Loved

I've been thinking about how parenting becomes more complicated as your children get older. When they are little your main job is to provide for their basic needs and that is mostly it. As they get into toddler years you have to start teaching them about right/wrong and training them to become more independent. In the school years you have to start teaching them about more complicated things like social skills, how the world works and most importantly how to have a relationship with God. Add to that, literacy, maths, other school work and any clubs/skills they want to pursue.

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by all the new roles I have to now fulfil (and the different ways I can feel like I'm failing; e.g. we haven't been out on the bikes in ages and Chloe is nowhere near riding without stabilisers). I know I can be a perfectionist and feel a lot of pressure to 'get parenting done right'. Although there  are more things to think about now, I have definitely struggled with this from the start (comparing newborn sleeping patterns, choosing baby-led weaning or spoon-fed, having a toddler that doesn't destroy other people's houses) and I know that I can worry too much.

Chloe is poorly at the moment and it has allowed us all to have a bit of a 'slow down'. We've had to cancel swimming lessons and play dates; school has finished for Christmas so we don't have homework, spellings and reading to worry about. When all my little girl is looking for is a cuddle on the sofa, it helps me to remember that my greatest role is make her feel loved, by her family and by God. I would rather she know that than be the most perfectly behaved, high flier that she could be.  

Being together

One of the things I love about Chloe is that she is so full of enthusiasm for spending time with us. So this evening after dinner Livia is having some chill-out time watching TV but Chloe wanted to help me clear the kitchen and is now practising maths with J. I don't think she particularly enjoys either but she adores having one-on-one time with us, especially when she is doing something which she know will please us.

I do wonder whether I will look back at this post with sadness when the girls are older and have moved on from the eager to please stage. Or whether this is part of Chloe's personality and she will always retain a bit of this. I also wonder how as parents we can cultivate this enjoyment of time together and manage to keep it going into the teen years. I know some teenagers do have very close relationships with their parents. But I still fear growing apart!

It is a challenge as a mum to remember that so much of being a 'good parent' is making time to spend with our children. Having a clean house or taking them to lots of clubs or arranging play dates is not going to compensate for that all important bonding time. 

An easy job for little helpers

Very brief post from me today to say that I have found a fun way for Livia to help with housework. When I'm unloading the dishwasher, I lift out the cutlery holder and put it on the floor for her. I then put the cutlery drawer on the floor too and her job is to sort it and put them away. It's useful and a game that keeps them absorbed for a while (well, if you have a neat freak like Livia!). We did have a bit of banging spoons on the floor so if you worry about germs it may not be the best!

Confidence

It surprises me the way even little children can suffer from low confidence. It's easy to look at those early years with rose-tinted glasses and imagine they are days of being carefree and not worrying about how others view you. Maybe some children are like that but I'm realising that, for Chloe at least, how confident she feels has a real impact on her behaviour, effort and emotions.

The last few weeks at swimming have been tricky for Chloe. She has forgotten quite a bit over the summer and the people in her class have changed too. The first week back Chloe got halfway through the class and was struggling a bit with what she was being asked to do. She told her teachers she had a sore throat and they escorted her back to me. I knew she probably wasn't ill but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Later, when it was clear she was fine, we chatted about it and she admitted she had felt a bit upset in the lesson.

The week after wasn't much better. Chloe started well but as soon as the instructors wanted them to move onto using their arms as well as their legs on her back, she found it difficult and didn't have the confidence to keep trying. She kept stopping to look for the instructor and relied on their help more than usual. I had a word with the teacher at the end and said I felt she had lost her confidence a bit.

This morning I was determined to give her a boost before Chloe began her lesson. We discussed trying and how lots of people do things they find difficult and manage to be much better than they think because they tried hard (she asked me what I had done recently, which was a challenge! I said doing assemblies at school ha!). She came out with, 'if you try try try, then you can can can!'

This week Chloe was like a different child. She pushed through when she was struggling and managed to do a whole length without putting her feet down, using arms and legs. This was something she hadn't managed even before the summer! The beaming smile on her face at the end of the lesson showed she was really happy with how she'd done (especially as her teacher said it was her best swim so far). I'm really glad she had such a positive experience of 'if you try try then you can can can!'

Marbles

Chloe has been testing us the last few weeks. She has started doing things which a couple of months ago, she just wouldn't do. I don't want to list all her misbehaviour but it's general disobedience and her attitude. I think because Chloe is an emotional and quite dramatic little bean, she can escalate situations in her mind and remain 'in a mood' about something, which then puts the day a bit out of kilter. It's quite hard to draw her out of a circle of attention-seeking bad behaviour, punishment and then a worse mood.

(As an aside, I wonder whether other parents find their children's behaviour deteriorates towards the end of the summer holidays? I feel a lot of it is boredom-related or that we're all losing our patience just a little!)

The sanctions we were using (mainly time outs or confiscations) were just not having any effect. We'd get into a crazy spiral of Chloe having various things confiscated and we couldn't keep track of it! Or she'd be brooding in her room, not really calming down. I guess these are good occasional punishments but don't do much to promote good behaviour. Things had to change.

Our latest plan (and it's early days so it may fail completely!) is to have a jar with marbles in - 10 at the start of the week. Chloe can gain marbles for good behaviour; especially following commands straight away! She will lose marbles if we have to keep repeating ourselves and she is deliberately ignoring us. Or any serious offence (picking on Livia is going to be a big one!). If she gets to Friday with 10 or more marbles then she can stay up late and play a game with us. Chloe seems keen on the idea today so I am hoping it will be something she will get on board with. 

