Hospital part 2

Being in hospital for a long period of time is such a strange thing. I have talked about this before in a post about when Livia was born and we were in for 6 days. You definitely don't want to be in hospital, and yet it becomes quite a comforting place. It's when I'm not here that I get the most worried and upset about Chloe.

There are really rubbish bits, like all the tests and unpleasant things Chloe is having to go through (catheters, cannulas, CT scans, X-rays, tubes up her nose etc). The nurses' rounds in the night, especially when you get someone who doesn't try to be quiet, mean lots of broken sleep. But generally I associate hospitals with lots of people working to get my little girl better. You get into a routine - doctors' round in the morning, tests around lunchtime, the mealtimes, J or I nipping to the shops to buy food for us (you can't heat food up that isn't from a shop, boo) and then settling in for the night once Chloe is sleeping. It's not home and we're not together but it's not all terrible. 

What I found the worst stage of this whole saga was when Chloe was poorly at home. We had been to A&E and had been told it was a virus and to go to the GP if the temperature continued after 48 hours. I then had a horrible two days of doubt; I was sure there was something more wrong with her because she did not want to watch tv or talk to me or even get out of bed. But I also didn't want to be 'that parent' who always rushes to A&E! The worry of whether I was doing the right thing has now gone and I can put the decision-making in the hands of the doctors. It's such a relief.

There's not much progress to report, other than the drain has now been removed. The infection in the lung still seems bad but we're having another X-ray this afternoon which will tell us more. I will keep you updated.

Christmas in hospital

We have spent nearly a full week now in hospital with Chloe, who has pneumonia in one of her lungs. It has progressed from half a lung, to a whole lung and now she also has a significant infection in the pleural fluid which surround the lung. I'm writing this from the hospital canteen as we wait for her to come out of surgery to have this fluid drained (and a drain will be left in over the next couple of days). All of this has happened over Christmas and sadly both sides of our families have had quite subdued celebrations.

We have had a few good moments, like bringing Livia to the hospital on Christmas morning to open stockings. It was so lovely to see how happy both girls were to see each other. Chloe has had better moments too, when she has visited the play room and made various things. We managed to have a few hours day release on Christmas Eve to visit my in-laws.

Unfortunately Chloe has gone downhill since then and we have moved to a specialist hospital in London. It is scary to see the child you know disappear from view for a while, especially when she has a fever. Chloe seems to cope by becoming very withdrawn; not talking or smiling. It's been hard work trying to be encouraging and happy around her when both J and I are feeling worried or stressed.

We have had a great deal of support from friends and family which has been great. I've really welcomed people sending me verses or words they've had for us, because I'm finding it difficult to focus on praying or hearing from God. I'm thankful that God understands this and is speaking to others for me. One picture that I keep having, is of angels guarding Chloe's bedside. When I'm feeling helpless, it's comforting to know that God is a very present help in the darkness. This verse has spoken to me in particular:

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."

 Matthew 18:10

I know that God loves my little Chloe and I can trust him.

Hope

Hiya. I'm sorry for being a bit quiet recently. We've had a difficult couple of days in several ways. I haven't had time to post anything meaningful or interesting. So this evening I'm just going to share a verse I have been finding helpful through struggles.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.  Psalms 43:5

Difficult times are a fact of life and I know it won't be long before it's plain sailing again. Until then, I will tell myself that it's no use being 'in turmoil' because I shall again see God's goodness very soon. 

Thank you Jesus for being the hope of the world; my hope. I will trust in you.

A fun week!

This week has been super busy. We have had something exciting and Christmassy on everyday! Here's what's been happening:

Monday - travelling back from the wedding in Sheffield and visiting my grandparents (always lovely).

Tuesday - I went into school on my day off for the Christmas dinner and disco.

Wednesday - The last day of term at my school and a big carol service.

Thursday - we went to the pantomime with Chloe and her school. Highlights were: Chloe ditching us to dance with her friends (so nice to see her giggling and chatting away) and Chloe turning to me during the performance and saying, 'I wish Livia was here.' Made me melt!

Friday - Chloe's nativity at school. It was a really lovely play with a strong focus on Jesus and fun for the children. Chloe took her singing very seriously but spent most of the performance looking around at everyone else!

Saturday - We took the girls to a Santa's Grotto at a wine estate. It was great, with a train ride up into the vineyards and a visit to the grotto where they got some fab gifts. I know some Christian parents aren't that keen on visiting Santa but I feel we are balancing it out well with the true meaning of Christmas. Chloe's been making up her own songs about Mary and Jospeh so I feel it must be going in!

Sunday - Today Chloe was in another 'play' (well, more of a reading) at church. She was an angel and insisted on wearing her halo even though no one else was dressing up! It's a shame she missed her line, as she'd learnt it so well!

Something else I wanted to quickly mention was that this afternoon I went horse-riding for the first time in about 10 years. It used to be something I was really passionate about (and got quite good at!) and I have always felt sad that I gave up. I wondered about trying it again but it always felt a little frivolous to do something which is quite expensive for myself (especially as Chloe would love to learn). But J encouraged me to book a lesson for my birthday and I LOVED it. I think perhaps it's good to do something for yourself as a mum and a hobby is definitely not a bad thing.

I hope you are all having a lovely run-up to Christmas. 

Hotel stay arrgghh!

*** I've only just realised this didn't upload on Sunday, grrrr. Uploading it now but it was written at the weekend.***

This weekend we are up in Sheffield for a family wedding. There is no way we could have done it in a day and we want to be able to stay for the evening party, so it means an overnight stay in a Premier Inn. Thankfully these hotels are very family friendly and the family rooms are more than big enough for our little family. Unfortunately it means all of us in one room and, no matter how much space that gives us, it means two over-excited, noisy children who don't want to sleep!

Last night Chloe stayed awake until around 10 and Livia was almost as bad, not sleeping until gone 9. It also means that J and I are stuck reading in half-light and in silence - fun!! 

It is nice to go away as a family however and we have had some lovely moments, like all watching Strictly Come Dancing together on our bed. Oh and the all you can eat breakfast this morning was enjoyed by all! I'm hoping for a better night's sleep after the wedding tonight. I'm sure the fun of dancing and seeing everyone will wear us all out.

(PS - in case anyone is curious, Chloe has permission to miss school on Monday because of the wedding. We aren't being rebels!)

Thankfulness

I have mentioned the devotional I have been using this year several times recently... and here I go again! A theme which I have noticed is repeated over and over in my readings is cultivating an attitude of constant thankfulness. The readings make the point that thankfulness, even sometimes when it's really difficult to feel thankful, helps to keep everything in perspective. At the moment I'm finding that so helpful.

I have found recently that discontent can very easily sneak into my head. It will either be discontent over my friendships, which makes me feel insecure or resentful. Or discontent over our financial or material situation; eg - how have they been able to avoid such a big house in Surrey! Or discontent over family issues; eg - why are my parents far away?/why is my child struggling with school?

