HIS sacrifice

This will be a super quick post because we are currently rushing to get ready for church. But it's so important - needed to write it down to remember later!

God has been gently reminding me this morning of HIS great sacrifice that he made for me. However tough I feel I have it (and I really don't have it tough at all!), Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me on the cross. My saviour died to give me life 'and life to the full'. Hallelujah!

I've been listening to this song by Jesus Culture. Here's a few lines:

This is Jesus in his glory
King of Heaven dying for me
It is finished, he has done it
Death is beaten, heaven beckons me.

It's all for you Jesus, not about me. Please help me remember that today.

Not just coffee and finger-painting.

Recently I've been realising what a sacrifice motherhood is. In case you were under any impression that being a stay-at-home mum is an easy job - you get to wear jogging bottoms and stay at home after all! - please let me offer an alternative opinion! Being a mum means sacrificing many of the things you want to do, your ambitions, your body and sometimes your needs (as a pregnant lady who needs to eat/go to the loo frequently, I can testify  to this!).

As you can probably tell from the tone of this post, it's been a rough few weeks in our house. Chloe has had a bad tummy bug, ear infection, conjunctivitis, cold and then chicken pox all in the space of a month! I have also been struggling with low iron which has left me really tired and run-down, although iron tablets are now helping. We have spent an awful lot of time cooped up in the house to avoid spreading Chloe's various infections. I love our house but the walls can close in very quickly when you have a bored toddler who is grumpy from feeling poorly.

I have also been finding things hard with the pregnancy. I said after having Chloe that I don't 'do' pregnancy well and I'm finding this time around similar. I tend to get lots of minor problems (as do many women) and the general feeling of being uncomfortable and large and in pain is just not something I enjoy! I feel guilty for admitting this, as I know so many women are desperate to become pregnant and it is truly and amazing experience, knowing that God is growing a little baby inside of me. But when I have raging heart-burn, hips that are so sore I can't sleep and tight, itchy skin it is very hard to have a positive outlook.

I only feel able to write this post because I feel like I'm coming through the other side of these hard couple of weeks and things are starting to look brighter. I think one of the most important things you can do as a mum is to get out of the house and see people who understand what you are going through. Being isolated and alone is one of the worst feelings, especially when you are caring for a sick child. But I have been to work for my usual 2 days this week (thank you Mum for having Chloe) which has allowed me some breathing space and time to do 'grown-up' things. And then today, thankfully, Chloe's spots had reached the stage where she is no longer contagious (crusted over and starting to heal) so I was able to meet up with some Mummy friends from church. Just getting out of the house and sharing my feelings with other human beings (other than my very loving and patient husband) has given me such a boost. It was so great to see Chloe happy again and running round. It's made me think that she was perhaps getting quite down too being inside and isolated so much.

God has given us Mums an amazing role, but like with anything which is so important, it comes with such responsibility and cost, which I don't think we always count until we're forced to stop everything else. I love my daughter and this new baby which is currently wriggling around inside of me more than I could ever imagine. But it's this love and sacrifice that makes being a Mum so tough at times! I will admit that I did feel really depressed at times over the last few weeks. This is such a loaded term which has very negative connotations for me but I know it's true. I think it's very easy as mothers to 'just keep going' and not acknowledge when we're struggling. Thankfully I have very wonderful people around me who notice when I am not myself. We shouldn't be afraid to say we aren't enjoying life at a given time or even that we are getting near breaking point. As Christians we should protect each other, share burdens and not judge.

I am very thankful for a faithful Father in heaven who leads me through hard times and never leaves my side. When the devil speaks lies over me, I know that I can fight them with God's promises which he has spoken over me.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me...
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23: 4, 6

Love never fails 1 Cor 13:8

On Saturday we had our first parenting morning as a church. It's very exciting to be part of a growing church which is having to develop new ministries as the make-up of the family changes. There are now 6 children under 3, another 3 due in the next 6 months plus a handful of older children too. The morning was excellent with some speakers coming over from another church plus the elders sharing on topics such as raising confident children, raising Christian children and discipline. There was also a time for questions and answers.

My favourite and most inspiring part of the morning was when the famous passage from 1 Corinthians about love was used as a sort of measuring stick of our parenting and method of raising confident children. There was an emphasis that if our children feel loved and accepted as they are then they will feel confident to be themselves. For our children to feel worthy of love, we need to show them plenty of love in what we say but more importantly in what we do.

A tip that was given for examining ourselves as parents was to replace the word 'love' with 'mum'/'dad'. eg - 'Mum is patient'. I think this is very helpful, as when reading this passage through like this, there were a few statements which jarred a bit for me = things to look at and work on!

A few major challenges which J and I both felt came from the morning were:
1. 'Love is patient'. This isn't just being patient in the little, every-day things but also the big things. So if it's taking your child a long time to learn a lesson then allowing them that time and not becoming frustrated. God gives us lots of time to change our ways!
2. 'Listen with your eyes' - spend time talking with our children giving our full attention. No looking at phones!
3. 'Love keeps no record of wrongs'. Don't put a sign of 'unloveable' over children. God removes our transgressions from us and we should be the same as parents. We should avoid saying things like 'you're a naughty girl' as children will take on these labels. Name the behaviour, not the child.
4. Linked to the last one - Love 'always protects'. Don't discuss your child's wrongdoings with others in an unhelpful way. Seek help and advice but don't expose your children. This one has really resonated with me. I am a big 'sharer', meaning that I tend to blurt out all sorts of things to people about how I'm feeling. I often talk about things I'm finding hard with Chloe and even sometimes on facebook. I have felt challenged about this before and now I'm even more determined to protect my little girl. I don't want her to ever feel that her Mum is less than proud of her!

I hope some of these challenges are helpful to you too. I certainly came away with a fresh sense of purpose and determination to do my best for my little family, along with J.

The final point of this section of the morning really helped us all to lift our eyes back up to Jesus after looking at what we could do better. The last verse in this passage was 'love never fails' and the conclusion was that love always wins! If we love our children and God is on our side then we can't fail! This should give us HUGE confidence in our parenting.
I am very thankful that God is much bigger than myself or J in influencing and developing my children.

New name

I was never very happy with the name of the blog 'Godly Mummyhood'. This is what I aspire to but it sounded too much like a statement; this is what I'm doing... I rushed to come up with something when I started and names aren't really my strong point! Other blogs I follow have such clever or poignant names; I often wish I'd have thought of that!
So I tried thinking of something witty or deep but came up blank. I felt challenged to really think about what statements, scripture or words have stuck with me since I became a mum. God's promise about every day being a new day which he has made and has new grace and mercy for has been a real comfort. Psalm 30:5 says 'weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning'. God promises to renew our hope and strength each day. I frequently need to be reminded of that when I'm going through a rough patch. So often with children it seems that some days are just 'off days' and tomorrow is a new day!
That's why this blog is now called 'Joy in the morning' - to remind me of this amazing promise from God.

Belonging

One thing I love about starting a family is the sense of belonging it creates. Even just as a couple, you end up with sayings and traditions which are just yours. And then having Chloe around has meant we have created new habits which are unique to our family and which most people wouldn't understand! I was trying to think of any I could share with you but it's so hard to explain most of them, especially when they originated with Chloe. (e.g. - before she gets out of the bath, Chloe must lie down on her back and say 'water, water'. She gets very cross if she isn't given time to do this!)

