Home

Chloe has been ill again so we have been at home a lot the last few days. I had to have my first day off work because no-one else could have her today, which felt very strange - being well myself and missing work. Today we haven't left the house/garden because I didn't feel I could go out when missing work (and Chloe really needed a quiet day at home). Thankfully she seems a lot better so the cabin-fever was worth it!

Being at home has made me think about how much I love making a 'home'. I have always been very happy to be at home and I naturally like to 'nest' and make a place my own. I would say I'm fairly house-proud; I like things tidy-ish and enjoy housework (to an extent!). We own a small two-bedroom house with a garden which goes out the front and round the side (our house is a back-to-back house so we don't have a back garden). Although our house is fairly tiny, I really love it and feel very settled here.

This love of 'home' was once described to me as a foretaste of heaven. Our spirits long for a sense of belonging and security which will one day be fulfilled when we enter our home in heaven. However until then we can create godly homes which are welcoming and comforting.

I think this is true no matter what your situation - renting, owning, lodging with someone else etc. Something I feel strongly about is that our 'perfect' idea of home is not always God's plan for us. Many people now find it difficult to buy their own property and this is often what people aim for before starting a family. I can understand owning a property can offer more stability but I don't necessarily agree that it offers a 'better' environment to raise children. Often it means increased financial pressure and unexpected bills. When we first had Chloe we were staying with my parents and then rented their house whilst they were India. I know many people wouldn't have seen this as an 'ideal' scenario for starting a family but we felt we were ready and in the end it worked out perfectly. This allowed us to save enough money to buy but we also considered renting when we were looking at properties.

I know it's very easy for me to say the above now that we own our own house. But this property is not going to be 'ideal' for long. The second bedroom is only a single (fairly large single) and we only have one reception room and a kitchen downstairs. Because our garden is round the front and side, it has a path running through the front which our neighbours use to get their house so it is not contained. But I love it and we are planning on being here for several years. This will mean when we have a second child they will have to share a fairly small room with Chloe but we will make it work. We will just have to be clever with space!

Something which my pastor said a while ago (I may have mentioned it in a blog before?) was that 'God will meet your needs. But he does not owe you a middle-class lifestyle'. We think we need to own a house, that children need a room each and that our families will be happy with more space. But I doubt this is true and if you feel it is time to start a family or grow your existing family then circumstances should not hold you back x



PS - I am not saying that we should be reckless in planning our families or not sensible when considering practicalities. Just that we shouldn't aim for a 'perfect' home before we feel it's the right time. It may never happen!

Passion!

I love this blog because sometimes I feel really stirred about something or bursting with passion and I don't feel I have any other outlet! Jon or friends will listen to a certain extent but I could go on for hours sometimes so it's nice to have somewhere to put it all in writing.

At the moment I am feeling a brand new passion for parenting and in particular being a sacrificial mum. So very appropriate for this blog! I have been reading about the Scholes family in their blog (see last post) and also another family they mention on their blog who are going through/gone through a child having a terminal illness. It doesn't make for happy reading and I have had to stop myself today because I was getting quite distraught going through these blogs. They are truly amazing because they offer such a godly perspective on illness and death and their enduring faith is very inspiring. But then there are moments when they describe all the little things their child does that they will miss or the happier memories they had together and they just break my heart.

(Side note - on the Parenting Course this week, as a starter, we had to say one good thing about our characters. It's such a hard thing to praise yourself and especially when you are only given a minute to think about it! From nowhere I came up with 'compassionate' and that when people are in pain I really feel it. I hadn't considered this much before but I do think this is true; especially when reading blogs like the ones I have been describing. J was worried something was seriously wrong when he came back from mowing the lawn and found me sobbing on our bed. It all seems so much more poignant having a daughter and thinking about the things that I would most miss if she were to die. I pray that God will help me to use this compassion for good, rather than simply getting myself into a state!)

Anyway... these blogs have SO inspired me about the amazingness (not a real word) of parenthood and how it is such a wonderful sacrifice. You give a huge part of yourself to your child, investing emotions, time, energy, hopes, dreams etc. I love my little girl so intensely and I feel privileged to care for her. If there is anyone out there reading this who is in any doubt about how worthwhile having children is, then please let me tell you that it has brought J and myself so much joy and satisfaction. I can't think of anything which has been more rewarding. I want to put this on my blog because I think it is really important to say these things and to proclaim an enjoyment and a fulfilment through parenthood, which the world hardly ever portrays. It is also something which I think is very hard to portray in church because of fears of hurting those who desperately want children but can't have them (biologically or through circumstance). Parenthood is wonderful and I feel so blessed to be on this amazing adventure.

It has also made me change my mind in the last few days about having only 2 children. I thought I only wanted 2 because that number seemed nice and manageable, especially financially. There was a photo on the Scholes' blog which has really challenged this for me and it was of the 5 children wearing different coloured hoodies but all with the same slogan - 'Team Scholes'. I love this! I can imagine that having a large family must feel like being part of a team. It may be chaos but it's fun chaos! I guess we should have one more and then see how we feel! Watch this space!

An inspirational family - Scholes family

This is a very quick post recommending another blog which a friend recently brought to my attention:

http://fullhands.blogspot.co.uk/

It is about the Scholes family and in particular their son who has a terminal illness. It is heart-breaking to read but at the same time very inspiring and challenging, as their faith in such an awful time is incredible.