It is so easy to get stuck in a negative rut, where discontent poisons all the blessings in your life. Therefore, everyday I am trying to be constantly thankful throughout the day. So I thank God today for a nice chat with mums at the school gates and then for being able to see church mums at toddler group. I also thank God for precious time with Livia and a sit down whilst she naps. I am thankful that our house is looking so cosy and twinkly with our Christmas decorations up. And I am thankful that J has a day off tomorrow for my birthday.

I am SO blessed and I will not give in to the lies that I have anything to feel discontented about. I will fight back with truth.

'but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. ' Psalms 34:10

Autumn love

I'm really enjoying autumn today. I love the bright, orangey, low-lying sun. The light at this time of year is so nice. And the way it lights up the leaves on the trees: love love love. I actually really enjoy it getting dark early. I like getting home and putting the lights and the heating on and snuggling down for the evening. I like seeing the Christmas lights going on and the shop lights spilling out onto the streets. 

Bed

Don't you love that feeling when you crawl into bed and under the covers and your body feels like it's sinking into the mattress? When you feel all heavy and like you're already tipping towards sleep the moment your head hits the pillow. And the knowledge that the day is done and you can now rest! Ahh I love it so much.

Night night x

Shy?

I'm feeling a bit sad today. I feel like the little girl I knew from the summer has really changed and I'm not sure in a good way. I was always secretly pleased and proud that Chloe was the sort of girl to confidently go into any situation. She would talk to grown-up she didn't know; she would make friends with children at the park; I remember sharing with you about her first ballet lesson when she wouldn't let any of the others get a word in edgeways. Now I feel like that little girl has almost gone.

We went to a party at the weekend for one of her school friends and nearly the whole class was there too. They had hired an older male entertainer for the party. He was teasing the children (and parents too!) and doing things like whacking them on the head with a plastic mallet. Chloe was not keen at all; I had to drag her inside and then she wouldn't leave my side for the first half of the party. Eventually I persuaded her when I went off to get a cup of tea but she still wouldn't dance around as freely as the other children and looked quite awkward in the middle of it all. 

I tried to chat the other mums and not make a big deal of it but inside my heart was fluttering for her. I don't feel like I know this girl who feels so vulnerable. It makes me tearful to think about her looking so uncomfortable. If it is her personality to be shy or a bit withdrawn, then of course I love her, no matter what. I always want her to know that she can be herself and I won't pressure her to be anyone else. But if there is something making her feel scared or nervous or self-conscious then that's not a good thing. 

I feel a bit helpless and unsure how to encourage her. I didn't know at the party if I should try tough love or if I should indulge her knowing that she truly didn't want to join in. I'm also aware that I am probably overreacting once again and I just need to relax and realise it's only been a few months since she started school. Again, I am thankful to my Heavenly Father as he watches over Chloe in everything she does and can give her confidence and peace in new situations. 

What people like about me

Part of Chloe's homework this week was for PSHE. We had to help the children fill in a sheet with questions about themselves. The first question was: 'what do people like about you and what I like about myself.' I was intrigued to see what Chloe would say and decided to chat about it over dinner (as this was the only chance I was going to get!).

Chloe took a while to answer but eventually said 'my colourful summer dresses.' I smiled and nodded and asked if there was anything else. She said, 'and my coat' (a girl in Chloe's class recently said she liked her coat and since then, she's been mad on it!). I pushed again but still got only clothes!

When I explained that the question meant more the way she acts or the way she is, rather than how she looks, Chloe came up with some nice things. Like the way she makes pretty pictures for people. Or invites people to her house. They weren't really attributes, more acts of kindness.

This got me thinking; should I be concerned about Chloe immediately suggesting that it was her physical appearance which people liked about her? In previous posts, I have mentioned that I try to comment on her personality and praise her with specific aspects of her behaviour, rather than always saying  that she's 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous'. I've often told her that she's good at sharing or kind or clever. But it seem that it's the 'pretty' comments that have stuck!

I'm not too worried. I figure that it's more because children don't think in terms of abstract concepts. It is easier for them to think of things they do for others or which they own. But I will step up the efforts to reward behaviour and aspects of her personality, instead of putting emphasis on appearance. To me this seems like such an important grounding!

Outcomes

There was a really good message in my devotional a couple of days ago and it's stuck with me so I'm going to share it. It was all about leaving outcomes up to God and not being so concerned with how things will turn out. Instead changing our focus towards the journey and being excited about how God will reveal himself through the difficulties and trials being faced.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! 

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

Psalms 27:13-14

There's something inspiring about being excited in the waiting. It's such a worldy thing to worry and stress about the present. And it's so novel to throw off thinking about outcomes and concentrate on just living in the moment. The last few days have been a bit testing for us, as a few concerns have been raised about our planned extension. They may mean more waiting and cost or they may mean not being able to do it. It's disappointing, well more than disappointing because we only bought this house as it had the potential to extend (the neighbours have all done it!). Anyway, I'm not going to be in constant fear about the outcome. God knows and that's enough.

Responsibilities

I'm beginning to realise the new responsibilities that come with having a child at primary school. Suddenly there is a PTA to support, letters to reply to in time, events at school to remember and arranging play dates. There is also practising the letter that is set each day (homework). Trying to fit this in after school when everyone is a bit tired and grumpy and dinner needs cooking etc is hard! I can't imagine what it will be like with 'proper homework'!

We had Chloe's parents' evening this week and all went well! We were able to discuss the few worries we had about friendships in the class and the teachers gave us a few targets for Chloe. These were things we can practice at home, including writing her numbers and recognising letters in words. It was so nice to see what she has been doing this year and hearing from the teachers the progress she's making. However it is a little daunting being given targets for her and knowing that we have a responsibility to help her be prepared for lessons at school, by doing work at home. It's not a big task really but I want to get it right! How do parents manage to keep track of 4+ children when they're all at school? 

Anyway, I'm feeling so happy about how Chloe is progressing and thankfully she has a natural interest in letters (and pleasing her teachers!). 

Starting out

This morning I was standing doing the washing up (which should have been done the night before). We hadn't had the best start to the day; Chloe started calling for us at half 6 (it's a Saturday) and then wouldn't stay quiet, which then woke her sister. We didn't handle it particularly well either. So I was feeling a bit grumpy, as I tried to scrub the dried on food from the plates from the night before.

To make things more interesting I thought I would put on some worship songs. In enjoying Jesus Culture songs at the moment. I was listening and singing along a bit and then I noticed out of the window some movement. At the end of our garden in the train line, but before you get to that there is a steep slope with lots of tall trees (if you couldn't hear the trains, you can imagine it's just forest beyond). The movement was two squirrels jumping in the trees beyond our garden. They were chasing each other up and down, leaping impressive distances and only just catching the next branches.

