Bonding

I have found recently that I find leaving Chloe harder than I used to and I miss her more when I'm away from her. It made me wonder about how the bonds between parents and children change over time. I feel like I can be completely honest in this blog so please don't judge me when I say what I'm about to say! When Chloe was born I found it hard to feel a bond with her straight away. My love for her was absolute and overwhelming from the beginning - that is the part that is objective and not changed by time.

However I have found that my bond with Chloe has changed. At the start I felt almost scared of this new person who had joined our family. I think I was a little taken aback by how much responsibility had suddenly been dropped on my shoulders. I felt such extreme pressure to be a perfect mum for this tiny baby that I didn't spend much time enjoying her. All this meant that I was very happy for lots of people to come and help me/hold her for a while/look after her while I rested. I felt so ill-equipped to care for this little baby that it was no problem others looking after her!

Things have changed over time and now Chloe is a toddler I really feel when she's not here. I worry that someone won't understand her little language or that she will ask for me or, knowing what mischief she can get into, she'll hurt herself. She has also become my friend! I don't know many people who could say that about a baby but now Chloe has grown a bit, I have got used to her company and like to share my day with her.

Chloe stayed overnight at my parents last night and I couldn't help but think ' what's she doing right now?' or 'what will she say when she wakes up at granny and grandpa's?' I love feeling so connected to my little girl!

By the way I do know that it is different for everyone and others will feel an immediate, strong connection with their newborn. For me that didn't happen but I don't think for one minute it has made me a worse mother. I'm wondering whether it will be different second time around when I know more about what I'm doing. I also worry about how a new baby will affect the wonderful bond I have with Chloe and whether I can have the same with a second without the one-on-one time I have had with Chloe. But they aren't questions I have to deal with yet!

I'd love to hear from people reading this blog, especially if you have experience of any of these issues. I think you can choose to comment below and you can remain anonymous if you want!

Talk soon x

Teacher / Parent?

I went to the Parenting Course I've been doing today and had a bit of a revelation! The topic was 'Talking' and how we speak to our children. It's not something I have thought much about really but it really struck me during the session so thought I would share.

The course leaders made the point that we often talk to our children in a very disrespectful way; in a way we would never use with anyone else. E.g. - 'Eat up quickly', 'don't put your coat there', 'come here now'. We then explored better ways of saying things; for example using 'I - messages', which means we say things like 'I feel upset because I don't like it when you hit Mummy'. This helps children to understand why you are giving commands and also shows them you are a real person who has feelings! I found some of the 'I-messages' a little contrived and not very realistic but I did like the general gist of speaking more respectfully to Chloe.

The main revelation I had was that I tend to go into 'teacher - mode' around Chloe. This means that I often order her around and speak to her sternly, trying to 'show her who's boss'. Now I'm writing this I'm cringing, as it makes me sound horrible! The good side of my experience teaching is that I am also very quick to encourage and tell Chloe when she's doing something well. With the ordering around - I think my teaching experience has made me think that I have to be very firm with laying down my expectations so that I don't get walked all over. For some reason I thought this would be the same with my children but it really isn't! I need to be emotionally available to Chloe and be able to share with her and explain things from my point of view, so that she feels the same with me. I can be vulnerable with her!

So my goal for this week is to have more time talking with Chloe and sharing how I feel with her. This hopefully will then gradually affect her actions, as she sees what effects they have.

In sickness and in health...

I was thinking about how it is funny that we have a set of vows that we promise when we get married - like 'in sickness and in health' - but when we have children, we just plunge into it without any of these promises. The commitment to our children will never be quite the same as the special, godly covenant between a husband and wife, but for the time that they are our responsibility, it can feel like a much greater tie. When Chloe is ill, life suddenly becomes a lot more complicated! She currently has a virus which includes a high temperature, sickness, refusing to eat, crying that she 'hurts' and needing lots of cuddles. Plans have to cancelled, emergency dr appointments made (we've been twice in last 2 days!) and early nights planned so that we can cope with the inevitable wake-ups during the night.

As well as this, as a mum I just don't feel right when Chloe is ill. J gave me the opportunity to go out last night as originally planned but I couldn't do it! I am normally fine at having time away from my daughter but when she is ill it's a different story. I need to be there for her if she needs me. I feel so protective and angry that she has to go through such horrible pain and distress. It's a cliche but I do wish I could go through it for her! Is this what Jesus felt about us when he died on the cross in our place? Obviously to a much greater extent! Thank you Lord, for loving me so much.

I'm praying Chloe gets better very soon x

Funny things Chloe says

I thought it would be nice to record the funny things Chloe is saying at the moment. I have been amazed at how quick language acquisition is once children start. Chloe says something new every day - no exaggeration. She is very keen to copy everything we say and will ask if she's unsure what something is.
So here are the more amusing things she comes out with:
 'baddy' - this is her name for Granny! (my mum)
'mo-mo' - Michael
'Si- Si' - Simon
'abo de sty' - this is Chloe's version of 'up above the world do high' from twinkle twinkle.
 'what's this?' - anything she hasn't seen before!
 'tenna' - her current name for herself!
 'chocolate cake' - anything which is brown is now chocolate cake.
 'sorry Jess' - anytime Chloe gets close to my parents' dog, she says sorry for stepping on her, before she does it.
'mummy's go' - even when it's down a kiddie's slide!
 'ready...go' - her favourite game, running everywhere.
 'show me show me' - favourite tv programme
 'ahhh buggy' - hugging her buggy!
 I'm sure I've forgotten loads but that's all I can remember for now.