I will keep you posted on how it works out!

Note to an expectant mum

I'm sorry I have just realised that this post was never published because I wrote it in Cornwall where the reception is very dodgy and it kept failing! So this was written mid-August.

[On another note, I know I am posting a lot less than I was. I think that's how it's going to be for a while. Thanks again for reading.]

I was at a baby-shower last week where we were writing little notes of wisdom to the new mum. I always find it really tricky to think of something in that situation, put on the spot and half-listening to the conversations around you. I wrote something which I think will be helpful but it's not really the message I would really want to communicate to a new mum.

We are currently on holiday in Cornwall. It's been a lovely trip so far, nothing exotic or fast-paced, just days on the beach and days wandering around Cornish towns. Perfect. Lots of time for thinking too. 

I've been lying in bed and pondering the message I wished I had written at the baby-shower. I think the top message I would want to give a new mum would be: your main job in raising your child is to love them as God loves you. It is not to teach them manners, or to get them to eat all their dinner. It is not to breast-feed them or buy them trendy clothes. It is not to teach them phonics or how to behave themselves in church. How releasing! How simple! All the rest will follow.

It reminds me of the verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matt 6.33

Life is about loving God and then sharing that love with those around us. I so wish I could remember that in all those moments when I start comparing myself or judging my own efforts. I would love an expectant mum to have that in mind as she began parenthood.

Raising girls

I'm feeling quite stirred today about the task God has given me raising girls. Not that it is a more difficult/noble/important task than raising boys. But at this moment in time I have been given two little girls to look after and bring safely to womanhood. I have also got a job working in an all-girls school so I am ultra aware of the pressures and issues that young ladies are facing.

I love these precious little creatures who can be so fragile and so feisty all at once, with emotions bubbling near the surface at all times. My girls are kind and care about others but are also easily hurt or offended too. They are performers and are creative. They like dresses and plaits. They like climbing trees and playing with creepy crawlies. 

Through teaching I'm aware of girls with anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, chronic fatigue and depression. Girls who are bullied via social media and approached by boys for sexual images. There's so much I want to protect my daughters from. Raising them to have good self-esteem, to be confident and deal with difficult situations and temptations is something I feel challenged to start praying for now and regularly. 

Happy times

Does anyone else find happy times really bitter-sweet? Sometimes when things feel so perfect I sit there and can't help but feel a tinge of sadness that the moment won't last. I wish that time would pause for a while and things just stay put. I'm feeling very content and full, enjoying lots of family time and making special memories with my girls. 

Finding God in the sick-bed moments

I was really looking forward to church this morning. I've been feeling a bit spiritually dry, with being away last week and not finding enough time to spend with God. I haven't seen many church people for a while and needed that fellowship and time of worshipping together. In preparation last night I had a longer quiet time to try and prepare my heart for the service (does anyone else find they have to do this? I sometimes find it difficult to quieten my mind when I go straight into church). 

But it wasn't to be. Chloe has gone down with a fever and sore throat over night and J was helping to lead the service so I am on sick-bed duties. It's hard not to feel disappointed with the way the day has turned out. However I completely believe that I am just as capable of being blessed and meeting with God at home as I am at church. I'm hoping that Chloe will be happy for me to leave her side soon so I can do some chores and maybe listen to a sermon at the same time. But if not I know he is watching over us as we curl up on the sofa together.

Week away

Last week I was on a trip with my school to Italy, visiting Rome and Sorrento. It was a real privilege getting to visit some lovely place and not having to pay for it. The girls we took all behaved very well and the trip mostly went smoothly (except for a few minor things, like a girl not wanting to get on the plane, missing Capri because a girl was poorly and a coach breaking down!). The weather was scorching; arguably too hot for walking around Roman sites all day. There were a few afternoons on the beach in Sorrento but most of the time we were up and about morning, afternoon and evening. It was exhausting too and that sense of I'm responsible for 17 children whose parents aren't here eeek! never really went away.

Before I left I felt very wobbly about leaving the girls for so long. J was off most of the week so I knew they'd be absolutely fine. But I think I often need them as much as they need me. My home and routine with them and my husband is my little safety net and being in a different country with people who aren't close friends or family was quite daunting. I was more at risk of homesickness than the teenage girls!

I am really glad I went. There were a few tearful moments in my hotel room watching watsapp videos from the girls, but mostly I was ok! It is comforting to know that the world doesn't fall apart when I'm not there and the girls are confident enough to have some time apart. And it is even nicer to have the reunion at the end with the increased sense of 'my family means the world to me'! Sometimes this can be lost a little in the sameness of everyday life. I'm very happy to have the whole of the rest of the summer all together.

Understanding

I wonder whether other parents have moments like I do, when I suddenly understand my children more than ever before; like I'm getting a glimpse inside their head. Today I had that sort of experience watching Chloe in her ballet lesson. Usually parents do not stay in for the lesson but the last lesson of the year is an opportunity for the children to show off to their mums and dads.

I was very proud watching my beautiful, little girl twirl around with pointy toes and curved arms. It was especially important for me to see how much confidence she now had, as we had so many issues with ballet at the beginning of the year (I'm sure I blogged about it). But more interesting than that was seeing how Chloe behaved in a situation where she was being coached by someone else and seeing how all the different girls reacted in that group situation.