Bonding

I have found recently that I find leaving Chloe harder than I used to and I miss her more when I'm away from her. It made me wonder about how the bonds between parents and children change over time. I feel like I can be completely honest in this blog so please don't judge me when I say what I'm about to say! When Chloe was born I found it hard to feel a bond with her straight away. My love for her was absolute and overwhelming from the beginning - that is the part that is objective and not changed by time.

However I have found that my bond with Chloe has changed. At the start I felt almost scared of this new person who had joined our family. I think I was a little taken aback by how much responsibility had suddenly been dropped on my shoulders. I felt such extreme pressure to be a perfect mum for this tiny baby that I didn't spend much time enjoying her. All this meant that I was very happy for lots of people to come and help me/hold her for a while/look after her while I rested. I felt so ill-equipped to care for this little baby that it was no problem others looking after her!

Things have changed over time and now Chloe is a toddler I really feel when she's not here. I worry that someone won't understand her little language or that she will ask for me or, knowing what mischief she can get into, she'll hurt herself. She has also become my friend! I don't know many people who could say that about a baby but now Chloe has grown a bit, I have got used to her company and like to share my day with her.

Chloe stayed overnight at my parents last night and I couldn't help but think ' what's she doing right now?' or 'what will she say when she wakes up at granny and grandpa's?' I love feeling so connected to my little girl!

By the way I do know that it is different for everyone and others will feel an immediate, strong connection with their newborn. For me that didn't happen but I don't think for one minute it has made me a worse mother. I'm wondering whether it will be different second time around when I know more about what I'm doing. I also worry about how a new baby will affect the wonderful bond I have with Chloe and whether I can have the same with a second without the one-on-one time I have had with Chloe. But they aren't questions I have to deal with yet!

I'd love to hear from people reading this blog, especially if you have experience of any of these issues. I think you can choose to comment below and you can remain anonymous if you want!

Talk soon x

Teacher / Parent?

I went to the Parenting Course I've been doing today and had a bit of a revelation! The topic was 'Talking' and how we speak to our children. It's not something I have thought much about really but it really struck me during the session so thought I would share.

The course leaders made the point that we often talk to our children in a very disrespectful way; in a way we would never use with anyone else. E.g. - 'Eat up quickly', 'don't put your coat there', 'come here now'. We then explored better ways of saying things; for example using 'I - messages', which means we say things like 'I feel upset because I don't like it when you hit Mummy'. This helps children to understand why you are giving commands and also shows them you are a real person who has feelings! I found some of the 'I-messages' a little contrived and not very realistic but I did like the general gist of speaking more respectfully to Chloe.

The main revelation I had was that I tend to go into 'teacher - mode' around Chloe. This means that I often order her around and speak to her sternly, trying to 'show her who's boss'. Now I'm writing this I'm cringing, as it makes me sound horrible! The good side of my experience teaching is that I am also very quick to encourage and tell Chloe when she's doing something well. With the ordering around - I think my teaching experience has made me think that I have to be very firm with laying down my expectations so that I don't get walked all over. For some reason I thought this would be the same with my children but it really isn't! I need to be emotionally available to Chloe and be able to share with her and explain things from my point of view, so that she feels the same with me. I can be vulnerable with her!

So my goal for this week is to have more time talking with Chloe and sharing how I feel with her. This hopefully will then gradually affect her actions, as she sees what effects they have.

In sickness and in health...

I was thinking about how it is funny that we have a set of vows that we promise when we get married - like 'in sickness and in health' - but when we have children, we just plunge into it without any of these promises. The commitment to our children will never be quite the same as the special, godly covenant between a husband and wife, but for the time that they are our responsibility, it can feel like a much greater tie. When Chloe is ill, life suddenly becomes a lot more complicated! She currently has a virus which includes a high temperature, sickness, refusing to eat, crying that she 'hurts' and needing lots of cuddles. Plans have to cancelled, emergency dr appointments made (we've been twice in last 2 days!) and early nights planned so that we can cope with the inevitable wake-ups during the night.

As well as this, as a mum I just don't feel right when Chloe is ill. J gave me the opportunity to go out last night as originally planned but I couldn't do it! I am normally fine at having time away from my daughter but when she is ill it's a different story. I need to be there for her if she needs me. I feel so protective and angry that she has to go through such horrible pain and distress. It's a cliche but I do wish I could go through it for her! Is this what Jesus felt about us when he died on the cross in our place? Obviously to a much greater extent! Thank you Lord, for loving me so much.

I'm praying Chloe gets better very soon x

Funny things Chloe says

I thought it would be nice to record the funny things Chloe is saying at the moment. I have been amazed at how quick language acquisition is once children start. Chloe says something new every day - no exaggeration. She is very keen to copy everything we say and will ask if she's unsure what something is.
So here are the more amusing things she comes out with:
 'baddy' - this is her name for Granny! (my mum)
'mo-mo' - Michael
'Si- Si' - Simon
'abo de sty' - this is Chloe's version of 'up above the world do high' from twinkle twinkle.
 'what's this?' - anything she hasn't seen before!
 'tenna' - her current name for herself!
 'chocolate cake' - anything which is brown is now chocolate cake.
 'sorry Jess' - anytime Chloe gets close to my parents' dog, she says sorry for stepping on her, before she does it.
'mummy's go' - even when it's down a kiddie's slide!
 'ready...go' - her favourite game, running everywhere.
 'show me show me' - favourite tv programme
 'ahhh buggy' - hugging her buggy!
 I'm sure I've forgotten loads but that's all I can remember for now.