It was an unexpected moment when you feel God's presence. I am such a believer of God revealing himself in nature and having that special couple of minutes, listening to truth about God and watching his creation, makes me feel 'back on track' for the rest of the day. Very thankful for it!

2 little girls

Livia seems to be much more of a little girl all of a sudden. This morning we have been playing play dough; something which a few months before she would not have understood at all. She 'gets' pretend play now and can join in a bit with Chloe's games. Earlier they being giraffes and tigers and crawling around the sitting room.

We went to the farm yesterday with some friends. The last time we went to the farm Livia tried to eat the animal feed and wouldn't give it to the goats/sheep etc. but yesterday she understood what she had to do and really enjoyed feeding them. So far the girls seem to have similar interests, both loving animals.

Livia also seems to have her sister's daredevil nature, trying to follow her on all the big slides at the farm's soft play. This does make it quite hard work, having to constantly run after her. She will just charge away with no worries about where I am! I was quite jealous of my friend having a nice cuddle with her daughter whilst Livia squirmed on my lap trying to get away.

I love seeing her personality developing and I have benefited a lot from the one-on-one time I get whilst Chloe is at school. Livia can be such a pickle but I love her sparkly, fun-loving personality and wouldn't change her for the world.

Some funny Livia-isms:

-J has taught her the song 'Boom boom boom, shake the room.' She will say 'Shake shake shake' when he says 'Boom'!

- She thinks horses say 'yee ha!' because of Chloe's Sheriff Callie programme.

- Livia loves her reflection in the mirror and is constantly kissing herself.

- When Livia has a dirty nappy, she will come and say 'poo-ah!'

- She still says 'no' to every question you ask her. 

- If she is in the kitchen without me, she will raid the fridge. She either rearranges the shelves or helps herself to food. Last time she started chewing on a block of Parmesan!

Friendships... Again

I have a feeling I'm going to be writing about friendships a lot! This subject has been on my mind, as Chloe is still getting used to navigating the mindfield that seems to be little girls' relationships. 

On Friday Chloe came home with a sheet of paper where she had asked her friends to write their names down to create a list of people who could come to her party. On first glance I thought this was really cute and ingenious, however I got suspicious when another mum from the school put a picture of a similar list which her daughter had also come home with. I questioned Chloe further and it turns out quite a few girls in the class were doing this. I couldn't help but also notice that Chloe's name was missing from the other girl's list.

I ended up sending a message to the other mum and asking her whether she was at all concerned that the girls in the class might be using these lists to select people they like and not allow others onto the list. The other mum wasn't too worried, as they are just establishing friendships. She has an older daughter too, so perhaps is used to these things going on. (Just to clarify, I was in no way saying 'why isn't my daughter on your daughter's list?!')

It made me think that friendships by nature are quite 'exclusive'. When a child says that this person is their 'friend', they are choosing to spend time with them above being with others. When I think about myself, I can see how my closest friends are people who I feel safe and comfortable with, people who share my interests and who I enjoy their company. There's nothing wrong with this and maybe I shouldn't get worried when Chloe says that a certain person at school doesn't want to be her friend; there will be plenty of others who do want to spend time with her.

I have encouraged Chloe to be friendly with everyone and to allow lots of people 'onto her list'. I hope she won't become someone who has the sorts of friendships that exclude others. But I am also going to try to back off a bit and not concern myself too much with the friendship making process, unless she seems upset about it. As before, I am going to pray and trust that this is most effective thing that I can do.

Joy in His presence

I read this in my 'Jesus Calling' daily devotionals book this evening...

'As you turn your attention to Me, feel the light of My presence shining upon you. Open you heart and mind to receive My heavenly smile of approval. Let my gold-tinged love wash over you and soak into the depths of your being... I suffuse your soul with joy in My presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forever-more.'

I really benefited from meditating on these words this evening. Today has been a day of feeling not quite good enough and probably being too critical of myself. This has been a great reminder of God's acceptance and the joy of resting in His love.

('Jesus Calling' is written by Sarah Young and is a record of words she received during times of listening to God and waiting in His presence. I've been working through it each day this year and have found it really helpful).

Feeling content

A positive post from me today 😊 Today is one of those days when everything feels like it's going 'right'. Chloe skipped into school with no issues, I had a few brief conversations with the mums at the school gates, I then headed over to where I was going to a toddler group with some friends from church. I managed to do a bit of browsing round the shops, as I was a bit early, and then had a lovely time at the group,chatting with friends whilst Livia enjoyed playing.

The sun is out, the leaves are pretty colours and I'm loving autumn. Now, I'm having a sit down with a cup of tea whilst Livia sleeps. Nice.

I love how God is so gentle with us and gives us lessons to learn through difficult times but then also leads us through 'green pastures' too. It's sometimes hard to keep my eyes looking up when life gets a bit complicated and busy. I'm going to make sure I spend more time 'looking up' during these relaxing weeks, so that I'm well rested in him before term start again.

Half term thoughts

I'm currently snuggled up in bed, having just drunk a late night chai latte and watched Friday night comedy tv with J all evening. I'm feeling all peaceful and happy because I've reached half term, hooray! (Not state school half term yet so Chloe is still at school next week).

It's a particularly good feeling because I was quite anxious about how this school year was going to go: new classes, longer hours, more responsibilities, new childcare arrangements and Chloe at school. But it's silly really because I do this every year and God has never failed me. It has all worked perfectly and, although work is really hectic and I am having to work a lot of evenings, I still enjoy it and it still fits in with family life.

I wanted to share with you something I am really enjoying at the moment and that is Chloe's new found love for letters and words. She was never very excited about learning them before school but now she loves it. She will find letters she recognises in books, will spend an hour drawing pictures of things that begin with each sound (which she received a house point for, proud mummy moment) and this evening she read her first word, h-a-t! I know this doesn't make her a literary genius and some others her age have been doing this for a while but I am SO proud and excited for her. I love how passionate she is about it and quite amazed at how much she has learnt on a few weeks. 

That's enough boasting. In it all I am so thankful that God has turned round Chloe's experience of school from a few weeks ago and she is now enjoying it again. Thank you Father.

Ephesians 3:20-22

20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,

21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Games evening!

I wanted to share about something that I did with Chloe this evening. We'd had a bit of fractious day; she was being stubborn and argumentative and I didn't have much grace to deal with it. I had promised I would play with her during Livia's nap time but she ended up having a sleep too! So by the time dinner came around, I didn't feel like I'd had any decent time with her at all. So, spur of the moment, I told her that she could stay up after Livia went to bed and we could play a game together.

This might be something completely normal in other houses, but I am usually very reluctant to give up my special grown-up time in the evenings. So Chloe was thrilled about this, much more than I thought she would be. She started planning what we could do, what snacks we could eat and which teddies she wanted to bring downstairs with her.