I'm learning more and more that Chloe is very eager to please. She focused really hard on everything the teacher said. So when they were told 'no crinkly tummies, sit up straight!', Chloe kept trying to look down to check her tummy (which defeated the object a little!). She also concentrated very hard on counting in some of the dances and sometimes forgot herself and said the numbers out loud! It really touched my heart to see her trying so hard to please her teachers:

It has also given me an insight into her anxiety about new things. If Chloe is trying so hard to please and accomplish a task perfectly then she is going to struggle at new skills. I think this is where creating an environment at home where it is ok to 'fail' is so important. This is definitely a new goal I am setting myself. Whilst it's not wrong for Chloe to try her best, I never want her to feel stressed about being 'perfect' at something. I need her to know I will always be proud of her, no matter what.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Provision

It's super late and I've got to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for Chloe's swimming so I'm just jotting down a thought for the day. This week I have had a lot going on. Every morning it's felt like I've been asking God for something that's felt really big or at least important to me (an observation at work, leading prayers in chapel, preschool places, gaining planning permission, BBQ going smoothly). And it has felt a bit this week that I'm asking too much. Like I'm being greedy by asking God for so many things and he'll get to the point where he stops answering my prayers. But in the things that have happened already He has shown his goodness and provision; it really shouldn't surprise me! I'm thankful that no-one can give like God does and there is no cut off point. Grace upon grace! Thank you Lord.

Feeling unwell

Today I don't feel too good. It's nothing terrible but that general coldy, scratchy throat, pressure in head, itchy eyes, feeling a bit shivery kind of ill. I have been feeling it coming on the last few days but had work and didn't feel ill enough to not go in. But today is Saturday so I've decided it would be wise to have a morning of resting and missing the things I had planned to have a sleep and hopefully be back to myself this afternoon. It's not too much to ask is it?

However with children this is seriously difficult. Chloe didn't like the fact I wasn't communicating enough with her or playing the games we normally play so was doing all she could to annoy me. This ended up with me in tears which then made her cry. Then J removed the children downstairs but they kept escaping! Chloe wanted to eat breakfast in bed with me and Livia came in saying 'I love you mummy' and climbing on top of my head. 

Then there are all the little dramas downstairs that are hard not to get involved in. Like Chloe wanting her pens for drawing, not her pencils which J found for her; or Livia playing with the light switches over and over. Then there's the awareness of all the jobs that J is being left to do, like breakfast, getting the girls dressed, doing their hair and teeth, getting the bag ready etc. It's hard not to feel very guilty when you're just lying in bed.

I will get my rest. Just when they've all gone out! 

May/June favourites

I've seen lots of bloggers/vloggers do their monthly 'favourites' before and I thought it might be a nice way for me to document some recent things I've been enjoying when I don't have many exciting adventures or events to share. So here are some from May and the start of June.

- Chloe's tea party with Nanna. When we recently visited my grandparents, my Granny (known to Chloe as Nanna), pulled out a child's tea set which she had been given 2nd hand. We have tea sets at home but not like this one; it was real China and was hand-painted, very special in Chloe's eyes. Nanna put some diluted squash in the tea pot, water in the milk jug and sugar in the sugar bowl (yep, lots of sugar but it was a one off!). Chloe loved pouring the tea and adding the water and sugar. The sweetest part was that she then insisted on 'having a chat', asking how my husband was and telling me all about her job as a doctor. Clearly this is what she's learning from coming with me for coffee, haha! Nanna loved it!

- The garden. I love being outside at the moment and the nice weather is really helping. I like it for allowing the girls a run around or just being outside instead of cooped up playing the same games. Try love the sand pit and the climbing frame or finding bugs and making a home for them. But I also really like being outside by myself when Livia is napping or watering the plants while they're having their TV time. It's a little place of peace in our hectic lives.

- Church family time. As life is so hectic, sometimes it is difficult to get quality time with people from church. Even when I'm meeting up with people or having a chat at church, if the children are around, it can feel very superficial and it's so hard not to be distracted. But in the last few weeks I've had some lovely quality time with people, at events like parties and also individually. There's something about popcorn, a blanket, painting nails and watching something trashy (thank you friend if you're reading!).

- Dogs. This post is getting a little long but I do feel I have to mention that I am getting seriously broody for a puppy. We have been thinking about getting one for a while and it's becoming more likely. I spend too much time looking at puppies online and staring at other people's dogs!

Thank you Lord for all the wonderful things you put in my life. I'm sorry that I soemtimes get weighed down by the bad. Help me to count the blessings more often.

Chloe and marriage

We had a funny conversation with Chloe today about a boy she has decided she wants to marry. I'm not sure what it is which has made her like this boy, as a few weeks ago she said she didn't like boys and wasn't going to invite any to her party! But the other day she came out of school and declared that she loved him and then gave him a big hug before being dragged away!

I don't really know what to make of it all to be honest. Chloe is only 4! I think it comes from watching lots of Disney films and wanting to be like the princesses who fall in love. Anyway, onto the conversation today. She called us up to her room after going to bed and asked us 'how do I know if Liam (name changed!!) is going to be a baddie?' We asked her what she meant and she reminded us of a conversation we had recently about how not all grown-ups are good (Chloe had said this once and we were worried about the implications of thinking all adults were well-meaning so had to correct her). 

