having a fussy time in the evening but I have to put her down to make Chloe dinner. Or when Chloe has been asking all morning to play a game and I haven't had time because Livia has been feeding/needing nappy changes etc. I don't yet feel 'in control' which I am discovering more and more is very important to me (maybe wrongly so!). But my health visitor has been very helpful when I've felt I've needed some support and my family too have been offering a helping hand. I have started a baby massage course with Livia which is giving me quality time with her and the preschool sessions will also help with this.
I have found it quite hard to connect with God at this time because my brain is so full of baby/toddler 'stuff'. I am really enjoying a Bible in a Year app by Holy Trinity Brompton which is great for providing short Bible passages with commentary which I can read on the go; there's something amazing about reading God's word whilst standing in a cold playground! I have a few Bible verses which I keep coming back to and one is 'love never fails' in Corinthians, as part of the 'love is patient...etc' passage. I have written about this passage before and how great I think it is for applying to parenting. When I feel like I can't give my girls all that they need or that I am failing in any way, I try to remember this passage and know that as long as I'm loving them then I cannot fail.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Avoidance tactics
A quick post but I had to share my latest discovery - letting things go! Chloe has had a difficult few days. I'm not sure if it's the shock of a new baby starting to sink in or because we've been inside lots due to bad weather. She has been showing all the behaviours of a stereotypical stroppy toddler; ie - doing all she can to wind up mummy!
Today I realised that my usual coming down hard on bad behaviour wasn't getting us anywhere as Chloe was looking for a battle! This was clear by the fact she was announcing to me all the naughty things she was doing ha! So this afternoon I am trying to fight my controlling nature and acting completely bored and unimpressed by Chloe's antics. And it's actually working!
Today I realised that my usual coming down hard on bad behaviour wasn't getting us anywhere as Chloe was looking for a battle! This was clear by the fact she was announcing to me all the naughty things she was doing ha! So this afternoon I am trying to fight my controlling nature and acting completely bored and unimpressed by Chloe's antics. And it's actually working!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Making the most of it.
'As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.'
Psalm 103:15-16
Having Livia has made me really appreciate how fleeting the early years of childhood are. Already she is out of newborn clothes and is holding her head up much better. She has put on lots of weight and is staying awake longer and longer during the day.
I love to see her develop but it feels like Chloe changed so fast that I will definitely be more patient this time. I am loving my cuddly little baby and don't want to lose that yet! Especially as she may be our last (not decided completely yet).
This new appreciation for the stage we're in now has also given me more patience with Chloe. Yesterday I was listening yo her recite from her favourite set of Charlie and Lola books which she insists on reading at least once a day. Normally I feel sick to death of those stories but yesterday I felt really tearful! I realised it won't be long until she doesn't like Charlie and Lola anymore and she won't want to 'read' out loud to me all the time.
I'm thankful for this realisation as life has been very hard the last few weeks and it can be easy to wish for the girls to be less dependent on me. But today at least I am in no rush for them to grow up!
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.'
Psalm 103:15-16
Having Livia has made me really appreciate how fleeting the early years of childhood are. Already she is out of newborn clothes and is holding her head up much better. She has put on lots of weight and is staying awake longer and longer during the day.
I love to see her develop but it feels like Chloe changed so fast that I will definitely be more patient this time. I am loving my cuddly little baby and don't want to lose that yet! Especially as she may be our last (not decided completely yet).
This new appreciation for the stage we're in now has also given me more patience with Chloe. Yesterday I was listening yo her recite from her favourite set of Charlie and Lola books which she insists on reading at least once a day. Normally I feel sick to death of those stories but yesterday I felt really tearful! I realised it won't be long until she doesn't like Charlie and Lola anymore and she won't want to 'read' out loud to me all the time.
I'm thankful for this realisation as life has been very hard the last few weeks and it can be easy to wish for the girls to be less dependent on me. But today at least I am in no rush for them to grow up!
Monday, March 11, 2013
'But one thing is necessary'
The verse in the title is from Luke 10 and the story of Mary and Martha. Martha is rushing around trying to be a good hostess for Jesus who is visiting their home and Mary is just sitting listening to Jesus. When Martha demands that Jesus make Mary help her, Jesus tells her that she shouldn't worry about so many things but that only one thing is necessary, ie - Mary has found that one thing in listening and spending time with Jesus.