This is very clear when anyone tries to have a conversation with Chloe. She often starts talking about a game we play or something we have done in the week and often people have no idea what she is talking about. How special it is that we, as her parents, understand her and can 'speak her language'! I am sure this helps Chloe to view our relationship as a family as special and creates a sense of belonging. I know this feeling will only grow stronger as we add our new baby to the family and Chloe has someone else to share her life with.

...Added...
I feel challenged that I didn't once mention God in a post about how family gives us a sense of belonging! I had an evening to myself tonight and a bit of time to spend time reading Godly things and allowing God to speak to me. It's so easy to start to fill your mind with everything but Jesus!
So here's a verse about how God has given us the same sense of belonging into his family:
'Those who were not my people I will call 'my people', and her who was not beloved I will call 'beloved'. And in the very place where it was said to them 'you are not my people', there they will be called 'sons of the living God.'

Thank you Father that you saw me and loved me, even when I was walking away from you and didn't want to be one of 'your people'. Thank you for saving me and making me your child. Thank you that I am now a member of your family and for how that gives me the greatest sense of belonging there is! Please help me to teach my children about how their Heavenly Father knows all about them, even more than their earthly families x

'Exceptional in the ordinary things' (and Potty Training, part 3)

I have been using the well-known 'My Utmost for His Highest' devotionals by Oswald Chambers for my quiet times recently. I have found this book to be such a blessing! Short readings and thoughts for the day, which are easy to fit in around my busy schedule with Chloe and they don't depend on you finding time every day.

Yesterday's passage was from Jude and all about building up your faith. Chambers acknowledged that so often we want 'exceptional' experiences with God or to do 'exceptional' things for him. He then turned this on its head and proposed that although Peter walked on water, his greater sacrifice and the more difficult task was to walk with Jesus every day on land. It's the every-day faith that we are called to live out, not to be impulsive thrill-seekers. Chambers sums it up by saying 'We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people, and this is not learned in five minutes'.

This has been encouraging to me because I have been finding my life very trivial recently. Being inside and potty-training for a whole week has left my prayers for the day as 'God, please let Chloe make progress in doing her wees on the potty today!' or 'please help me to be creative and energetic in keeping Chloe busy at home today'. These prayers just seem so tiny and unimportant compared to all that is happening in the world today and in God's kingdom! Chambers has encouraged me that I have to keep being faithful to God and keep engaging with him during my rather dull day. Another quote from him which often applies to our lives: 'to live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus'.

Potty Training Diary

This is the last I will mention about potty-training in detail, as I'm sure there aren't many people who are interested in so much detail about Chloe's toilet habits! But I wanted to finish off the week and today marks a week, hooray! Often you see books in the shops claiming they can potty-train your child in a week. I didn't believe this was really realistic, or at least not for us. But here we are a week on and I guess Chloe is potty-trained, depending on how you define it.

On Saturday we had a funny day, as Chloe again went through a stage of not wanting to try on the potty. She managed some wees on the potty but also had several accidents, one with J when he took her round his parents whilst I rested - whoops! Saturday was also emotional because my parents left for their 6-week trip to India, which Chloe just couldn't get her head round. But more on that another time.

Sunday we had the obstacle of church. It was something that had been looming in the background all week and I knew I really wanted to try it completely nappy-free. Because Saturday hadn't been that successful I had resolved myself that when Chloe went to creche I would probably put her in a nappy, because our creche is relatively new and we haven't had much experience of children who are newly potty-trained. However when we got there I took her straight to the toilets (I had a potty just in case) and Chloe managed to go on the toilet! I was so impressed that she had practically 'weed on command' that I let her tell everyone she then saw when we got back to the meeting room; there were some funny reactions! She was then fine to stay nappy-free all service and made it home without incident. The rest of the day went very well, with just a small accident after leaving her nappy off for her nap.

Today has probably been the best day. I have started asking Chloe a lot less to try on the potty and this has been really effective. She has gone for a wee every 2 and a half hours-ish and almost immediately after being placed on the potty. The only accident happened when I had my shower this morning (we had a lie-in whoops!). When I came out of the shower I heard Chloe calling to me, saying 'I'm still dry!'. I thought this was a bit suspicious and when I came downstairs, found she had wet trousers and pants. I took her to the potty to see if she needed to do more and was very confused to find a big wee in there! The only conclusion I can come to is that she must have taken herself to the potty but forgotten/been unable to take her trousers and pants off and just weed straight through them! So I see this as definite progress if she is already attempting to go by herself. I might have to be brave and leave her bare-bummed if I need to leave her to shower in the future.

So we're still having an accident a day but I feel like we're nearly there. I feel much more confident about leaving the house, as Chloe is so good at holding herself and is getting better at using public loos. There's no turning back now!

Potty training, part 2

Here's the next installment in our potty training adventures!

Day three was ok up until I wrote my last blog, haha. Then in the afternoon Chloe had her friend Jonny round and was too distracted to sit on the potty and, when on the potty, she couldn't seem to wee. This then meant she had a bit of an accident before 'finishing' on the potty. However this seemed to really put her off her potty and she kept refusing to get on it, even after Jonny had left. The afternoon culminated in Chloe bumping her head and as I comforted her with a cuddle she weed all over me and all over the floor! And there was a lot of it! So not a great end to the day.

Day four was a really good day (thank goodness, after Wednesday). Chloe used her potty with no fuss and had no accidents. The only issue I had was that she went for a wee so infrequently that I'm a bit worried she's 'holding it'. I kept putting her on the potty and she seemed ok with that, even really trying to go but with no result. She ended up going from 9am until her nap with no wee. I delayed her nap until 2pm, as I really wanted her to go before, but at 2 it was getting a bit ridiculous! So I put her in her nappy to sleep. However when I woke her at 3.30pm, she STILL hadn't weed! At this point I put her straight on the potty and she did use it successfully. So Chloe is doing the right thing but maybe can only go when she's desperate?!

Day five (today) was going to be a challenging day because it marked stage 2 in potty training  - starting to leave the house. I am not the sort of mum who is relaxed about making a scene in front of people and so the thought of accidents out-and-about terrifies me!

This morning we had Chloe's second session at gym club which I didn't want to miss, as she's been stuck in all week and she loved it last time she went (includes using gym equipment like bars, beams, ladders, trampoline etc but with parachute and song time too = fab!). As I don't know people there very well and it is a professional gym club I decided I couldn't risk an accident during the session but, to avoid being in a nappy all morning, I only put a nappy on Chloe once we got to the gym club before the session. I then took it off straight after (it was dry). The mistake I made was not asking Chloe if she needed a wee immediately, as when I was putting her socks on I felt a warm patch and realised she'd leaked a small amount! Panicking more than a little, I asked Chloe if she needed to wee more; she said 'yes'. Oh no! I took her to the loos... both were occupied... what now?! I kept telling Chloe to hold it in, hoping that the people in the cubicles would hear and hurry up. Once in the loo, I put Chloe on, but this is a new experience for both of us and I wasn't sure if she should dangle at the front or sit right to the back? I'm still not sure ha! (mums - please let me know what you do!). She seemed happier right at the back, as she was clinging on for dear life at the front. After changing positions I was amazed that she actually managed to do a full wee in the toilet! I was so, so proud and this gives me more confidence for taking her out in the future.