So Chloe was concerned about committing herself to a marriage with a boy who may not turn out 'good'. We reassured her that she doesn't need to decide for a long time and she should only worry about being good herself and having lots of friendships. I liked J's final thought when he told Chloe that 'when it's time, we'll help you decide.' I doubt that will happen but it was still sweet!

The Cotswolds/Warwick Castle

On Sunday we travelled up to the Cotswolds, visiting Cirencester and Bourton on the Water. We went to Cirencester first and were a bit disappointed when it started raining as soon as we arrived! We sheltered in a coffee shop (dogs seem to be allowed in every shop/pub/cafe in Cirencester, which I love). We then looked around the church in the town centre (a woman gave Chloe a picture of one of the carvings to find) and then had a picnic lunch in a park behind the church; it had stopped raining at this point but we did get a little soggy! Thankfully it was sunny(ish) for the rest of the day.

We enjoyed looking around Cirencester's little boutique shops. We loved a dining room table and chairs which had been painted in different shades of chalk paint but it's not quite the right time to buy them yet. We also bought the girls sticker books which would come in useful later. I have taken school trips to the museum in Cirencester before and since we had more time to kill, we took a trip there. I thought it would be beyond Chloe but she was really interested and kept asking me questions about the Romans. I was pretty chuffed to share my interest with her. 

Our next destination was Bourton on the Water which had been recommended to us by my mum and dad. It's a really scenic Cotswold village with the traditional yellow stone buildings and a wide but shallow stream running through the centre. It is so popular because the stream is perfect for paddling in and has little bridges straddling it. Fronting the stream are some gorgeous cafes and restaurants. I would really recommend a visit. We paddled and wandered through, had ice creams and finally went for dinner at a restaurant called The Croft. 

We spent the night at a hotel in Warwick and then today we have visited Warwick Castle, which is now owned by the Merlin theme park group. Part of me hates the commercialisation and money-grabbing side of this (a hefty entrance fee plus loads of extras to pay for like parking & other attractions) but I have to admit that they have done a great job of bringing the castle to life. There was so much to do and we spent a good 8 hours there. The highlights were the Princess Tower, a trebuchet demonstration and the Time Tower which told you the history of the castle in really inventive ways. Chloe was pretending to gallop around on her horse and Livia was surprisingly interested too! 

We are currently doing the typical parents-in-a-hotel-room thing where we lie as still as possible and hope the girls go off to sleep. They are very excited by their day but also completely exhausted so I'm hopeful for a good night!

Time together

This week is half term. It was the nicest feeling finishing work on Friday and driving to pick Chloe up from school, knowing that we were all going to be together for a week. J has taken holiday too, so I'm super excited about quality family time. 

This time last year we went on our holiday to France - I can't really believe it's been a whole year! I documented the trip with blog posts and I'm keen to do the same this week. After being a bit quiet on here recently, I'm missing keeping a record of family life so it will be nice to get back into it. We aren't going abroad this time but have a couple of days away in the Cotswolds and then visiting family and friends in the Midlands. 

It's currently 6am in the morning; neither of the girls are awake and I went to bed at gone midnight last night after watching Eurovision with a friend, so I really should be asleep. But I'm too excited to get packing and start our day. Hooray for holidays!

Girly girls

I have been wondering recently about Chloe and her growing love for all things 'girly' (as she says!). As soon as she gets home from school, she rushes upstairs and changes into a dress (it has to be a twirly dress!). She then goes into my room and rummages under my bed to find a pair of heels. She will sometimes ask for the tiara I wore as a bridesmaid and then totter round, pretending to be a princess.

Some of Chloe's friends are allowed to use make-up at home. I think it's mostly only a bit of lipgloss and some of them have make-up for dance shows. But it still makes me uneasy. Chloe went to a friend's party and came home with a bit of make-up on - mostly glitter and a bit of lipgloss. I said to her that for a party I didn't mind too much but we believe she's too little to use make-up at home. It does worry me that she already feels the need to (in her words) 'make myself look pretty'.

Do I need to be worried? I'm sure little girls have been dressing up in their mummy's shoes and dresses for decades. And Chloe sees me putting on make-up, so why shouldn't she be curious about it? But I desperately don't want her to grow up to quickly. I already feel a little sad thinking about her 3 year old self who wanted a monster party and would choose to dress up as a knight instead of a princess. I want to foster all sides of her personality and not lose her to the pink, glittery world of 'being girly'.

Childhood friends

Sometimes I find myself envying Chloe's little childhood friendships. I love the way little girls can know each other for a matter of minutes (like at the park) and already be running around together and enjoying each other's company so much.

Chloe has made a friend at swimming lessons. She only sees her for half an hour every week but they link arms in the pool, hold hands, jump up and down together, whisper in each other's ear. It's always funny to watch from the viewing gallery! Although sometimes I wish she'd focus a bit more on the swimming!

Sometimes it would be nice if adult friendships were like this. If we could accept each other so quickly and enjoy just being together. It would be refreshing not to have so much formality when we first meet someone. I love the enthusiasm Chloe has for her friends and the excitement of sharing things with them (I'm thinking particularly about the discovery of a snail in the playground yesterday and all these little faces crowding around her to look). I miss these intense little friendships.