This story was preached by a visiting speaker at our church yesterday. It came at such a good time for me; definitely God at work there! I have been having a tough time the last week. Without going into too much detail, I have been struggling to keep perspective when struggling with the pressures of 2 children and feeling like I can't cope. It's been very emotional and it took me a while to admit I needed support but I feel more positive now after talking to a few people.
This verse has reminded me that a lot of the things I worry about don't matter. It doesn't matter if I have to abandon dinner and it's not ready when J gets home. It doesn't matter if the laundry basket is constantly full. It doesn't matter if the thank you cards are a bit late in being written. It doesn't matter if Chloe acts up a bit before bed. It doesn't matter if I constantly feed Livia to get her to stop crying.
My health visitor came round when I was having a particularly hard day and was SO helpful. She reminded me that my children are people - they cannot be controlled, will never be perfect and I shouldn't measure how 'successful' I am as a mother on how the day has gone. This tied in with the preach yesterday; the only thing that matters is God's grace. We cannot win salvation through works. I will not be a good mother by my own efforts but God working through me.
Please God help me to remember you and walk with you throughout the day, especially when I am losing perspective. Thank you that you go before me and are protecting my whole family. Help me to have grace for myself, my husband and my children.
This story was preached by a visiting speaker at our church yesterday. It came at such a good time for me; definitely God at work there! I have been having a tough time the last week. Without going into too much detail, I have been struggling to keep perspective when struggling with the pressures of 2 children and feeling like I can't cope. It's been very emotional and it took me a while to admit I needed support but I feel more positive now after talking to a few people.
This verse has reminded me that a lot of the things I worry about don't matter. It doesn't matter if I have to abandon dinner and it's not ready when J gets home. It doesn't matter if the laundry basket is constantly full. It doesn't matter if the thank you cards are a bit late in being written. It doesn't matter if Chloe acts up a bit before bed. It doesn't matter if I constantly feed Livia to get her to stop crying.
My health visitor came round when I was having a particularly hard day and was SO helpful. She reminded me that my children are people - they cannot be controlled, will never be perfect and I shouldn't measure how 'successful' I am as a mother on how the day has gone. This tied in with the preach yesterday; the only thing that matters is God's grace. We cannot win salvation through works. I will not be a good mother by my own efforts but God working through me.
Please God help me to remember you and walk with you throughout the day, especially when I am losing perspective. Thank you that you go before me and are protecting my whole family. Help me to have grace for myself, my husband and my children.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
A safe place
It's taken quite a while to adjust to being back home with Livia. Everything feels so different now we have two! In an article I was reading about new babies it described each addition to a family as being a 'birth' of a new family; all is changed for every person in that family. Our experience with Livia in hospital has also had an effect which I want expecting.
When Chloe was born, my experience of the postnatal ward in hospital wasn't very good. I don't blame the midwives, they just seemed very understaffed and very busy. Chloe had issues feeding but I received very little advice and no-one got round to helping me express milk for her, so I resorted to formula (she later mastered breastfeeding at home). Add to that, a sleepless night on a noisy ward and very little idea of what I was supposed to do with my new baby and it wasn't a happy experience!
For Livia's birth I chose to go with a different hospital but still was fully expecting to want to hurry home as soon as I could after the birth. When things didn't go to plan and Livia was in special care, I still really wanted to go home and take her with me. Being on the postnatal ward without a baby was even worse! Thankfully the midwives were so helpful and taught me to hand express the evening Livia was born so she could have my milk in SCBU. They also took pity on me the third night and gave me a private room which you would normally pay for.
But the part of my stay in hospital which really surprised me was when I was on the Transitional Care Unit. I think I've talked briefly about this in another post but this ward is like a halfway house between SCBU and the normal ward. Mums are reunited with their babies but are watched closely and there are more restrictions on what you can and can't do. Feeds and nappy changes were all recorded and midwives were constantly on hand to help if there were any issues.
I was on TCU for 2 nights and 3 days and I have to admit that I really enjoyed my time there. I loved finally being with Livia and it was so reassuring to have lots of people around to help and advise with regards to feeding and settling her. There were only 3 women allowed in the bay so it was quiet and we got to know each other a bit. There was a sense of unity because we all had babies who had issues and we would compare notes on how they were progressing.
I think this really positive hospital experience made coming home quite difficult. I had enjoyed the help and the special time to focus on Livia. As soon as we were home there was suddenly so much more to think about. There was housework, presents and cards to sort through, people to visit and most importantly a demanding toddler!