Sorry this post is getting so long! The second outing I had to make today was to the supermarket; our fridge was very empty after a whole week at home. We timed it so that we left straight after Chloe went for a wee on the potty, so we could avoid accidents in the shop. However because she isn't 'going on demand' I had to wait quite a while for this! We ended up leaving at 5pm, which then meant the supermarket was heaving; not the best for a first shopping attempt with a toddler newly-potty trained! It took over an hour but we managed without any accidents which was a relief. I had placed a disposable changing mat under Chloe in the trolly, just in case. I'm not sure how effective this would have been but hopefully would have caught some of it! Any other tips for supermarket trips welcomed.

I'm feeling very positive this evening. Much better than I did Wednesday evening! I still haven't got my head around the fact that this is it now and I can't really turn back. I think I half-expected to fail during this half term, so to now be progressing at this rate is a bit scary.

Some progress that still needs to be made:
1) Chloe is still frequently starting to wee in her pants and then stops herself and does the rest on the potty. I need to try and get her to tell me before she starts.
2) She isn't 'going on demand' and seems to try to do wees but can't make herself do it, even when she hasn't been for several hours. I guess this is just a case of increasing her bladder control.
3) Chloe needs to practise using both the potty and toilet so that it is easier to take her out.
4) I want to move towards nappy-free naps, as she is often dry when I wake her up. I don't know if I can face this yet!
5) I to avoid using the tv as a way to get her to sit on the potty and encourage her to wait long enough without it on.

We'll see how it goes!

Potty training diaries, part 1

This week we are taking the plunge (not sure that's the right expression!) into potty-training. We briefly attempted potty-training over the summer but I didn't even blog about it because it was a bit of a disaster! Chloe clearly wasn't ready so we left it until October half term, which thankfully is 2 weeks for me so hopefully enough time to practice before she has to go back to Jon's mum while I'm working.

I have been really reluctant to start training Chloe and I wasn't sure why! I think my experience over the summer made it seem an impossible task and I know of people who have had all sorts of issues. If I think about deeper reasons, I guess I also feel like this is yet another test of my parenting skills and one which people regularly compare (e.g - 'My daughter potty-trained in 2 days with only a couple of accidents!'). I am so driven by success that I really didn't want to 'fail' at this. I know it's a ridiculous way to think and my security in my parenting should be based on much more important things. But I'm sure I'm not the only one to have thoughts like this!

Anyway it's actually been going really well! This is how we are starting...

We prepared Chloe by getting her some pretty pants (and lots of cheap ones of Primark too) to get her excited. We also talked regularly about the fact that she would be learning to use the potty. We were given a book which explains the potty-training process for toddlers which Chloe loved and this also got her used to the idea. We originally bought a cheapo potty from Asda but she refused to sit on it for any length of time because it 'hurt' and left red rings round her bum. Although some people warned us against it, we ordered a potty-chair off Amazon which is much more comfy for her and has a pot in the middle which you remove to clean. This worked wonders for getting her to sit on the potty in the first place (and she is now happy to use the cheap potty as an extra one upstairs which is a relief!).

Monday was day one. I took her nappy off after we'd had breakfast and I was showered, dressed and ready to supervise her (around 8.30am). We planned to have the whole day inside with just the two of us so that we could give it a good go. Chloe went until 11.30 without a single wee! In this time I regularly put her on the potty (probably about every 30-45 mins). I wanted to avoid using tv to get her to sit there, as this was something I had tried during the summer and all it meant was that she kept saying she needed to potty so she could have the tv on! This time we did use the tv but I limited it to one episode of Peppa Pig from a DVD (which is about 5 mins). I find tv helps as Chloe is so active that just sitting still is really hard for her! At the start of potty-training it seems toddlers don't often know how to control their wee very well on demand, so Chloe often needs a few minutes to relax enough to go. I do also read to her, give her snacks or (her favourite) make up stories about 'princess Siena'!

(Back to Monday) At 11.30 we had our first accident on the floor. Chloe was a bit upset by it but I put her on the potty and encouraged her to try and do some more. She didn't. 10 minutes later we had another accident on the floor! Again I put her on the potty in case she still needed it and she produced nothing again. It was then lunchtime and I assumed she was all empty so didn't put the disposable changing mat I had been using under her. Bad move! She weed all over the high chair!

Chloe then had her nap (in a nappy) and I had a well-earned rest! After naptime, the day continued the same with me putting Chloe on the potty regularly but with no result. Feeling it was hopeless and I should give up, I admit that I had a little cry (Chloe noticed and kept telling me to 'not be sad' which made me cry more!). I felt like a failure and I was upset that I had to keep nagging my daughter to do something she clearly couldn't do.

But then!!... Chloe did a little dribble of a wee in her pants so I put her on the potty and she did some more. Again it was only a dribble but it earnt her a sticker and chocolate button for her efforts. She was very happy and it was only 5 minutes until she told me she had to 'wee again'. Again she produced another dribble and had another sticker and chocolate. 5 minutes later and another dribble in the potty. I told her she had to sit for longer and do a 'big wee' to get another sticker. Chloe wasn't happy with this but eventually gave in. This resulted in our first 'proper wee' in the potty! I was so happy! And also impressed that she seemed to have learnt some control over her 'wee muscle'.

Day two and day three (today) are going well, with no proper accidents yet. Just one occasion where Chloe started to go and then made it to the potty before any went on the floor. We are continuing with a sticker chart and chocolate buttons. Chloe seems to be able to hold her wee for ages which can be disconcerting! She seems to go at 11.30, after her nap at around 15.00 and then at 18.00. I took her out yesterday to the park in pants straight after she weed after her nap and it went without a hitch. I think if I can get her to go 'on demand' then I'll feel happier about longer trips out because I can make sure she 'empties' before we go.

We haven't had any progress with poo yet but thankfully no awful accidents! I have heard that you should concentrate on wee and then the poo will eventually follow. Haha I apologise to anyone who doesn't have kids reading this!

We also aren't attempting to have Chloe in pants for her nap or night sleeps yet. Again, I've heard that children will normally go dry at nights by themselves and then you can get rid of the nappies. For now, it's quite a relief to put her in her night nappy at the end of the day!

I hope this account of my experiences will help anyone who is about to potty-train. I don't think I have the 'correct' method but sometimes it can be reassuring to hear other people's success/failure stories. I would advise that if you start and have to turn back then that's not a bad thing! It's what we had to do in the summer. But be prepared for a stressful start and lots of cleaning up before things do improve :)

Sugar and spice and all things nice

I love how sweet Chloe is at the moment. She comes out with the nicest things and she is so affectionate. I am really loving this stage of her development where you get so much back in return for your love and time. I will give you a few examples...

If I ever get stressed or sound upset, Chloe is very quick to say 'You ok Mummy?' or 'Don't worry Mummy'. When we were playing doctors I pretended to be ill and must have been too convincing, as Choe said 'Don't be sad Mummy'.She seems to really care about my feelings which I find so lovely.

At mealtimes Chloe will always notice if someone has run out of drink or hasn't had pudding and will ask them if they want some/more. Even people she doesn't know well! She is quite the little hostess!