Quietness

Hello! I know I haven't posted in a while. I just wanted to let you (anyone who may care!) know that I haven't given up on the blog, just having a few hectic weeks. I don't want to post if I don't have anything to say so the blog will have to wait until I'm feeling more inspired :) 

Flower Book

For the last week Chloe has been creating a 'Flower Book'. It was inspired by J who gave her the idea but also to do with her class studying non-fiction books and how to look up information. She stuck all the pages together by herself and then carefully made a contents page and numbered all the pages. I didn't know she was capable of working it all out by herself but she did.

Next Chloe sat on her climbing frame peering into all of the neigbours' gardens to look for inspiration. She copied the various types of flowers and also looked up more exciting ones in a book I have on 'Small Gardens'. She coloured them in and then wrote a sentence for each one (they were quite funny; eg - 'this flower is different because it doesn't have yellow in the middle, it has brown'. She told me what she wanted to write and I wrote the sentences on a separate piece of paper for her to copy.

Last night I sent her to bed with the paper with the sentences on, her flower book and some pens. When I checked her a couple of hours later she had fallen asleep with most of the sentences copied out and one half completed before she fell asleep with the pen next to her, gradually soaking into the pillow case. Chloe also had a considerable amount of pen on her face, arms and knees! I didn't mind at all.

I am sharing this story partly because I am proud of her project, but also because it sums up my little Chloe so well. She is a dreamer who loves to create things, especially when they are beautiful, like flowers. She also has a desire to please and make people proud of her; a big part of her motivation for this book is to take it into school and show her teachers. I know this can be a dangerous personality trait but it's also lovely. I love that she likes to make people happy and that she would work so hard on something of her own creation.

Enjoy the snuggles!

I'm embracing the really soppy title because my heart's feeling all fuzzy after an indulgent cuddle with my Livia. Chloe is out on an emergency shoe-buying misusing with Daddy (don't ask) and I put Livia to bed just the 2 of us. 

When I said goodnight to her, I couldn't help but climb into bed with her and have a cuddle. 2 year olds aren't the best at cuddles; they are more interested in squirming out of your arms to go and explore. Or there is a jealous 4 year old around who also wants to climb on your lap! So a sneaky cuddle when she's in bed and in a sleepy mood was perfect! 

I lay there watching her while Livia chatted away at me, loving the attention ('mummy, lolly, i-ceam, daturday, Nenna, bed!'). It's such a treat to just stop and adore your children. To breathe them in and feel their warmth and tell them you love them. Livia's face when I left had the biggest smile; I will be sneaking in for more cuddles soon.

2 year old

I think I'd forgotten how difficult the 2 year old stage can be. Before I launch into a bit of a moan, I want to point out that I also love the 2 year old stage. I think there's nothing quite as sweet as a child learning to talk and all the funny things they come out with. Seeing Livia starting to copy her big sister and attempt more and more is so much fun.

Things feel hard work at the moment because Livia has very definite ideas about what she wants to do/doesn't want to do. A lot of these things aren't allowed or involve danger and if she doesn't get her away Livia does the typical throwing herself on the floor and screaming. She also isn't yet at the age where she understands bargaining - 'get in the buggy now and you can get out when we get to the park' / 'give the toy to Chloe and you can have it in a minute' / 'eat three more mouthfuls of dinner and then you can have pudding'.

We had a dentist trip this afternoon where I also had to be seen and trying to keep Livia from destroying the place while I was sitting in the chair was impossible! The dentist gave me an X-ray which involved trying to get Livia out of the room but not running off... not going to happen! I may have to beg a babysitter next time.

On the plus side I don't get as embarrassed about her behaviour as I used to with Chloe. I know it is a phase and it will pass. Can I keep the little girl cuteness but have some of the grown-up sense please?!

And...

I have been interested by the Gilette advertising campaign called 'Use Your And'. It's not often that I pay attention to adverts but I think the concept behind their campaign is a really good one. The idea is not to give in to labelling and to think of all the good things that define you. Everyone is so complex; you can be lots of different roles and have all sorts of desires and interests which may not fit in a particular box. I always think of American teenage films at this point, where they have the groups: 'jocks', 'geeks', 'mean girls' etc.

So, on the advert Gilette say 'they told you were pretty, say "yes, and?"''; the idea being to not stop at that one pigeon-hole. It inspired me because I think it is so easy to believe what other people see you as being, how you look on face-value. The line that got me in the advert was, 'shy but bold'. I have had a few wobbles in confidence the last few months, especially when it comes to leadership roles and what I can bring. I am not a natural up-the-front person. But I am gradually believing that I can be 'shy' and also bold too. I need to resist believing something about myself which is not true just because it is easy to give myself a label.

Bringing God into this, I am thankful that He sees all that I am and that He created every bit of it. There some parts of me which don't always seem to fit, or desires which I am yet to fulfil. But I know that they are not out of place (as long as they don't contradict what the Bible says!) and God has planned them all for a purpose. A big one for me is writing. I still don't know what purpose God has for this desire. But I enjoy that part of me so much and I won't keep it hidden; it is who I am!

What is your 'and'?

Swimming lessons

My new favourite time of the week is 8.30 on a Sunday morning. It may sound like madness to most people, creating more to do on a Sunday before church, but I am really enjoying Chloe's early morning swimming lessons! We decided this would be the best time because it doesn't intrude on family time altogether and it also means that one of us (me) can take Chloe and one of us (Jon can stay with Livia. I didn't fancy trying to get Chloe changed with a grumpy toddler who also wants to swim.

We have found that swimming lessons have actually made Sunday morning less stressful; we are fully prepared for the rush with bags ready and alarms set. Rather than the panic we normally get into when we realise we should have been got out of bed ages ago!