I ended up teaching her how to play Uno, which is something that would be impossible with Livia around. It was nice to interact with her in a more mature way. You can really see her change when you give her intense attention. Suddenly everything is 'I love you mummy', 'you're the best mummy!' Nicer then the 'you're a horrid mummy' which I got when we were shopping earlier (ha!). I also learnt a bit more about some games she'd played with friends at school which naturally came into the conversation; much better than forcing it out of her at the school gates.

I'm definitely going to do this more often!

A home - the small things

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I often find it hard to be satisfied when I'm at home a lot. There's always a project that I want done, especially after moving into a house that needs some work. Currently the list is very long: a blind in the sitting room, upcycling/replacing the kitchen, finishing off the painting in the sitting room, putting up pictures, ripping out the electric fire, stripping wallpaper from the stairs and painting, buying a house sign and painting the door, a curtain for the front door (it leads into the sitting room and can be chilly) etc etc etc! 

Oh dear that makes me sound very ungrateful. But I do love our home and just want to make it feel even more like 'ours'. I'm learning that sometimes you have to accept the way things are and that it takes years to do all the jobs you want. And you will  probably never finish! 

So I'm writing this post to describe the little things we have done which are not completely transforming but have helped to make this feel like a home. I love that we have now painted the chimney breast in the sitting room, it makes the room so much more interesting. They've died now but I really enjoyed having some fresh flowers from a special friend in our kitchen. I love the chalk board for recording the letters Siena's learning each week and our calendar on the bathroom door. I really like the plate rack in the kitchen which gives it more character. I love the blue cushions on the deep windowsill in our bedroom.

That's better :) It feels good to feel thankful for how far we've made this house a home. It's definitely something I need to do more often!

Friendships

The last week has been an emotional one. Chloe continued to feel a bit funny about school. It came out at the start of last week that she was having a few issues with children in her class. I want to tread lightly with recording this in the blog because Chloe's getting to the age where she might object to me revealing all about her relationships etc. Also I don't really want to discuss other people's children. So let's just say Chloe had a couple of girls not wanting to play with her or 'be her friend'.

As a mum this can be pretty heart-breaking. You think the world of your child and can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to befriend them. You want to protect them and defend them, even when you know this is probably a battle they need to fight themselves. So I prayed and I shared with a few other Christian mums and they prayed too (thank you ladies). Oh, I should also mention that I did make the teacher aware that Chloe was having friendship problems without going into detail.

God is so amazing. I'm writing this post after a week of Chloe progressively getting happier to be at school. She reports that the two girls are now friends with her again and she has made another friend who has invited her to a party. I'm sure this won't be the last friendship problem we have (definitely a little girl thing!). But I feel more confident about tackling it now and not projecting any old feelings of rejection I may have hung onto from my school days! God will go before her into school and watch over her. I pray for lots of helpful and strong friendships.

Playing together

I think a challenging aspect of parenting which seems to only get more difficult, is finding quality time to spend with children. I don't mean going exciting places together (soft play, swimming, days out) but just playing together at home. Chloe is constantly asking me 'Will you play with me?' I also am very aware that I haven't been as good at sitting down with Livia, as I was when Chloe was that age.

It is true that life has changed and a lot of the time, I just can't. There's washing, meals, shopping, life admin and errands to run. Now I am working 3 days a week, most of those jobs are packed into the other 2 days of the working week. I am also tired and sometimes need a sit down! I can reason that it's good for the girls to get used to playing by themselves.

But if I get into a pattern of not sitting and playing something they have chosen to play (even it involves crawling around the floor as a dog), I really notice the change in our relationship. Like it or not, I give out the message that I'm not interested in them. Our relationship becomes a series of instructions and a few questions: what did you do at school? Did you play with anyone new? Did you like your lunch? I'm very unlikely to get a response. 

Behaviour starts to deteriorate as the girls try other ways at getting my attention. Often when Chloe gets into whiny, stroppy mode, I am tempted to give her a time out in her room to calm down. I am starting to realise that this is not the right response to a little girl who is simply craving some quality time with mummy.

When I do make time for the girls, strange things happen, like Chloe suddenly telling me all about a game she played in the playground or a new song she's learnt ('please and thank you, we must say!'). I get to see into her mind a little more. I also learn things about Livia I didn't know, such as the fact that she can copy her sister's ballet moves or that she really enjoys playing mums and babies.

These times are so precious and fun, and yet I still say, 'mummy's busy', so often when Chloe asks to play. I needed to write this down so that I am reminded more that I must make playing together a priority. It makes life so much easier and our family so much happier.

Don't leave me.

I think we might have hit a bit of a wall this weekend. Chloe has trotted off to school for the last few weeks with very little fuss. She has started at the breakfast club a couple of morning a week and has been round a friend's house when I couldn't pick her up because of work commitments. She was tackling it all in her usual confident way until the end of last week.

On Friday I took Chloe to a ballet class which she has just begun (but went to a few taster classes last term and loved it). When it came to leaving her in the room, she clung to my leg and point blank refused to let me go. I had to stay in the room and Chloe wouldn't leave my side, dissolving into tears when she was encouraged into the circle of other girls. It was really unnerving for me, as I'm just not used to dealing with a 'clingy' child (not keen on that word, as it I feel it demeans how the child is feeling. But you know what I mean). 

I wondered if it was to do with the ballet lesson and whether something negative happened last week. However the same thing happened when we came to leave her at Children's Work at church. This was even more surprising, as we've been leaving her in crèche/children's work at church since she was only 6ish months old.

Again, at school this morning, Chloe dug her heels in and refused to budge when I encouraged her to go into the classroom.  She begged me 'not to leave' her and it was so sad to see the tears in her eyes. The teaching assistants helped but I think they have a tactic of not fussing too much and being quite matter-of-fact, which can feel a little unsympathetic. I watched her walk into the cloakroom and then forced myself to leave before I made it harder.

A few hours later I had a call from the school to say that Chloe had developed a temperature and was refusing to eat and saying she felt poorly. I quickly picked her up and she's had a duvet afternoon. 

There's no denying she is sick, as she is burning up and shivery. I am really hoping that the 'clingy-ness' was because of going down with something. It is very hard to leave your child somewhere when you know they just want you. I think the basic mother instinct is to want to protect and cuddle when your child is feeling vulnerable. Chloe has also made a few comments about worrying what other children think of her which breaks my heart a little. This change is hard! 

In not really knowing how to handle this new school-stage and all it's challenges, I am so pleased that I can trust my great big God to deal with it. He has Chloe safe when she is at school and will put good people around her. I am especially thankful for two lovely friends she has at school, especially the friend she visited last week. I treasure up these positive thoughts and remind myself of then when worry starts to creep in. 

Hopefully Chloe will be well enough to go back tomorrow.