Today we went to gym club for the first time and on the way home Chloe was getting excited about telling J about her time there (he was working from home). She said 'I make Daddy happy'. I love that she wants to share her day with us both.

Chloe has really got the hang of manners and being polite. She will usually say 'please' and 'thank you' without prompting and today she thanked us for her meal before getting down from the table.

Most importantly she is learning about Jesus. The other day we were coming home late and Chloe told J she wasn't scared of the dark. He asked why and she replied 'Not scared because Jesus looks after me'. I know this is mostly down to what we've told her and not a real understanding but it's so heart-warming to hear her say it! 

Retreat

Recently I met up with two of my very close friends from university. I feel like we've done so well to keep in contact for the 4 years since we left and it's always just like old times when we see each other (by the way, realise you may be reading this - hello!).

One of these friends went to Austrailia and New Zealand for a couple of months this year, taking unpaid leave in order to do some travelling. When she was telling us about it I felt so challenged by how she viewed her time away and what she really valued from her trip. She made it clear that one of the main reasons she went, was to spend time with God and to get to know him better. She described the trip as 'life-changing' and some of the things He had spoken to her about. One of these (I hope you don't mind me putting on here!) was that she felt called to set up a Christian retreat at some point in her life. This would work like a home where people can stay for the purpose of spending time with God and enjoying good hospitality whilst having space to pray and read the Bible.

My friend has really challenged me about this idea of 'retreat'. I don't know many close friends who have gone on 'reatreats' or even just on holiday with the purpose of spending time with God. But the more I think about it, the more Biblical it seems! Jesus spent time in the desert listening to God and being away from all other distractions before beginning his ministry in earnest. I'm not talking about becoming a monk/nun, shut away from the world which I personally don't see as a Biblical way of living. Just a short time to reconnect and show your commitment to your relationship with God. I certainly have never approached a holiday with the same attitude as my friend and I really respect and admire her way of thinking.

I have talked to J about all of this and my desire to have a day or even just a morning of 'retreat' before the baby arrives and demands all my time. My idea is to take a day trip to one of my favourite places, just me and my Bible, whilst he looks after Chloe. I am really looking forward to this special time with God which feels so badly needed!

Whose baby is it?

I was watching a programme the other evening on community midwives and their role of visiting women after they've had their babies. It showed how they are there to offer support to the mum but also to watch closely how they are getting on to make sure the baby is being looked after correctly. Sadly in the programme they discussed cases where the mum was deemed to not be coping and how they were referred to a board for babies 'at risk'. The mum would then have to attend meetings to show how they were able to care for their baby. I understand how necessary that role is but the thought of your baby being taken away or even the suspicion being raised that you aren't a fit mother must be terrifying!

It made me think about how as mums we can be very defensive about our way of raising our children and have the attitude of 'it's my baby so I'll do things my way'. I feel challenged that this isn't always a Biblical view. Are our children really 'ours'? As seen in the programme, even in the secular world children aren't yours by right. There is a responsibility that comes with being a parent and if you don't live up to that then they may be taken away.

Thinking about this in a less extreme way, do we have a right to tell others to 'butt out' of  commenting on our parenting and to do things our way instead? I think a Biblical view would be that advice and wisdom from others should be teasured and not dismissed because it rubs us the wrong way. I think sometimes we need to be more generous with our children, not just when taking advice but allowing others into their lives.

I'll give you a couple of examples. We are often blessed by family members or friends giving us clothes for Chloe. Some of them aren't to our taste, not inappropriate but just not what we would choose. I have been challenged that it is quite selfish of me to deny that person seeing my daughter in something they've bought because of my personal preferences about clothes. Chloe certainly doesn't care!

Another example - Someone close to us may be having an event or party which they would like us all to come to. It may be something that would clash with Chloe's bedtime or a nap or just something which I know may be quite difficult for us to entertain Chloe at. There is a sense of putting Chloe's needs first but on occasions skipping a nap or going to be late is perfectly fine and to avoid something because it may 'difficult' is denying someone time with the whole family.

One final example which has happened recently is from Chloe's 2nd birthday. We were away camping over the actual birthday and were planning to celebrate whilst we were away. However we had a small party for her with family before we went so that they didn't miss out. In the end we invited a couple of close friends who weren't going on the camp as well. But because we invited a couple of friends, this meant that some others who we are very close to were excluded. In hindsight I should have shaken off my worries about a 'big' party and invited some more close friends so they could celebrate with us. Chloe is special to lots of people and I need to learn to be more generous with her, as I know this can lead to hurt feelings for those who love her but are excluded.

I feel very blessed to have been given such a wonderful little girl who is loved by so many people.I love seeing how everyone wants to interact and spend time with her at church. I don't want to be clingy mum who tries to hog her or over-protect her to the detriment of her relationship with family and friends. I want to be generous with family and make sure everyone gets to spend quality time with Chloe. I know that God has only given Chloe to us for a relatively short time and after that she will leave home and our care to go out into the world. She is no more 'mine' than anything else God has blessed me with.

Looking longer term

If you are a believer in Christ, don't you find that it is hard to keep a long term/ big picture view of your life? So, seeing your earthly life as only a small precursor to what is in store for us in heaven? It's so refreshing to suddenly come back to the realisation that this isn't all there is and my life isn't all about work/going to church/looking after Chloe/seeing friends etc. There is real meaning to my life!

We have recently been away on a Bible camp for 5 days (can you tell?!). I love times of being with my wider church family and having my horizons broadened. I think church can become very routine and sometimes events like these can break us out of this 'small' thinking. It's so thrilling to hear how God is working all over the place and then be inspired for what he can do back at home.

The best part for me was to introduce Chloe to an event like this. It's a new Bible camp for our church to go to and one that's really geared up for children. Next year she will be able to join the kids' work and I am excited for her to receive some teaching about God for herself. The community feel at Bible camps is great; in the mornings Chloe would be up and out saying 'morning!' to everyone who had emerged from their tents! She had fun getting to know some of the older children who were really kind and patient with her. There was no end of entertainment and people around with smiling faces willing to give time to my daughter and I LOVE that about the kingdom of God! Chloe also loved the meetings, which she came along to for the worship time. She was clapping and dancing and very excited when her favourite song 'Happy Day' came on. What a great experience for her.

I am very aware that I need to take a long term view at Chloe's life and realise that the grace that Jesus has shown me is also for my daughter who is in just as much need of it. I want to do all I can to enable her to experience God's love and know him as her personal saviour. Experiences like this camp are really important for her but Chloe also needs to be in a household which radiates God's presence and where he is talked about often. J and I are still in the process of talking through how our family's spriritual life is going to work (times of family prayer, Bible study, memory verses etc) but I am determined that it will be a top priority. Those of you who know us have full permission to keep us accountable on this!

In God's big picture my parenting isn't just for Chloe's sake or to make me look good. It's to glorify my wonderful saviour and to lead my little one to her heavenly Father x

Boundaries

Recently I've found myself in the situation a few times where I have been round someone's house or out with friends and I have corrected something Chloe has been doing which I don't approve of and the person I've been with has said. "Oh don't worry, she's fine" or something similar. This has always been very well-meaning but it misses the point a bit that it goes against family rules or something I see as important. On the other hand I have also been in the situation where a person has told me Chloe is doing something which needs correcting which I am perfectly fine about!