I love watching Chloe swim. At the pool where she has her lessons, there is a viewing platform up high where parents can watch but not interfere. I'm loving seeing Chloe enjoy the water and grow in confidence. Her teachers are really lovely and she's getting to know the children in the class. In pleased to say Chloe seems to be getting over her shyness and goes in with no issues. After the lesson we head back up for a leisurely coffee (what I'm doing now!), before heading down the road to church. Lovely!

Life can be tough

In the last few weeks I've had several conversations with ladies who are finding life tough. It has come at a helpful time for me because I had been stressing a bit about me finding things difficult and how I felt like I was the only one. It feels like God is reminding me that I'm not abnormal - life is difficult sometimes. And he's giving me people who I can confide in because they have confided with me.

It's been interesting because these have mostly been non-church ladies. I can see how friendships like this can become places to bring the Gospel in. I'll give you an example of a conversation I have had. A mum from Chloe's school invited me round for a coffee and confided in me that she sometimes really dislikes school pick-up time because she feels stressed about whether she'll have mums to talk to. I was touched by her honesty and could then tell her that I frequently feel the same. We've met up several times since and I am thankful for our friendship.

I am thankful that I have my faith to hold onto when I find life tough. I am also grateful for developing friendships where I can share emotions and feelings and offer/receive support. Sending lots of love to anyone reading this who is struggling; reach out to God who understands completely. 

'God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.'  Psalms 46:1

Faithfulness

A quick thought for the day from me. This week I've been reminded of how GOOD God is (He deserves the italics and bold font!). Sometimes I struggle to believe this; I know it deep down but don't always let this be reflected in the way I live my life (by praying less or having faith less for example). 

I've had some great answers to prayer recently, which have gone beyond what I was asking for. One which I can share, was a pretty fab lesson observation which I was stressing about. Everything went smoothly, all the pupils showed off their knowledge well and the activities I planned seemed to work! And I had great feedback so I'm really pleased. All I asked God for was to get through it and He went way beyond my expectations. 

Thank you for being such a generous God. I'm sorry for the times when I doubt this. Help me to learn that your answer is not always 'yes' but that you are always good.

The girls' friendship

I've spoken plenty of times before about how I love watching the girls' friendship grow. It seems to get better as Livia gets older and isn't just the little sister who breaks things or can't understand things. Alongside that the bickering is getting worse too but generally they're not too bad.

I thought I'd record  a few of their 'moments' together:

- In the morning you will normally hear Livia calling, 'Come one, Nenna!', wanting Chloe to get down from the top bunk and come and play.

- Chloe is quite nurturing with her sister and will pull Livia onto her lap or put her arm round her is there's a programme on tv which Livia finds scary (eg - Zingzillas!).

- Livia will on the rare occasions run to her sister and give her a huge, bear hug. Chloe is always thrilled about this!

- Chloe is taking over the role of organiser and wil come up with games to play. Livia will gladly copy her sister for a while. At the moment they are making a big den out of pillows and duvets in their room whilst J and I have a few more minutes in bed!

I love these little stories. They are a good reminder of the good moments when the girls start shouting 'mine' and getting too rough with each other!

Spring feelings

We've had such a lovely weekend. Yesterday was our first meeting with our new 'Connect Group', which is all to do with families. These new groups are supposed to be getting away from the traditional midweek group model and moving out into the community. We had an informal meeting at a coffee shop in town which is next to a soft play, which seemed to work really well. Coffee with friends is always a good start to a weekend I think!

We then went to goodbye party for some friends who are moving abroad in the afternoon. And then today Chloe had her first swimming lesson at 8.30 before church. It was very successful and Chloe was much more confident at going straight in than I was expecting (hooray!). Then straight to church, which was a really nice service and I felt a lot more relaxed than I have recently at church. Then to add to Chloe's busy day, she had a riding lesson with two friends from school (which was a special treat we had promised her ages ago for being brave in hospital). It was nice to spend some time with mums from Chloe's school too.

To add to all of this, the weather has been beautiful and I'm feeling so thankful for the beginning of spring, which I really need right now. I'm getting that itchy-feet, need to get outside kind of feeling. Life has been a bit confusing and hectic recently and I feel like my head is slightly clearer and calmer now. So, thank you Jesus for friends, church, good weather and fun family times.

Limitations

I've been thinking recently about my limitations - could be a really negative post but im actually finding it really freeing! I'm especially feeling the pressure at work at the moment. Our GCSE course is not proving very popular for next year which has been quite disappointing. So I have been pouring my efforts into making the year 9 course more interesting to try and change the pupils' minds! But it's a lot of work without any guaranteed result at the end. I'm having to realise that I can't be the 'perfect' teacher and my lessons aren't always going to be super exciting. I'm also having to admit that it's quite likely I won't be able to convince anymore pupils to sign up to the GCSE. It's a hard one to accept.

I think this can also be a lesson that needs to be applied to parenting. Some days we have to settle for the microwave meal, to cancelling a play date or missing one evening of reading homework. There's no such thing as a 'model parent'. I had this brought home to me when Chloe was in hospital over Christmas. I wanted to do all the stays overnight and not really leave the hospital. But after 4 nights of interrupted sleep and being on edge a lot of the time, I had a reminder of my limitations when I was woken at 6am by Chloe having her intravenous antibiotics. I hopped out of bed and was standing next to her but the nurses were having trouble flushing the cannula. Chloe started sobbing because it was hurting her; the nurses reassured her but carried on. The emotion of Chloe being in pain and watching the needle in her arm being moved about meant that suddenly I felt very strange and the next moment I fainted, cracking my chin on the side of Chloe's bed! J insisted after this that I go home that evening and he would take over. Point taken!