School run

(Some very quick reflections on the morning school run. Written in haste, so don't judge too harshly 😊 )

The alarm calling everyone from sleep;

Gratefully gulping down hot tea,

Encouraging breakfast into sleepy mouths.

Arms pushing into the wrong holes;

Saying, 'the logo at the front!'

Jumping in and out of showers,

Clinging hair left damp on shoulders.

Checking, rechecking: bottle, book-bag;

Worrying, is there anything else?

Rushing out, hurrying, through the uniforms, the pushchairs, the gossiping.

Then, dress flying, heels kicking,

Quick kissing and waving,

See you later, little one.

First days

Hi guys. I want to be honest with you and say that in finding it quite tricky to blog at the moment. Work, house stuff, being a mummy/wife and getting used to Chloe being at school is taking it's toll. But I love this blog and I know I will regret not recording these things so I'm going to persevere! However I do apologise if the posts are a little less frequent than normal.

Anyhoo, on with talking about our exciting week. Chloe started school on Tuesday; it was just afternoons this week with half the children who will be in her class. She was so on edge all morning, really excited and hyper; it was almost a shame we had to wait until 12.30! Somehow it still ended up being a rush, giving her lunch and then changing her into the uniform and taking photos. I managed to forget her wellies, which she needs for the sandpit, and had to make a U-turn and come back home.

I'm so happy that J managed to get a half day at work so we could meet him by the school and take Chloe in together. We took some more photos outside the school and then queued up with everyone else to go into the classroom. As we went in, the headteacher was standing outside and welcomed us, which was really nice. Siena put a name tag on and found her coat peg (with her name and picture of a dog!), tucking her wellies under the bench. The teaching assistant who came to our house on Monday then took her hand and we kissed her goodbye. And then she disappeared into the classroom! I got a bit tearful, especially when I saw some of the mums crying. It just felt such a momentous moment. It was nice to have J holding my hand :)

The rest of the week has gone smoothly. Chloe has been perfectly happy going in to school each time and we have heard snippets of what she has been up to. The only wobble she's had was one evening when she was upset about having a little accident at school (thankfully nothing anyone would notice) because the teacher had said 'no more questions' and she thought that meant she couldn't ask to go to the toilet. But since then she has informed me that she has used the toilet at school, so hopefully it won't be so much of an issue now.

The main things I'm finding slightly difficult about school, is the not-knowing. I wish I could have a complete itinerary of what she has been up to or be a fly on the wall. There is the option to go in and help eventually, but that will be tricky with Livia. I want to know who her friends are, what she enjoys doing, if anything happened which upset her etc. But I am also very conscious of not asking too many questions and having the classics, 'So what did you do at school today?' 'Nothing' conversations.

I am also feeling slightly awkward at the school gates. I want to get to know the other mums but it can be tricky when you have this limited time before the children come out and some of them know each other from having older children/other connections. I know a couple of people from preschool but not very well. I'm trying not to make too much of it, as this is Chloe's new experience and it's not about me. But it would be great to get to know some of the other mums, so this is a prayer point for me.

Overall I'm so glad this first week has been a positive experience. Chloe has been so brave and enthusiastic. I'm so very proud of her and excited to see what adventures she has at school.

Wobbles

A funny thing happened yesterday. I was scrolling through Facebook and one of my friends had 'liked' a poem about starting school. It was one of those very soppy, emotional poems that seem to be so popular on Facebook (not normally something I would bother with!). But because it was to do with school, I thought I'd have a read. Halfway through and I had tears streaming down my face! J was completely bemused (and found it a little funny!) when I had to have a cuddle at the end, full on crying at this point!

I have been fairly laid back about Chloe starting school. I'm sure that's probably come across in the blog. I'm not naturally a 'clingy' mum. I'm quite happy to put my trust in others to look after my girls and believe it's good to have time apart sometimes. I also love education and can't wait to see how Chloe explores her potential and grows through school. However this poem made me think about things which I hadn't dwelt on before. It was written addressed to the teacher and asked questions like: who will cuddle her when she's sad? Who will help her when she can't cut up her food? Who will patiently explain when she doesn't understand? Who will listen to her when someone has been mean? (As a side note, this really challenged me as a teacher too. Especially as we have so many boarders who have no parents around).

It really struck me that Chloe is going to have to be a lot more independent. She won't have me there to keep her company and watch out for her all day. There are going to be another 29 children all in the same position as her and it will be impossible for her teacher/teaching assistants to give her the same attention I have been able to give her. The thought of her feeling upset or confused and not being there to help is a really sad one!

Anyway, that was last night. Since then we've had our home visit with her teacher and a teaching assistant. I did mention a few of these worries and her teacher was so reassuring. They were both lovely and I fully trust them to care for Chloe. Although it's hard to let go a little sometimes, I know that Chloe will learn good lessons through sorting out her own problems sometimes or needing to wait for help. I cannot and should not protect her from these things forever.

Most importantly I know that God is going with her into school. I'm going to make sure we pray together before her first session tomorrow. I feel reassured that Chloe has a strong belief in God protecting her.

Looking forward to tomorrow, eek!

(Photo shows the cakes Chloe made for her teachers for the home visit!)

School!

Ok so we have definitely been feeling that 'back to school' time of year in our house. I started back teaching this week and Chloe begins her first year in reception next week (ohmygoodness). We've been rushing round buying everything she'll need and organising the last minute practicalities of her being in part time to start.

My return to work this week has been quite exhausting and a little stressful. I had to go in for an extra day for inset, so that now takes me to four days. It has felt like a lot of time away from my babies and I'm not keen to do it too often! The good points have been lovely classes and nice catching up with friends. But generally I'm not keen on the start of the year. I much prefer work when I'm settled and know what I'm doing. For example a large part of one of my classes today was a video and questions relating to it. But could I work the sound in a new classroom?? No. Thankfully the girls I teach are much better at technology than me and got it going eventually. Phew.

I'm very excited to report back to you after Chloe's first days at school. She is really looking forward to it and so I just want it to hurry up now! I love seeing her embarking on new adventures.

We're in!

****I thought I had published this post a few weeks ago when we first got into the new house but I've just discovered it failed to work. Sorry if you thought I'd gone quiet!***

Another one of those quick posts where I don't really have time to write much but want to let you know the news :) We're in the new house and things are slowly taking shape. The move itself went quite smoothly - the new house was not cleaned which was a bit upsetting but generally in an ok condition. The main thing which bothered me is that it smelt of cigarette smoke which was not very noticeable when we viewed it. But with lots of scrubbing the walls with water and vinegar and keeping the windows open, I think it's starting to go. There are also other annoying little things that need fixing/cleaning/replacing but we always knew this would be sort of a project. I am still very thankful for this move.

Things I'm enjoying: a lovely, big, enclosed garden, a bigger room for the girls and making the house homely. I do still feel a bit wobbly when I think about never going back to the old house and im not sure this feels like 'home' yet. But I hope we'll get there soon.