Along with this I always find it interesting to be around other families and see what rules they have which are different from our own. The most telling time I have found is meal times. I have friends who allow their children to wander around with food, friends who make their children wait at the dinner table until everyone is finished, friends who insist on cutlery, friends who allow eating with fingers, friends who don't allow talking with mouthful, friends who will offer alternatives if something isn't eaten, friends who refuse pudding if dinner isn't eaten etc etc etc! When I say I find it interesting, that is honestly true and I try very hard not to judge or think my way is better. Every family has their own family history and upbringing which plays into creating these 'boundaries' and it is such an individual thing.

(Just as an aside I thought it would be interesting to put our view on table discipline. Here is a list of current 'rules':
- Eat what you are given, no alternatives. A 'reasonable' effort must be made but the plate doesn't need to be finished in order to get pudding.
- No banging on the table, throwing food or dropping it on the floor. Some playing is allowed e.g. - pretending spaghetti is worms hehe!
- Say 'thank you' at the end of the meal. Chloe is allowed to get down before everyone is finished as we believe she is too young to sit and wait. She will normally ask to do this politely.
-  Sit down when you are eating meals at the dinner table and no tv is allowed. I will encourage her to sit to eat snacks but I don't always enforce this unless it's something messy.
- Encouraged to use cutlery but if it's too difficult then fingers are allowed. Chloe is normally very good at using cutlery.
- We don't really expect her not to talk with mouthful or anything like that at this age. We figure there's plenty of time for more refined manners!)

That's more rules than I thought ha! I guess we try to take a middle of the line approach but I am sure that any parent reading this will have slightly different rules to us.

I find boundaries hard sometimes because I am not sure what is asking too much at Chloe's age and what she is ready for. I am so aware that life for toddlers can be really hard. They suddenly have all this new-found freedom and then they are told 'no' for almost everything they try to do. At the parenting course I was on they talked about picking your battles and avoiding having battles altogether. If you won't fight with your child then they can't battle against you. I think this is useful advice to an extent. Some battles are worth fighting but the other things are often so petty you can normally let them go.

A parenting book I own advises to choose rules which are based around protecting the child, other people and property from harm and try to let a lot of the other things go. I think this is helpful advice and it has come back to me frequently when I have been deciding how to respond in a situation. I would add that some rules and boundaries are more about 'manners' and these are still hugely important but maybe could be introduced over time rather than all at once.

I'm learning not to set the boundaries too closely or Chloe gets frustrated and we end up 'battling'. So I will let her get all the pegs out of the bag and spread them over the house (and later we will make a game out of collecting them!) and I will let her run around the house and shout and make noise (where else is she allowed to do this?!). I also think this is useful for children learning obedience, as if you have fewer rules I think they take you more seriously and are less likely to ignore you when it comes to the big things.

I don't want to always seem like I try and relate these posts back to God but I can see yet another parallel in this aspect of parenting in the way God parents us. God's boundaries are all for our own good or the good of others and sometimes we struggle to see that. We can think God is spoiling our fun or being too harsh with us, when really he is only trying to protect us or grow us to be more like him. How similar this is to the way our children must view all our rules! I will try and remember to look at situations from God's perspective and not my 'childish' perspective next time I think God is placing the boundaries too tightly around me.

Update to yesterday's post

I thought it was important to record on here something which happened yesterday evening which seems so obviously God after what I was saying in the blog. After admitting that I should be content and feel hugely blessed with the things we do have and trusting that God will provide the rest, we had a phone call from my Grandparents last night saying that they want to give us their old fly screen tv! Could be coincidence but I'm thinking much more likely a blessing from our wonderful providing Father.

'But godliness with contentment is great gain' 1 Tim 6:6

I would normally say I am a fairly un-materialistic person. I'm not majorly fussed by gadgets or nice cars; I'm not the sort of person to try to climb the social-ladder. I think this is obvious by my lack of ambition when it comes to having a career too! My parents had a lot to do with this; instead of fancy cars or stretching to buy a bigger house, they spent their money on other things. We were certainly very privileged now I look back but money was used for 'living' (e.g. - clubs, driving lessons, uni, family experiences) not on 'things'.

However recently I feel like a spirit of discontent is creeping in. I have been to a few people's houses recently which are beautifully decorated, being extended or huuuge compared to our tiny little home. I have also caught myself looking at family-sized cars and thinking 'that would be nice as a next car' - J will tell you I am normally totally uninterested in cars. I have also spent time looking at how much a new TV would cost (we still don't have a flat screen), looking at revamping our kitchen and redecorating the living room!

I don't know where this sudden need to 'better' ourselves has come from and I know that God is challenging me in a big way about it. Having another child is not going to improve our finances and there are other changes coming soon in our lives which are also going to affect us (I should be able to talk about this soon). I need to get my head out of this worldly way of thinking and fix my eyes on Jesus and his plan for our lives. The verse in the title has spoke to me today; being godly and content are the things that are important in God's kingdom. I know that anything else that we need WILL be provided. Thank you God for blessing me so much, please teach me to be content in all situations.

Baby number two!

Our big news which we have announced in the last week is that we are expecting our second child - eeeek! I really wanted to blog about it earlier, as it has affected my day-to-day life so much already but it wouldn't have been fair on J to leak the secret before our 12 week scan. I'm feeling ok at the moment but get horribly tired in the evenings - I can barely force myself up the stairs at gone 10pm! I don't remember the tiredness being this bad with Chloe but then maybe it's because I didn't have a toddler demanding all my time and attention then.

Emotions-wise, it definitely feels different being pregnant this time round. When we got the positive test we were just as excited (if not more because it had taken a little longer to conceive). As soon as the news had settled in, life just continued as normal! I didn't feel much different to start with and J and I are both so busy with our jobs and looking after Chloe that we didn't have much time to sit around and daydream about the new baby. I also feel like I know what I'm in for with the pregnancy and I'm not looking forward to it! I didn't cope well with the pregnancy last time and have to admit I don't really enjoy it. I feel convicted that this is an amazing gift from God and something which many couples long for, so I should feel very blessed and really enjoy it; it can be so difficult when you just feel sick and tired and heavy!

Having said all of that, when I do get a chance to stop and think about the new baby I do feel a rush of love which maybe wasn't as strong when I was pregnant with Chloe. I know now how important and individual and precious the baby will be, because of my feelings about Chloe. This makes me very excited and I can't wait to see how they are similar/different to their big sister. I am also really looking forward to introducing the new baby to Chloe and watching their relationship develop. Although I'm sure there will be jealousy issues, Chloe is so sociable and always trying to find children to play with so I really think she will grow to value having a little brother or sister. I love watching siblings interact and I can't wait to see our family growing together. I can't really believe it yet!!!

Making memories

We've just got back from a holiday to Brittany in France, where we stayed on a campsite by the beach. It was such a special time of discovering new things with Chloe: tents, wash blocks, the sea, the beach, sand castles and eating in restaurants! We went with another couple from church who we are very close to and their nearly-one year old. It was great going with another family, as it enabled us to babysit for each other and share some of the responsibilities of cooking and washing up which is a downside of self-catering! We also had lots of fun times together, especially in the evening when the children were in bed.