I found my feelings towards Chloe quite confusing and upsetting. I was desperately pleased to be reunited with her but felt incredibly protective of Livia, especially as Chloe acted up a bit at first to regain our attention. I think because she sensed we were a bit tense and that everything was a bit different and being extra loud and boisterous was her way of coping.
I was seriously tearful the first few days back - missing hospital, feeling guilty I wasn't more pleased to be home and very anxious about not being able to cope. But thank you God for keeping me strong and giving me a wonderfully supportive husband! Things now feel fully back to normal. I feel like my relationship with Chloe is back where it was and I feel in control around Livia and not at all nervous. We have been out just the three of us this week and it has all gone very smoothly.
I wanted to be really honest about the feelings above because I believe that 'baby blues' can be such a difficult time and it takes a while to adjust to such a huge life change. But relying on the help of others and the grace and wisdom of God WILL get you through. Sending lots of love to anyone who is pregnant or soon to have a newborn x
When Chloe was born, my experience of the postnatal ward in hospital wasn't very good. I don't blame the midwives, they just seemed very understaffed and very busy. Chloe had issues feeding but I received very little advice and no-one got round to helping me express milk for her, so I resorted to formula (she later mastered breastfeeding at home). Add to that, a sleepless night on a noisy ward and very little idea of what I was supposed to do with my new baby and it wasn't a happy experience!
For Livia's birth I chose to go with a different hospital but still was fully expecting to want to hurry home as soon as I could after the birth. When things didn't go to plan and Livia was in special care, I still really wanted to go home and take her with me. Being on the postnatal ward without a baby was even worse! Thankfully the midwives were so helpful and taught me to hand express the evening Livia was born so she could have my milk in SCBU. They also took pity on me the third night and gave me a private room which you would normally pay for.
But the part of my stay in hospital which really surprised me was when I was on the Transitional Care Unit. I think I've talked briefly about this in another post but this ward is like a halfway house between SCBU and the normal ward. Mums are reunited with their babies but are watched closely and there are more restrictions on what you can and can't do. Feeds and nappy changes were all recorded and midwives were constantly on hand to help if there were any issues.
I was on TCU for 2 nights and 3 days and I have to admit that I really enjoyed my time there. I loved finally being with Livia and it was so reassuring to have lots of people around to help and advise with regards to feeding and settling her. There were only 3 women allowed in the bay so it was quiet and we got to know each other a bit. There was a sense of unity because we all had babies who had issues and we would compare notes on how they were progressing.
I think this really positive hospital experience made coming home quite difficult. I had enjoyed the help and the special time to focus on Livia. As soon as we were home there was suddenly so much more to think about. There was housework, presents and cards to sort through, people to visit and most importantly a demanding toddler!
I found my feelings towards Chloe quite confusing and upsetting. I was desperately pleased to be reunited with her but felt incredibly protective of Livia, especially as Chloe acted up a bit at first to regain our attention. I think because she sensed we were a bit tense and that everything was a bit different and being extra loud and boisterous was her way of coping.
I was seriously tearful the first few days back - missing hospital, feeling guilty I wasn't more pleased to be home and very anxious about not being able to cope. But thank you God for keeping me strong and giving me a wonderfully supportive husband! Things now feel fully back to normal. I feel like my relationship with Chloe is back where it was and I feel in control around Livia and not at all nervous. We have been out just the three of us this week and it has all gone very smoothly.
I wanted to be really honest about the feelings above because I believe that 'baby blues' can be such a difficult time and it takes a while to adjust to such a huge life change. But relying on the help of others and the grace and wisdom of God WILL get you through. Sending lots of love to anyone who is pregnant or soon to have a newborn x
Friday, February 22, 2013
Enough love
'...that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.'
Ephesians 3:17-19
It's taken me longer than I wanted to get round to jotting down some thoughts on how God helped me through my time in hospital with Livia and those early days. That's partly because life has been a bit mad since getting home and also there is so much I could put that it's hard to start!
Firstly I feel I should say that there was never a time when I worried for Livia's future or really about the infection she had. I think God reminded me of his faithfulness and I trusted in his supreme authority to get us all through safely. As well as this she never really seemed that poorly, even with all the tubes sticking out of her! It felt like most the tests were just precautionary and not because nothing major was wrong.
The hardest part of our stay in hospital was being apart from both my girls. I have only ever been away from Chloe for less than 2 days and one night, so suddenly being apart from her for nearly 6 days was really difficult! I would sometimes talk to her on the phone and she would get tearful and ask when I was coming home which made me so guilty, especially as there was nothing very wrong with me. I felt bad that our families were having to give up so much time to look after her too - I'm very bad at 'imposing' ourselves on other people.