Thinking and praying for my friends who have difficult house situations and who would love to own their home. God is such an amazing provider. 

A choice

Today it was that time again to say goodbye to my parents, as they fly back to India. I don't think it gets easier. I still wish they were here all of the time (whilst being very proud of what they're doing out there too). It's been such a special summer with them too! So I've been thinking about today with a heavy heart.

We met my grandparents at a restaurant between our two towns, about an hour away, with both my brothers for a meal. It was a lovely way to get everyone together before saying goodbye.

Despite feeling really nervous in the car before the moment of 'goodbye', I'm ok. It still hurts but I was sort of on the edge of getting upset and decided to choose not to give in. I could be miserable the rest of the evening and take it out on J and the girls. But that's not fair and it doesn't help anyone. Instead I've prayed, listened to some worship songs and put it back into perspective. As God gives me peace, He's reminded me that mum and dad have gone out so that more people can experience that relationship with God. It helps a lot.

I have so many wonderful memories from their visit and Christmas is not far away!

'One thing God has spoken...'

Psalm 62:11-12

One thing God has spoken,
    two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
12     and with you, Lord, is unfailing love."

Our life has continued it's crazy busy-ness of the summer with a church camp down in Devon. I blogged about it last year (sorry I'm too lazy to add in links) and I would say this year was even better. I think last year I was still a little shaky after the PND and found it difficult to be around people all the time. But this year I really enjoyed being a community with my church and felt I had enough 'head space' for letting God speak to me.

I felt challenged by lots of things but the talk which most struck me was by a guy called Phil Moore on praying through the Psalms. I have been having a quiet time (almost) every day but, to be honest, I've not been making much time for God and just reading a few verses of the Bible and then rattling off a list of things I'd like God to help me with. Not a great relationship really. 

I feel very inspired by Phil's advice to start with the Bible (especially Psalms) and read until you feel inspired to pray. You'll then pray about God and pray His way, instead of shopping list prayers. I am going to make a conscious effort to put this into practice. I also think I'll have to do this without J in the room because I concentrate so much better by myself and praying out loud, with no-one there to hear. I'm still working out the practicalities of when I'll manage this! It can be difficult to find a good time with little ones, whose wake-up times vary so much. But I'm determined not to make it an excuse.

The verse at the start of this post was one which Phil picked up on. He said that the Psalms can teach you how to pray even in difficult circumstances. The Psalmist often pours out his anger and confusion to God over troubles he is facing. But he still gives glory to God. In Psalm 62:11-12, he says that God is both strong and loving. In tragedy and hardships we can doubt whether God can intercede for us or whether He cares enough. These verses say that God is both strong and loving and these two truths are really one. I love this, and will definitely hold onto it when things get tough. I hope you'll find it helpful too.

Dust!

We had such a lovely time away in Cornwall. I can't believe that it is well over a week since I wrote saying we were on our way there. Although it was a bit mad going away just before moving house, it was nice to be forced to take a break from planning the move and packing. All we did was play on the beach, explore caves/rock pools, look around cute, Cornish towns, have meals together, watch films and read books. I also had quite a bit of head space to work in my novel. Lovely.

Now I've returned to a whirlwind of boxes, clutter, sorting things for the charity shop/tip and two little ones trying to undo all my good work! Oh, and dust! How does so much of it accumulate in a reasonably well-cleaned house? I feel covered at all times and because it's been disturbed, it resettle on all the formerly clean surfaces in the house. Sigh.

It's actually quite a relief to be at the stage of packing where you know you are leaving in a few days, so you can start to pack away essentials. I'm sure I'll regret some of these decisions when one of the children in sick and needs a completely clean set of sheets but everything will need packing at some point! I'm past the stage of caring too much.

My parents are helping us out with looking after the girls for some of the week and J's mum will have them the night/day of the move so I think we will be ready. I reckon this will be my last post in this house so... see you on the other side! 

Here are some photos from our holiday :)

And the packing (sob!).

Off on hols

Hello! This is a quick post to say that we are currently in the car making the 4 hour journey to Cornwall for a holiday with my family (parents, one brother and grandparents, phew!). I'm really looking forward to escaping the bombsite that is our half-packed house. I remember writing a very similar post last year when we were travelling down for the same holiday, so I'm not going to go on in case I repeat myself. The holiday house has no internet or 3G, therefore I won't be posting for a week. Hope you're all having lovely summers x

Good things (day in London)

There are days when Chloe can be in a 'wind up mummy' mood and she doesn't seem to care what the consequences are. There are also days when Livia is getting into EVERYTHING (including drawing with a Biro on the TV!). These are days when I feel like saying, 'God I need a break from these children!'

But then there are days like today, where I feel so full of pride and appreciation for my two girlies. ...Hmm maybe that doesn't sound quite right; I always feel proud of them, but today was a GOOD day, behaviour and attitude-wise! I hope I'm making sense (this is a late night post after an insanely busy day, can you tell?).

We spent the day in London with Jon's family. It wasn't hugely exciting for youg children: lots of walking or sitting in buggies and looking at big buildings which didn't mean much to them. But the girls did so well, with very little moaning. Livia kept pointing to everything and saying, 'Whassat? Whassat?' She also would say 'Herro!' to random passers-by. She was generally her usual gorgeous, smiley, funny self.

Chloe ate well, walked well and chatted to me in a really lovely way ('Mummy, when I'm a grown-up, I won't have to hold hands will I?', 'Mummy, I think I must be nearly 4 because my legs are massive' etc!). She took an interest in what we were doing, like copying the marching of the soldiers at Buckingham Palace. And there was no fuss when we had to leave Hamleys without buying anything!

I don't want to make this blog about telling you how wonderful my children are but sometimes it's nice to celebrate the good things. I don't always report on the bad days but, oh my, they do happen! Please let me know your thoughts on this and warn me if I ever start to sound too boastful :) I hope you've had a good day too.

Time, please stay still.

I feel like I'm having a flashback to last summer and wishing time would just stop. I'm feeling so happy with lots of family round and things feeling 'comfortable' in our lovely (small) house, with Chloe still at home. It's daunting to think about setting up a new home, saying all our goodbyes (to J's brother and family and my parents again) and then sending our daughter off to school. Even going back to work after the summer holidays; I'm enjoying having so much time with my girlies. I'm doing my best to trust in God's promises about new seasons. He is going ahead and preparing the way.

18 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. 

19 Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43

Packing

We've had such a busy day today with J's brother and his family who are over from the USA. We went to Salisbury with J's parents too and had a lovely time exploring and making a trip to Stone Henge too.

Coming home is a bit strange at the moment. We are 3 weeks away from our move (panic!) and we have begun to pack. I really dislike this stage; where you still live in the house you love but it feels all different and weird because lots of your things are moved/put away etc. I can already feel myself getting emotional. This has been such a family home to us and although it is teeny tiny and we have way outgrown it, I am very reluctant to go!

