Bonding

I have found recently that I find leaving Chloe harder than I used to and I miss her more when I'm away from her. It made me wonder about how the bonds between parents and children change over time. I feel like I can be completely honest in this blog so please don't judge me when I say what I'm about to say! When Chloe was born I found it hard to feel a bond with her straight away. My love for her was absolute and overwhelming from the beginning - that is the part that is objective and not changed by time.

However I have found that my bond with Chloe has changed. At the start I felt almost scared of this new person who had joined our family. I think I was a little taken aback by how much responsibility had suddenly been dropped on my shoulders. I felt such extreme pressure to be a perfect mum for this tiny baby that I didn't spend much time enjoying her. All this meant that I was very happy for lots of people to come and help me/hold her for a while/look after her while I rested. I felt so ill-equipped to care for this little baby that it was no problem others looking after her!

Things have changed over time and now Chloe is a toddler I really feel when she's not here. I worry that someone won't understand her little language or that she will ask for me or, knowing what mischief she can get into, she'll hurt herself. She has also become my friend! I don't know many people who could say that about a baby but now Chloe has grown a bit, I have got used to her company and like to share my day with her.

Chloe stayed overnight at my parents last night and I couldn't help but think ' what's she doing right now?' or 'what will she say when she wakes up at granny and grandpa's?' I love feeling so connected to my little girl!

By the way I do know that it is different for everyone and others will feel an immediate, strong connection with their newborn. For me that didn't happen but I don't think for one minute it has made me a worse mother. I'm wondering whether it will be different second time around when I know more about what I'm doing. I also worry about how a new baby will affect the wonderful bond I have with Chloe and whether I can have the same with a second without the one-on-one time I have had with Chloe. But they aren't questions I have to deal with yet!

I'd love to hear from people reading this blog, especially if you have experience of any of these issues. I think you can choose to comment below and you can remain anonymous if you want!

Talk soon x