I feel like J and I learned a lot from the holiday, as this was our first proper holiday with Chloe and going away with children is such a different experience! I think living alongside another family has also really impressed on me the fact that every family is different in so many ways. This has challenged me about things which I hadn't realised about myself as a parent and has helped me to realise the things which I really want my children to learn. We are all so different in the ways we parent and no one way is better - we have to find what suits us as parents and our children individually and, most importantly, which we believe is godly.

In thinking about this on holiday I realised that quite a lot of the things that are important to me come from my own parents and how we did things on holiday. A key example of this was that we always used to travel and stay at campsites, such as Keycamp or Eurocamp (where your tent is already set up and you have some mod-cons like a hob, a fridge and proper beds). I used to moan about this as a teenager, wishing we could stay in a hotel. But I now have so many good memories of those holidays that we have chosen to do the same as my parents - obviously saving a lot of money in the process!

With saving money I think this is a good lesson for children to learn, as well as helping us afford to go on holidays abroad. I want our children to grow up knowing they don't need to stay in 5* accomodation and eat out every night in order to have a good time. I would suggest that often cooking together and eating outside in front of your tent is an excellent way to bond as a family. I think children also find camping really exciting - Chloe certainly did. However I do realise that I am speaking about something I value and enjoy and this won't necessarily be for all families! If camping isn't your thing then it won't make for a happy holiday!

One thing I was challenged on is that I can be impatient and hurried, especially in getting up and out in the mornings. It is hard to have a relaxed morning with a toddler who is easily bored, however I know I need to learn to take things slow and see what happens, rather than have a plan which cannot be deviated from! I apologise to the family we were with, as I know I probably rushed them a lot, when they were just trying to relax and enjoy their holiday! I know I need to work on slowing my pace and not panicking about keeping Chloe occupied every minute of the day.

We had such a great time away and I am thankful to God that he is constantly teaching J and I how to parent in every situation, I am so excited to make more new memories with my family, especially holidays where we all grow closer and which my children will remember and value when they are grown-up. I am sure that God's plan for the family is to have adventures together and to discover more about the world he has given us.

Grace for shopping trips!

We've had a bit of a stressful morning going into town to do some shopping for our holiday. I'm not sure why but Chloe has woken up today with an extremely short fuse and was definitely not in the mood to look round shops! We try to make shopping fun for her by letting her walk some of the way, stopping at the soft play provided by the shopping centre and stopping for lunch/coffe and a cake.

Today Chloe was having none of it! The worst part was stopping for lunch at Debenhams cafe, where we got Chloe a kids lunchbox which consisted of a ham sandwich, crisps, fruit, juice and a 'treat'. Yesterday she ate almost exactly the same lunch when I was out with my antenatal friends but today she refused to have any sandwich or fruit and only wanted the crisps, which we were limiting until she ate some more 'healthy' food. This trick usually works but Chloe suddenly lost it and was throwing food on the floor, screaming, hitting etc! I'd never seen her like this before, especially about food so I was completely caught off guard. I think J was just as horrified as I was, as the people round us turned to watch her temper tantrum. We hurriedly distracted her with the juice and ate our lunches as fast as possible!

The rest of the outing carried on in a similar fashion, with Chloe sticking out her lip about everything and occasionally screaming in protest in the middle of shops. I suspect there is some underlying cause for her behaviour today, as this was very extreme for her! Maybe her molars are coming through?!

The thing that surprised me today was that I didn't get as annoyed or stressed as I usually do when she plays up. Instead I felt a real surge of love and grace towards my angry little girl. It upsets me to think that she can get so frustrated and angry at the world at her age and pushes away our attempts at showing love towards her. When I put her to bed Chloe wouldn't hug me and instead had a tantrum about having a nap at all. I didn't take offence but told her I loved her no matter how she behaves. God is softening my heart so that I don't get worked up and let my disappointment with Chloe's behaviour affect how I love her. It's completely his work and I am so thankful for it! As J and I were discussing in the car, children aren't given to us as perfect little packages but they're given to us without knowing how to behave or what is acceptable. I now pray God will help me to teach Chloe how to handle these fustrated emotions in a better way!

Fitting in family time

I haven't posted for a while because I agreed to do GCSE marking for the second year and it has been very time-consuming. My mum has been looking after Chloe whilst I mark on the days I am not at my proper job teaching! So I am getting a taste of what full-time work is like and I am finding it very stressful. I have new found respect for those of you who do work full-time! It is exhausting working hard all day and then switching back into Mummy mode -  picking up your child, collecting all their things, getting them home and starting the bedtime routine almost immediately. I am also quite sad about the lack of quality time I am having with Chloe and having to be told by my Mum or Mother-in-law what she has been up to today, how she's behaved/slept/eaten etc. I miss being the main person in her life! I know I am extremely blessed that I only have to do this for a season (until next Weds in fact!) and not forever.

The important thing for me is trying to fit in special family time when I have a few minutes with Chloe, especially when J is here too. A game Chloe has become used to playing before bed is going upstairs with Daddy to run the bath and whilst it's running they both hide under the duvet and stay very quiet. I then come upstairs and go through the process of 'Where are Daddy and Chloe? Are they in the bathroom?...No. Are they in Chloe's bedroom?...No. Are they under the duvet?...YES!' She is happy to play this again and again and I am trying to make myself slow down and enjoy these moments instead of thinking 'I'm exhausted, I just need you to go to bed quickly'.

I will post more soon - only 200 more essays to go!

He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still water.

There's a gale raging outside my window this morning. I've opened the window to let the steam from the shower out (we don't have a window in the bathroom) and it is so loud I'm going to have to close it again soon. I've always had this strange fear of strong winds. I think it's connected to when my family used to go camping when we were little or to Bible camps and I used to get scared the tent would blow down. So I'm not enjoying the wind this morning!

I feel like life's a bit stormy at the moment (sorry about the cheesy analogy!) - nothing awful going on but just lots of 'stuff' that is bogging me down and planting little seeds of worry. You know when things feel a bit on top of you? I often feel guilty when I complain to God about all the things that are stressing me, which are so insignificant compared to what others are going through. But I am so thankful that my God is big enough to deal with huge problems and compassionate enough to care about my little niggles.

I am reading through a Bible study guide which is looking at the theme of water. I've never really used a study guide like this before, so it's opened up a new way of reading God's word which I'm enjoying. I feel quite drawn to looking at my life using water as a picture to help me understand. For example, Jesus calmed the storms at Galilee showing his mastery over all creation - so when I see a gale like the one outside, it is testament to how powerful God is, as he could calm it in an instant.

The passage last night was the very familiar Psalm 23. I memorised this as a child (as I'm sure lots of people did) and sometimes I find that unhelpful because the meaning can get lost in the familiarity of the verses. But the study guide talked through each verse and I was really struck with this part:

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters

The study guide suggested meditating on those verses, imagining Jesus leading you to a beautiful green meadow where you lie down in safety, next a gentle stream. I know this sort of meditation isn't for everyone but it really reminded me of when I was a child and I used to do this a lot when I was in worship. I used to always imagine myself in the countryside spending time with Jesus - this is something I had forgotten until reading the guide! Last night as I was stressing about various things, what I really needed was to lie down in safety and spend time letting Jesus shoulder my burdens and give me peace. I don't do this enough and it such a calming, rewarding exercise; to 'be still and know that I am God' (Psalm 46:10). Thank you Jesus for being my good shepherd.