If you are struggling in an area, realise your limitations. Ask someone for help or take steps to make life easier. It's not failure but realising that you are only human. More importantly I know that I need to remind myself often that this parenting malarkey only works with God's help. Thank goodness it isn't down to us!

The long view

One of the benefits of parenting a second child is that you have a much better understanding of the long view. You know that children go through stages, that they aren't a 'finished product' and if you don't feel like you're doing very well in one area, there is plenty of time to work on things. You can take a long term view of the situation and not panic about the present. If I could go back in time and talk to myself as a first-time mum, this is definitely a message I would want to share!

One aspect of parenting where I'm trying to remember the long view at the moment is when Livia is fussy at mealtimes. She has suddenly hit the stage where she has an opinion about what she's eating and she wants to push at our boundaries. Breakfast and lunch are generally ok because they're very similar every day. But dinner times are becoming tricky. She is fine with meat and two veg (although if she can help it, she won't eat the veg!) and any type of tomatoey pasta. There are a few other meals she'll eat well but anything which we don't have so regularly, she will turn her nose up at.

We've had all sorts of protests at the table: spitting food out, throwing it on the floor, banging it with her spoon, tipping it on the table, pouring her drink in it. If Livia can get attention by misbehaving with a meal she doesn't like then she will try anything! It's hard work and also dispiriting when you've put a lot of work into a meal.

I remember this stage with Chloe and having major panics about how she was becoming 'a fussy eater' (such an unhelpful label). I projected her current behaviour into her future and had visions of her becoming one of these children who will only eat fish fingers! Now, I know that these stages pass. And they will arrive again! Chloe still goes through times of being more fussy. She isn't perfect at trying new foods but has a wider repertoire of foods she will eat. I don't feel we did anything revolutionary to move through fussiness; just kept offering a variety of foods and not giving an alternative if a meal was rejected. 

When I feel frustrated at Livia, I will remind myself again (and again), that she is 2 and still learning lots. In the long view I am confident that she will eat a whole variety of foods and be excited about new things. And I know that God will keep teaching me about parenting and give me greater wisdom in dealing with difficult situations. 

Giggles!

Whoops! We just totally failed to discipline Livia for drawing on the bedroom wall. We went up to check on the girls, as they were making a bit of noise. Livia was standing at the stair gate with some pencils in her hand. I immediately thought, uh-oh. Chloe helpfully piped up, 'She's been drawing on the wall'. Why didn't you tell us?? (I should point out at this point that we haven't managed to decorate their room yet - phew).

We took the pencils off Livia and sternly said, 'That's naughty. We don't draw on the wall.' Livia immediately did her usual stare at the ground with her lip out, which comes out when she's being told off. We then told her to say sorry but I was already hiding my face because her expression was too darn funny! Then J's voice started to crack when she refused to reply and stayed with eyes down on the blanket. Finally, Chloe burst into laughter and that set us all off! She then summed it up: 'She's just too cute. I can't deal with it!'

Haha!

Nothing is safe!

Livia seems to have a talent for breaking things. I'm putting it down to an inquisitive mind! I think we're going to have to work on respecting our possessions. 

Here is a current list of objects that have become her victims:

- Books

- Pens

- Make-up

- a karaoke machine ( 😞 )

- a money box

- (to some extent) our DVD player

- a letter holder 

- balloons

- lasagne dishes x3

- the in-laws' laptop (!!!)

I'm sure I've missed some. To Livia's credit she does always act surprised ('uh oh! Broken!'). 

Happy for you

Ive been thinking recently about how it can be so hard for us to be happy for other people. Why is it that when we hear someone been given something or achieved something or just been blessed out of the blue, part of us can be thinking, what about me? I'm finding this happening to me at work. Some of my colleagues who are at a similar position to me, are starting to gain promotions and be given roles like Head of Year or Head of Department. They don't have the family commitments I have and mainly work full time, but I still feel a pang of jealousy when I should be feeling pleased for them.

There is so much 'me, me, me' in our culture. Parents want the best for their child. Children are taught how special they are (good, obviously) but maybe we're neglecting to tell them how special the person next to them is. I like a post I read on another blog about a family that 'doesn't do fair', instead they are happy for the blessings their siblings receive. 

We have been working on this idea this week, as it's been Livia's birthday. We have been very unapologetic that this is a day to make Livia feel special. And thankfully Chloe has been really on board. We had a few issues with wanting the first go with new toys, but generally Chloe was very excited to celebrate her little sister. 

I am sure this will be an ongoing challenge but I am hoping we can use this to teach our children about Jesus' grace in the future.

My sister

I've been enjoying the way Chloe and Livia are interacting recently. As Livia gets older they can play together a lot more, which has it's ups and it's downs! We do get squabbling over toys and winding each other up but there are some really lovely moments.

Yesterday Chloe had a play date at a friend's house. Livia and I went to pick her up about 6 and were invited in for a few minutes. Chloe's friend is the youngest and she has an older sister; they both are really interested in Livia and were taking it in turns to show her round the house, helping her up the stairs and lifting her up to the fish tank (the mum had to step in at one point when they started fighting over her!). Chloe took this really well and seemed proud that her sister was so popular.