I am holding onto God's promises that he has new, GOOD plans for us and he is going ahead of us in this house move. I know there will probably be hiccoughs along the way, but we will have a beautiful new home at the end of this. I just need to breathe and get on with it ;)

Livia's words!

This is mainly for my records, so I can look back at Livia's first words. I love remembering these little details! She is currently 17 months.

More!

Uh-oh

Naa-na (banana)

Mummy

Daddy

Nanny

Nuh-night

Duck

Baa

Roar

Moo

Miaow

Sss (snake noise!)

Buh-bye

He-roo (hello)

Hot (without the 't')

Ta (thank you)

That! (pointing excitedly)

Air-ee-is (there she/he/it is!)

Mixed emotions

Ah it's so lovely to have mum and dad home. It feels like they've never been away to be honest. The girls have taken to them with no problems; I was surprised at Livia's recognition of them at the airport and think it must be because of Skype. She had a huge smile but also, what I'd call, 'confused amusement', as if to say 'what are you doing out of the computer?!' We've had a few days together staying at my grandparents which has been really special.

Through all of this, things have felt a little weird, as the day after Mum and Dad got back, we found out that some lovely friends of ours had lost their 3 month old baby boy to a brain tumour. It was all very quick and tragic. It's felt so strange carrying on with our lives as usual, knowing that they are going through he worst possible scenario. You don't want to make their tragedy about 'you' but I've felt so sad for them and have cried many tears for their loss.

Chloe has also been acting quite strange since Mum and Dad have come back. She is being very emotional and having breakdowns over the least little thing. To give an example, we went to a soft play and she couldn't climb a particular bit of it and dissolved into floods of tears and demanded that I come and get her from inside the soft play. She has also been off her food a little and being extra clingy, not wanting others, just me. Oh and quite naughty too!

I wonder whether it is to do with all the changes at the moment and feeling unsettled. Chloe has found it difficult to understand why Mum and Dad aren't back in their old house. She asks to play the games they used to have or to do the old craft/cooking activities. As Mum and Dad are staying with friends, the things they can do with her are quite different. I don't think Chloe realises they will be going back to India in a few weeks.

I'm hoping these mixed emotions will become happier as the weeks go on. I pray everyday for our friends coping with the loss of their baby and their faith has been amazing throughout. It inspires me to be more thankful and to make the most of all the blessings in my life. And to put small problems and worries in their rightful place. God is bigger!

Adding to the family?

Don't get excited, this isn't a pregnancy announcement! I've been thinking a lot about whether we should have another baby and here are a few of my musings on this huuuuge topic. This is quite a private, personal decision so I'm not completely giving away our thoughts, just some of the considerations that have crossed our minds.

Whenever I start thinking that we probably need to have some plan about any future children, I get a bit overwhelmed. It feels a bit like we are deciding whether a new person will live or not! Of course that's completely non-theological (untheological??) and ignores that it's God who predestines us and creates us. But do you know what I mean?

It also boggles my mind to think how it will change how our family is and interacts. Whether they will be a boy or a girl and how that will work with the two girls. It will change our needs practically and financially. It will change aspects of our lives such as work and school. But it may add something to our family that we may miss out on otherwise. I love my babies and so why would I not want another one? Arrgghh!

We've not made a final decision but I have come to the realisation that the following shouldn't come into the equation...

- Work. I don't want to be afraid of what my school would say or inconveniencing my colleagues. And also the stress of having to sort out childcare for a longer time. I've always said that my work will come second to my family.

- Finances. I am a strong believer that when it comes to family, God will provide. Money shouldn't be a limiting factor on how many children we are 'allowed'. He can provide houses, cars etc. Sometimes he may require us to live more frugal lives in order to have more children but that's ok!

So with those two things out of the equation, it's more about whether it feels 'right' for our family and if we think God has called us to have more children. This is definitely a decision that we want to make with God and not in our own wisdom! Whatever happens, I am so thankful for our wonderful family.

The beginning of a busy summer!

So school's out (well, for me anyway) and I'm looking forward to a lovely, hectic summer with my two lovely girls. I feel like I'm going to appreciate this time even more because it is the countdown to Chloe starting school. 

My parents get back to the UK on Thursday for a 6 week stay. 6 weeks! Chloe is super excited which I'm so happy about. I was quite worried when they left that Chloe would forget about them. In a way that's happened, as in she doesn't expect to see them and understands they are gone for a long time, but she hasn't lost her love for her grandparents and happiness that they'll be around very soon.

As for myself, I'm feeling a little nervous about having them back. It has been so much better than I thought it would be, having my parents so far away again. It was sad and a complete adjustment saying goodbye again. But we've adapted and got used to it. In fact, I much prefer it now to just before they left and saying goodbyes and watching them pack their house up. I'm scared it's going to be like that again. I'm trying very hard to be positive and make the most of the time. I know I'm very fortunate to have them back for so long!

I hope you are all looking forward to the summer and have some lovely plans. Talk again soon!

Hospital stay

We've had a bit of a scary start to the week. On Sunday evening Livia was sick; we didn't think much of it, because her allergies mean that she often has nights when something hasn't agreed with her and we end up having to give her a second bath before bed! But half an hour later she was sick again. And then 15 minutes later, and then again and again. This carried on all night. She started not making a fuss and so we had to keep checking on her to make sure she wasn't lying in it :(

In the morning Livia still wasn't keeping any water down and immediately bringing it back up. I didn't happen to have any dioralyte to hand (I recommend to any parents to always keep stocked up, as children will often keep this down better than water). I debated whether to go out and get some / go to the doctors / go to A&E. But I was starting to get very worried about Livia, who was just lying on our bed in between being sick. I rang the doctors but they couldn't see me until 11. So A&E it would have to be.

Thankfully I dropped Chloe off to my mother-in-laws (so helpful to have someone in case of emergencies). We headed to A&E, me feeling a bit sheepish and thinking she wasn't poorly enough to go there. Sure enough the first nurse I saw said 'Oh I wouldn't worry, she has a tummy bug. My daughter has a tummy bug at the moment.' She gave me dioralyte to give with a syringe and sent me back to the waiting room to administer myself. This was about 10am.

By 2pm we were still at A&E. Livia was still being sick (my trousers had been covered when she caught me off-guard) and she had gone very tired and unresponsive. The doctors decided that we would have to be admitted and Livia needed some help with getting fluids. They tried a tube down her nose but she still brought up the dioralyte. So they had to resort to an IV in her arm. J had joined me at this point, as I hadn't had a chance to eat anything or had a break (the nurse I first saw had become more sympathetic and had made me a cup of tea, which was lovely). I was also getting tearful - it an be very lonely waiting in a hospital without anything to distract you from worrying.