Great days and not-so-great days

Recently Chloe has been teaching me that children are little people who have emotions just like adults and this can mean that some days are great and other days are not-so-great, or they can be pretty awful! I find it interesting that my usually sweet, polite, smiley, little girl can wake up the next morning and behave in completely the opposite way! She demonstrated this at the weekend; when she first visited my grandparents on Friday (during their weekend stay at my parents) she was not in a good mood. This bad mood lasted until Sunday afternoon. I'd never seen anything like it! Chloe was having a tantrum about every little thing I wanted her to do - clean her teeth, put clothes on, go downstairs, get in the car, sit in the buggy etc. Also every little thing she wanted to do which she couldn't e.g. - go outside without shoes on or before she had sun cream put on. And she'd get herself so worked up, to the point of crying hysterically over something very trivial! I'm guessing this is the start of the 'terrible two's' - if you start them early do they finish early?!

However today Chloe woke up and she didn't immediately scream the place down but chatted happily to herself and gave me a big smile when I came in with her milk. She was really patient sitting in her buggy when we went into town with Mum and Dad and my grandparents and played happily with her Peppa Pig magazine whilst we had a coffee. When I put her down for her nap she gave me the biggest cuddle and started stroking my back, saying 'love you Mummy'. It was such a special moment! A big change from having to put her down for her nap early yesterday because she threw her lunch all over the floor!

I think as parents we have to allow our children to have bad days and not panic when they seem out of control or extremely selfish some of the time. Chloe may have had a tooth coming through or a headache or the heat may have got to her which caused her bad mood. Or maybe children are affected by their changing bodies or even hormones, I don't know? They have to learn so much and so quickly that sometimes their emotions can just errupt! I wonder if there is a difference between boys and girls in this?

I am really encouraged when people tell me their children have had 'bad days' and have thrown tantrums and been stroppy and difficult. I like to know I'm not alone and that Chloe's behaviour is completely normal (the book Toddler Taming is incredibly good at showing you that toddlers' behaviour can be very testing but completely normal!). Sometimes it seems that mums are very aware of creating a 'negative' impression of their children so they only tell you the good but never the bad, which sets an unrealistic standard for the rest of us. Parenting is hard work and I think it is really healthy to share the bad with the good.

I need to remember that: tomorrow is another day with (hopefully) another mood!

Sunny days!

I just had to blog and say - what a blessing sunny days are!! We have had such an amazing few days being out in the garden or at the park or visiting Wisley Gardens. My grandparents have been visiting this weekend and they came to ours on Saturday evening. We sat outside all evening with glasses of wine and Chloe running round entertaining us. It feels so healthy for Chloe to enjoy playing with rocks, leaves, pine cones etc and getting a bit of colour (although not much as she has my husband's ultra pale skin!).
 It's also very helpful having Chloe running around with few clothes on and eating in the garden - saves on lots of washing and housework! Below is a photo of Chloe playing with my parents' dog in the garden.

Home

Chloe has been ill again so we have been at home a lot the last few days. I had to have my first day off work because no-one else could have her today, which felt very strange - being well myself and missing work. Today we haven't left the house/garden because I didn't feel I could go out when missing work (and Chloe really needed a quiet day at home). Thankfully she seems a lot better so the cabin-fever was worth it!

Being at home has made me think about how much I love making a 'home'. I have always been very happy to be at home and I naturally like to 'nest' and make a place my own. I would say I'm fairly house-proud; I like things tidy-ish and enjoy housework (to an extent!). We own a small two-bedroom house with a garden which goes out the front and round the side (our house is a back-to-back house so we don't have a back garden). Although our house is fairly tiny, I really love it and feel very settled here.

This love of 'home' was once described to me as a foretaste of heaven. Our spirits long for a sense of belonging and security which will one day be fulfilled when we enter our home in heaven. However until then we can create godly homes which are welcoming and comforting.

I think this is true no matter what your situation - renting, owning, lodging with someone else etc. Something I feel strongly about is that our 'perfect' idea of home is not always God's plan for us. Many people now find it difficult to buy their own property and this is often what people aim for before starting a family. I can understand owning a property can offer more stability but I don't necessarily agree that it offers a 'better' environment to raise children. Often it means increased financial pressure and unexpected bills. When we first had Chloe we were staying with my parents and then rented their house whilst they were India. I know many people wouldn't have seen this as an 'ideal' scenario for starting a family but we felt we were ready and in the end it worked out perfectly. This allowed us to save enough money to buy but we also considered renting when we were looking at properties.

I know it's very easy for me to say the above now that we own our own house. But this property is not going to be 'ideal' for long. The second bedroom is only a single (fairly large single) and we only have one reception room and a kitchen downstairs. Because our garden is round the front and side, it has a path running through the front which our neighbours use to get their house so it is not contained. But I love it and we are planning on being here for several years. This will mean when we have a second child they will have to share a fairly small room with Chloe but we will make it work. We will just have to be clever with space!

Something which my pastor said a while ago (I may have mentioned it in a blog before?) was that 'God will meet your needs. But he does not owe you a middle-class lifestyle'. We think we need to own a house, that children need a room each and that our families will be happy with more space. But I doubt this is true and if you feel it is time to start a family or grow your existing family then circumstances should not hold you back x



PS - I am not saying that we should be reckless in planning our families or not sensible when considering practicalities. Just that we shouldn't aim for a 'perfect' home before we feel it's the right time. It may never happen!

Passion!

I love this blog because sometimes I feel really stirred about something or bursting with passion and I don't feel I have any other outlet! Jon or friends will listen to a certain extent but I could go on for hours sometimes so it's nice to have somewhere to put it all in writing.

At the moment I am feeling a brand new passion for parenting and in particular being a sacrificial mum. So very appropriate for this blog! I have been reading about the Scholes family in their blog (see last post) and also another family they mention on their blog who are going through/gone through a child having a terminal illness. It doesn't make for happy reading and I have had to stop myself today because I was getting quite distraught going through these blogs. They are truly amazing because they offer such a godly perspective on illness and death and their enduring faith is very inspiring. But then there are moments when they describe all the little things their child does that they will miss or the happier memories they had together and they just break my heart.

(Side note - on the Parenting Course this week, as a starter, we had to say one good thing about our characters. It's such a hard thing to praise yourself and especially when you are only given a minute to think about it! From nowhere I came up with 'compassionate' and that when people are in pain I really feel it. I hadn't considered this much before but I do think this is true; especially when reading blogs like the ones I have been describing. J was worried something was seriously wrong when he came back from mowing the lawn and found me sobbing on our bed. It all seems so much more poignant having a daughter and thinking about the things that I would most miss if she were to die. I pray that God will help me to use this compassion for good, rather than simply getting myself into a state!)

Anyway... these blogs have SO inspired me about the amazingness (not a real word) of parenthood and how it is such a wonderful sacrifice. You give a huge part of yourself to your child, investing emotions, time, energy, hopes, dreams etc. I love my little girl so intensely and I feel privileged to care for her. If there is anyone out there reading this who is in any doubt about how worthwhile having children is, then please let me tell you that it has brought J and myself so much joy and satisfaction. I can't think of anything which has been more rewarding. I want to put this on my blog because I think it is really important to say these things and to proclaim an enjoyment and a fulfilment through parenthood, which the world hardly ever portrays. It is also something which I think is very hard to portray in church because of fears of hurting those who desperately want children but can't have them (biologically or through circumstance). Parenthood is wonderful and I feel so blessed to be on this amazing adventure.