When we got home the girls came in and I was hanging the coats away. Out of nowhere Livia went over to Chloe and gave her the biggest hug, which Chloe was so pleased about. They were standing there for a few moments, Chloe's face pressed into Livia's hair. I have the image of it really clearly in my head (part of me wanted to run to take a picture but I just enjoyed it instead). 

It didn't take long before Chloe took something Livia was playing with again and Livia was shouting 'share! Mine!', but it's so special to have little moments of sisterly love. I have no idea how to cultivate it so I am going to just pray that God does it for me! Any tips anyone has then please let me know. 

Ground, swallow me now!

I've just had one of these moments where you want the ground to swallow you up. Chloe was invited to one of her good friend's parties, one she really wouldn't want to miss. However she has a real thing about parties at the moment; they seem to overwhelm her and she gets really funny when we first arrive. Jon was working so there was just me taking her and obviously I had Livia as well. The party had lots of animals so it wasn't the sort of party that little ones would enjoy; you have to keep really quiet so as not to scare the animals. So I really couldn't let Livia stay. At home Chloe seemed confident that she would be okay being left. 

However when we got there five minutes late and everyone else was sitting quietly watching, Chloe burst into loud tears. I then also had Livia squealing excitedly at the balloons and trying desperately to escape me so that she could go and play with them. This went on for a good 5 minutes! So I was standing there with a wailing child clinging to me and a toddler drumming her feet on the floor. The entertainer asked if the women at the back could keep it down because The animals could get scared. I don't think the situation could have been much worse really! 

Chloe was eventually coaxed into going to sit down by one of the older children at the party. i've now escape and have given my phone number to the organiser, saying that if Chloe gets upset I can rush straight back. Yeah, I'm glad to be out of there to be honest. Rahh! I'm hoping Chloe has a good time and it will give her confidence for the next party. I'm not doing that again!

Cosy family

I'm sitting watching my mum reading to Chloe and Livia after a very chilly school run. Chloe chose the book, Chloe asked Mum to read it and chose where to sit. Livia wandered over after they'd started and clambered into the middle of them. She just sat still listening and watching. I think she is often like this. She doesn't mind whether she's the centre of attention, she's just content being cosy in the middle of all the family. I wonder whether that's to do with her personality or whether it's a second child thing. I can understand that feeling, having a group of people who are familiar/comforting around you. It's nice to sit back and watch the action sometimes.

Weekend of 'us'

This weekend we have been away at my grandparents, spending time with family which we missed over Christmas. I've talked before about how my grandparents' house is such a happy place for me. Going there is like sinking into a warm bath - an 'ahhh' moment. I love that I can just be me, my children can just be themselves and we all are so well loved and looked after. And we love Nanna and Pops so much!

The last week has been testing from a behaviour point of view. Chloe has got to that awkward point where she is now pretty much better but is still acting as she was when she was ill. She is expecting lots of attention, to not have to mind her manners and to be given whatever she wants. It's been quite difficult! I sometimes feel it necessary to apologise or make excuses for her. But this weekend I increasingly have felt God reminding me that she is just a child and will act 'childishly' at points in her life, especially after a traumatic couple of weeks. 

I feel like I want to share this moment of having grace for children to be children with other parents who may have had a testing week. As I have said before, children aren't robots. Babies will have nights of being awake every few hours, toddlers will throw themselves on the floor in public, children will say 'yuck, I don't like this' at a relative's house, siblings will hit eachother, girls will fall out with school friends.  These are all completely normal behaviours. All of these will need challenging at points but some days it's ok to leave the battle for another day.

I'm feeling so much lighter this evening for having a weekend of just being 'us'. I hope I can pass a little bit of that on.

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,

9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

We're out!

A happy post to say that we're now home! (Well, have been since Saturday, oops). We were discharged, despite Chloe's X-ray not showing improvement because, clinically, she was showing all the signs of being on the mend (eg - temperatures coming down, breathing ok without oxygen, eating and drinking ok). 

Since then we've been recuperating at home and it's been going very well! Chloe had 6 lots of antibiotics per day to begin with, which she didn't enjoy. On the day we returned home, it was noticeable how quiet Chloe was and not herself (even turning down sweets!). I suspect she was a bit traumatised from all she'd been through; I don't think I'll ever forget having to watch her being held down so the nurses could pull out the drain in her side and do up the stitch which had been left there. I can't imagine what it's like for her looking back on those experiences.

However, things are much better now. Chloe is running around with Livia and wanting to be entertained. She's almost back to normal. We had to return to hospital today to have the stitches removed and to have another X-ray. The stitches were traumatic but the X-ray was fine! It showed that there is improvement, despite a lot of cloudiness still on the right side. The only way you can tell now is that Chloe gets breathless very easily and has much less energy. Otherwise you'd never know!

I'm so thankful for the support of friends, family, the church, mums at school, colleagues and people I don't know well at all. It's been such a ray of sunshine (cheesy) to know so many people care about Chloe. I'm so happy it's over now (although I'm only really starting to process it all). A couple of days and I'm sure Chloe will be back to school.

Thank you Jesus for healing my little girl. I thank you for your angels watching over her. I thank you for holding our hands through the whole process and giving us the courage to face everything that was thrown at us. I ask now Lord that you will please bring complete healing and help us to return to normal life. Thank you, amen.