Proud Mummy moment!

I just had to share something that happened today that made me feel so proud of Chloe! I had to post it here because I'm trying very hard not to sound like I'm 'boasting' on Facebook, something which I probably do far too much. But here I'm hoping you'll forgive me!

I went to a parenting course today, which will be the first of 5 sessions. I will probably post some thoughts about what we learnt some other time because this will have to be a very quick blog. Chloe went to a creche facility which was provided by the church (not the church I go to, as we're in the process of setting up our parents' ministry). When I went to collect Chloe from the creche, the lady in charge rushed over and said, "Chloe is just delightful! She's been so kind and generous with everyone!' I was so, so proud of her! She was sitting colouring happily, with no worries about being left with people she didn't know.

After my last post, I am so aware that these are the characteristics I should be encouraging and having Chloe being called 'kind and generous' by someone I don't know means a lot! Means much more than having her called 'pretty'.

What my kids will think I value in them

This is a confusing title but I'll explain... I've been thinking about what Chloe would think I value in her by what I say to other people, what I say to her and the way I treat her. I'm sure most of it probably goes over her head at the moment but I know some of it is being absorbed and as she gets older she will be shaped by the things I transmit to her (scary thought!). As I raise my children I want to instil godly values that will be healthy and encouraging to them.

So these are my thoughts so far:

 I think at the moment I put too much emphasis on what Chloe looks like. I will call her 'beautiful', 'gorgeous', 'pretty' and when I'm talking to people, we will often spend time discussing her looks, especially her hair! Sometimes it's not always positive; for example I often complain about how wild her hair looks most of the time. I will talk about her continuing cradle cap, or the way her belly has started poking out a lot more! All of this is said with love (I am not worried about Chloe's weight btw, just joking how she's started liking her food a lot more) but I think it's placing too high a value on physical appearance. I obviously will keep calling her 'beautiful', as that's a lovely thing for a little girl to hear (and it's true!) but I would hate to think that she is admired just because of her looks.

Another trap I don't want to fall into is becoming a slave to children's fashion. I like to dress Chloe in nice clothes and I am quite particular about I put her in. However sometimes I feel the pressure to make her look 'trendy' and to compete with other mums I know who seem to have a limitless budget when it comes to clothes of their children! I always want to put Chloe's comfort first and if I think it looks nice then it shouldn't matter about anyone else. I know I need to be careful when I'm dressing Chloe, that I don't give false importance to what she wears. She shouldn't be defined by what she wears - especially when she is so young!

One last negative which I sometimes do find myself falling into, is labelling. When I was younger I was always labelled as 'shy' and 'quiet'. This has stayed with my into adult life and I have always thought of it as a negative quality that people look down on. I have become a lot more confident and I don't think it's as obvious anymore but I am naturally an introvert and not keen on being centre of attention (for some reason teaching is different!). I don't want Chloe to be labelled - I want her to be free to discover her personality without anyone implying that certain qualities are to be looked down on. If she is quiet then that is fine (this makes me smile because at the moment she is one of the loudest children I know!). The sort of labels I sometimes use at the moment - usually when she is having a bad day - are: grumpy, naughty, stroppy, pickle, loud, silly, crazy. This list doesn't sound very nice but it is so easy to say these words when you're in an irritable mood! eg - 'Stop touching the tv, you're very naughty', 'don't scream, you're so loud!', 'why are you jumping off the sofa? You are being crazy!' I think these should be avoided because calling your child 'naughty' or any of the others, is putting the thought in their head that they are that quality and limiting their ability to display better behaviour.

What are the values I want to communicate to Chloe then? I want her to know about Jesus and all he has done for her. And I want her to put others before herself. I know this is asking a lot from a toddler but if I keep repeating them enough and try to include those two fundamentals in all we do then she should pick it up quickly enough! I am planning on making a poster / piece of art / wall-hanging for her room which says: JOY - Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last.
I then want to show my love for her by praising godly qualities. So instead of 'You're a beautiful girl', I want to say 'You're a kind, thoughtful girl'. I want to go out of my way to praise behaviour that models Jesus' love eg - sharing food with a friend, helping to pack away toys, being polite and friendly etc.

Of course the best way to communicate values to children is to model them ourselves, so this is my first challenge. I love that being a Mum inspires me to love God more!

Happy families

This is a super quick post, just so you know I haven't given up on my blog! Things are very hectic at present, as my brother-in-law and family are over from the US (with our nephew who is the same age as Chloe; he's so sweet!). Also my parents have just returned from India where they have been living for the last 18 months - hooray! So life is very exciting but busy at the moment. I have hardly been home and now I am, I need to clean and have a bit of a sleep before the madness starts again. Plans for this week include: trip to the Watercress Line (to see Thomas the Tank Engine), a wedding in Brighton, Good Friday lunch with J's family, a 3 day trip to Bedford to see my grandparents and some uni friends coming to visit; phew! Wish me luck :)