Whilst I was on the postnatal ward I was mainly just sitting around, reading or watching tv. I went to see Livia in SCBU often but it's a really weird environment with lots of other parents standing around cots and the wires make it difficult to interact with your baby so I didn't stay for long periods of time. I was also having to express for Livia but could only ever manage to produce a few ml so they had to top her up with formula through a tube to her stomach.
This made me feel really useless as I felt I couldn't do anything for my daughter. I got upset a lot when J wasn't around as it felt like our family was all split up at a time when we should be together. Thankfully I have lovely friends who sent me verses and encouraging messages to lift my mood.
Here are some of the verses that helped me:
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8 (applicable for all my family even when I wasn't with them, God was).
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121:1-8
The verse at the start of this post from Ephesians helped me to see that even when I couldn't provide love and security for my children by meeting their needs and physically being there, God had more than enough love for them. He also had more than enough love for me when I was feeling so useless.
The final reassurance God gave me when I was feeling low was in reminding me about a picture I had shared in church the day before I went into labour. It was of Jesus going off with his disciples in the boat, the storm descending on them and Jesus calming the storm. God spoke to me about how Jesus doesn't stop them from setting out in the boat even though he would have known about the storm. He goes with them into it and it's in the storm that he gets a chance to show his power and authority. So, God was prepared to all that was happening in hospital and I just had to trust him and let him show me his goodness and power in that place. This was very reassuring when we didn't know what would happen next.
There is so much more I could put, especially about the emotional upheaval of eventually coming home but I think I'll have to save it as it's naptime and I want to try and get a sleep before the girls wake up! I'm very thankful for how God has used this experience with Livia to show me that I can trust him in every circumstance and when I can't be there with my children, he is watching over them.
Ephesians 3:17-19
It's taken me longer than I wanted to get round to jotting down some thoughts on how God helped me through my time in hospital with Livia and those early days. That's partly because life has been a bit mad since getting home and also there is so much I could put that it's hard to start!
Firstly I feel I should say that there was never a time when I worried for Livia's future or really about the infection she had. I think God reminded me of his faithfulness and I trusted in his supreme authority to get us all through safely. As well as this she never really seemed that poorly, even with all the tubes sticking out of her! It felt like most the tests were just precautionary and not because nothing major was wrong.
The hardest part of our stay in hospital was being apart from both my girls. I have only ever been away from Chloe for less than 2 days and one night, so suddenly being apart from her for nearly 6 days was really difficult! I would sometimes talk to her on the phone and she would get tearful and ask when I was coming home which made me so guilty, especially as there was nothing very wrong with me. I felt bad that our families were having to give up so much time to look after her too - I'm very bad at 'imposing' ourselves on other people.
Whilst I was on the postnatal ward I was mainly just sitting around, reading or watching tv. I went to see Livia in SCBU often but it's a really weird environment with lots of other parents standing around cots and the wires make it difficult to interact with your baby so I didn't stay for long periods of time. I was also having to express for Livia but could only ever manage to produce a few ml so they had to top her up with formula through a tube to her stomach.
This made me feel really useless as I felt I couldn't do anything for my daughter. I got upset a lot when J wasn't around as it felt like our family was all split up at a time when we should be together. Thankfully I have lovely friends who sent me verses and encouraging messages to lift my mood.
Here are some of the verses that helped me:
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8 (applicable for all my family even when I wasn't with them, God was).
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121:1-8
The verse at the start of this post from Ephesians helped me to see that even when I couldn't provide love and security for my children by meeting their needs and physically being there, God had more than enough love for them. He also had more than enough love for me when I was feeling so useless.
The final reassurance God gave me when I was feeling low was in reminding me about a picture I had shared in church the day before I went into labour. It was of Jesus going off with his disciples in the boat, the storm descending on them and Jesus calming the storm. God spoke to me about how Jesus doesn't stop them from setting out in the boat even though he would have known about the storm. He goes with them into it and it's in the storm that he gets a chance to show his power and authority. So, God was prepared to all that was happening in hospital and I just had to trust him and let him show me his goodness and power in that place. This was very reassuring when we didn't know what would happen next.
There is so much more I could put, especially about the emotional upheaval of eventually coming home but I think I'll have to save it as it's naptime and I want to try and get a sleep before the girls wake up! I'm very thankful for how God has used this experience with Livia to show me that I can trust him in every circumstance and when I can't be there with my children, he is watching over them.
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