We ended up staying overnight on the children's ward. By the morning, Livia was sitting up in her cot and actually giving the other children smiles which she wasn't well enough to do the night before. The tubes were all taken out and she managed a couple of cups of water before we were discharged. 

I wish that was it for our time in hospital but after a few hours at home, I became very worried about Livia again. She wasn't trying to play or walk around, she wasn't interested in food and was starting to refuse drinks. She just lay down wherever I put her and would make a repetitive moaning noise.

I called the ward and they told me to come back in to have her assessed. My mother-in-law and Chloe came with me, which was really nice to have some moral support. It seems that Livia's blood sugar had dropped very low, so after being forced to have dioralyte for another few hours she perked up much more and we were allowed home again. Phew!

I have to admit I'm still not 100% happy with how Livia is at the moment. She is still being sick (now is Thursday, so this is 4 days later) but it is sporadic (once or twice a day) and she is eating and drinking. She is also very tired and not her usual destructive self! But I'm trying not to be a worried mum and realise that it will take a while for her to get back to normal after her ordeal. There's no sign of a temperature or anything else worrying so I can just assume it's the end of the bug.

I'm very thankful to friends and family, especially those who prayed for us, sent texts, looked after Chloe and my lovely friend who made us dinner yesterday. You are fab :)

[I thought it might be worth saying that if you have to go to A&E with a child, make sure you take drinks and snacks for yourself. I really regretted this and have myself a horrible headache by not looking after myself. Also a change of clothes is a good idea if you have a sicky child! And cancel any appointments you have before you lose signal inside the hospital. I wish I had thought of all these things.]

'Night night mummy'

One of my favourite things that Livia is doing at the moment is, when I put her to bed (or even just say 'it's time for bed'), she says 'night night mummy'. Except it doesn't sound like that to anyone but Jon and I - more like 'nah nigh nuh-nee'. She always has the biggest smile when she says it, like she knows that she's being clever and that we love hearing her say it. It makes my heart so fuzzy and always puts a smile on my face. It's something she learnt on holiday so there's the reminder of that too. It's such a precious little moment that I had to write it down.

Has feminism made us selfish?

A quick thought I had this morning was over J's packed lunch for work. I have never made his sandwiches for him. It's always been something where I've thought, 'he's a grown man, he can make his own lunch.' Quite mean-spirited of me really! 

But this morning it dawned on me that J happily looks after my car for me (checking oil, topping up the water etc), he deals with all our bills, manages our finances daily, deals with utilities companies etc etc. He also helps out lots with the children. He definitely isn't the fifties-styles dad, coming home and putting his feet up whilst I wait on him. 

So what's gone wrong? Obviously there are jobs I do which J doesn't; I take on responsibility for the children's medical appointments, preschool/school matters and general organisation of the house and I'll do the majority of the laundry and cleaning. But what about the sandwiches? When it comes to a job that's done solely for my husband, why do I struggle?

I believe that feminist attitudes which make us think that women shouldn't be waiting on men, can influence how we act in marriage. I wanted to resist falling into the stereotypical 'woman at home' image but this can make me selfish and mean-spirited. What happened to the Biblical model of out-doing each other in showing love?

So next week I am going to surprise my husband by making his sandwiches. Not out of subservience but out of love and appreciation for all he does for me.

'And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.' Colossians 3:14

School preparations

I love school. I think I've always loved school (dork!). I really enjoy learning and the sense of community and exploring potential. I teach in a secondary school and every day I drive to school I feel very blessed to do my job (it's true, honest!). 

One of my favourite parts of teaching is the relationship between pupils and teacher. I went on a school trip yesterday to Cirencester and the Roman villa near there. It was such a beautiful day and a very pretty place to visit, set in a valley in the Cotswolds. It was fun to get to know the girls I teach a bit better and to spend a day with them; playing word games on the coach, judging a gymnastics competition in a lunch break and watching them enjoy experiencing a real Roman villa.

I've been thinking lots about school recently because we are in full-blown preparation for Chloe starting in September. We had a meeting last night where we told the class she is in (with her closest friend from preschool hurrah!) and all the things we need to buy/get ready. We also met her teachers (a job share) and they are so lovely! I'm very pleased she will have such kind, approachable ladies looking after her.

I am very pleased with the school we have chosen for Chloe. Things are a bit up in the air at the moment with our house move (survey showed some issues that need resolving and things are generally quite slow), so it's nice to have school sorted. Knowing how faithful God has been in this, helps me to trust that he will provide a home for us too. 

I love that my little girl is about to start the adventure of school and discovering more about the world and who she is. I'm excited to see her develop her potential. I just know she'll cope well because of lessons we've taught her at home, in terms of behaviour and attitude. I know her confidence in new situations will really help. I'm also feeling challenged about my potential. Is there anything new God is calling me to? It's so easy to be stuck in everyday behaviour and not attempt new things. I'm going to give it some thought and get back to you!

Thank you Lord that you love to teach us new things. Thank you that you want us to grow and change, not just stay static. Help me to accept instruction, say 'yes' to new challenges and be eager to make new friends; just as I am encouraging Chloe to. Please be with all the other families I know who have children preparing for school too. Please protect us all in this season of transition.

Catching up

Hello hello! I feel like doing a bit of a catching up post because I haven't really written anything post-holiday (although I posted the holiday blogs after I got back so maybe it doesn't seem like I've been away for a bit?!). There's lots of exciting, super fun things going on at the moment which I wanted to share with you too!

Work is slowly beginning to wind down for the summer hols. I love this half term because it's full of things like sports day, house competitions, post-exam celebrations, saying goodbye to the 6th form and generally just a lighter work load and sense of excitement. 

Chloe also has loads of saying goodbye to preschool events (a graduation?!) and introduction to school meetings too. I have joined a Facebook group with other mums with children in the same year group at the school and we organising meet-ups which will be fun. I'm a little nervous about meeting a whole new crowd (I feel like I'm the one starting school!) but it will be really nice for Chloe to get to know people really well.

Lots of babies are being born to people who are very special to me. Some close friends had a beautiful little girl this week and I got to have a cuddle today which was lovely. Chloe also had a turn and was so grown-up about it; love her. I've also got a new nephew who I haven't met yet but am also very excited to spend some time with. And we have more friends having their third baby at the end of the month. Love babies!!

Last but not least, my parents are back for a visit in 5 WEEKS time! And J's brother and his family are over from the states in July too. Busy busy busy.

I love having things to look forward to, let alone wonderful summer weather and being outside more with the girls. I think the next few months are going to be very special.

Ps - I also wanted to say that I am trying to not to retreat onto here too much, as I am working hard on writing at the moment and I often come on here to delay getting down to it. I feel so inspired to push myself to complete something that I don't want to lose that motivation! However I will keep updating here, it just might not be as frequent. 

Have a great weekend :)