It has also made me change my mind in the last few days about having only 2 children. I thought I only wanted 2 because that number seemed nice and manageable, especially financially. There was a photo on the Scholes' blog which has really challenged this for me and it was of the 5 children wearing different coloured hoodies but all with the same slogan - 'Team Scholes'. I love this! I can imagine that having a large family must feel like being part of a team. It may be chaos but it's fun chaos! I guess we should have one more and then see how we feel! Watch this space!

An inspirational family - Scholes family

This is a very quick post recommending another blog which a friend recently brought to my attention:

http://fullhands.blogspot.co.uk/

It is about the Scholes family and in particular their son who has a terminal illness. It is heart-breaking to read but at the same time very inspiring and challenging, as their faith in such an awful time is incredible.

Bonding

I have found recently that I find leaving Chloe harder than I used to and I miss her more when I'm away from her. It made me wonder about how the bonds between parents and children change over time. I feel like I can be completely honest in this blog so please don't judge me when I say what I'm about to say! When Chloe was born I found it hard to feel a bond with her straight away. My love for her was absolute and overwhelming from the beginning - that is the part that is objective and not changed by time.

However I have found that my bond with Chloe has changed. At the start I felt almost scared of this new person who had joined our family. I think I was a little taken aback by how much responsibility had suddenly been dropped on my shoulders. I felt such extreme pressure to be a perfect mum for this tiny baby that I didn't spend much time enjoying her. All this meant that I was very happy for lots of people to come and help me/hold her for a while/look after her while I rested. I felt so ill-equipped to care for this little baby that it was no problem others looking after her!

Things have changed over time and now Chloe is a toddler I really feel when she's not here. I worry that someone won't understand her little language or that she will ask for me or, knowing what mischief she can get into, she'll hurt herself. She has also become my friend! I don't know many people who could say that about a baby but now Chloe has grown a bit, I have got used to her company and like to share my day with her.

Chloe stayed overnight at my parents last night and I couldn't help but think ' what's she doing right now?' or 'what will she say when she wakes up at granny and grandpa's?' I love feeling so connected to my little girl!

By the way I do know that it is different for everyone and others will feel an immediate, strong connection with their newborn. For me that didn't happen but I don't think for one minute it has made me a worse mother. I'm wondering whether it will be different second time around when I know more about what I'm doing. I also worry about how a new baby will affect the wonderful bond I have with Chloe and whether I can have the same with a second without the one-on-one time I have had with Chloe. But they aren't questions I have to deal with yet!

I'd love to hear from people reading this blog, especially if you have experience of any of these issues. I think you can choose to comment below and you can remain anonymous if you want!

Talk soon x

Teacher / Parent?

I went to the Parenting Course I've been doing today and had a bit of a revelation! The topic was 'Talking' and how we speak to our children. It's not something I have thought much about really but it really struck me during the session so thought I would share.

The course leaders made the point that we often talk to our children in a very disrespectful way; in a way we would never use with anyone else. E.g. - 'Eat up quickly', 'don't put your coat there', 'come here now'. We then explored better ways of saying things; for example using 'I - messages', which means we say things like 'I feel upset because I don't like it when you hit Mummy'. This helps children to understand why you are giving commands and also shows them you are a real person who has feelings! I found some of the 'I-messages' a little contrived and not very realistic but I did like the general gist of speaking more respectfully to Chloe.

The main revelation I had was that I tend to go into 'teacher - mode' around Chloe. This means that I often order her around and speak to her sternly, trying to 'show her who's boss'. Now I'm writing this I'm cringing, as it makes me sound horrible! The good side of my experience teaching is that I am also very quick to encourage and tell Chloe when she's doing something well. With the ordering around - I think my teaching experience has made me think that I have to be very firm with laying down my expectations so that I don't get walked all over. For some reason I thought this would be the same with my children but it really isn't! I need to be emotionally available to Chloe and be able to share with her and explain things from my point of view, so that she feels the same with me. I can be vulnerable with her!

So my goal for this week is to have more time talking with Chloe and sharing how I feel with her. This hopefully will then gradually affect her actions, as she sees what effects they have.

In sickness and in health...

I was thinking about how it is funny that we have a set of vows that we promise when we get married - like 'in sickness and in health' - but when we have children, we just plunge into it without any of these promises. The commitment to our children will never be quite the same as the special, godly covenant between a husband and wife, but for the time that they are our responsibility, it can feel like a much greater tie. When Chloe is ill, life suddenly becomes a lot more complicated! She currently has a virus which includes a high temperature, sickness, refusing to eat, crying that she 'hurts' and needing lots of cuddles. Plans have to cancelled, emergency dr appointments made (we've been twice in last 2 days!) and early nights planned so that we can cope with the inevitable wake-ups during the night.

As well as this, as a mum I just don't feel right when Chloe is ill. J gave me the opportunity to go out last night as originally planned but I couldn't do it! I am normally fine at having time away from my daughter but when she is ill it's a different story. I need to be there for her if she needs me. I feel so protective and angry that she has to go through such horrible pain and distress. It's a cliche but I do wish I could go through it for her! Is this what Jesus felt about us when he died on the cross in our place? Obviously to a much greater extent! Thank you Lord, for loving me so much.

I'm praying Chloe gets better very soon x

Funny things Chloe says

I thought it would be nice to record the funny things Chloe is saying at the moment. I have been amazed at how quick language acquisition is once children start. Chloe says something new every day - no exaggeration. She is very keen to copy everything we say and will ask if she's unsure what something is.
So here are the more amusing things she comes out with:
 'baddy' - this is her name for Granny! (my mum)
'mo-mo' - Michael
'Si- Si' - Simon
'abo de sty' - this is Chloe's version of 'up above the world do high' from twinkle twinkle.
 'what's this?' - anything she hasn't seen before!
 'tenna' - her current name for herself!
 'chocolate cake' - anything which is brown is now chocolate cake.
 'sorry Jess' - anytime Chloe gets close to my parents' dog, she says sorry for stepping on her, before she does it.
'mummy's go' - even when it's down a kiddie's slide!
 'ready...go' - her favourite game, running everywhere.
 'show me show me' - favourite tv programme
 'ahhh buggy' - hugging her buggy!
 I'm sure I've forgotten loads but that's all I can remember for now.

Proud Mummy moment!

I just had to share something that happened today that made me feel so proud of Chloe! I had to post it here because I'm trying very hard not to sound like I'm 'boasting' on Facebook, something which I probably do far too much. But here I'm hoping you'll forgive me!

I went to a parenting course today, which will be the first of 5 sessions. I will probably post some thoughts about what we learnt some other time because this will have to be a very quick blog. Chloe went to a creche facility which was provided by the church (not the church I go to, as we're in the process of setting up our parents' ministry). When I went to collect Chloe from the creche, the lady in charge rushed over and said, "Chloe is just delightful! She's been so kind and generous with everyone!' I was so, so proud of her! She was sitting colouring happily, with no worries about being left with people she didn't know.

After my last post, I am so aware that these are the characteristics I should be encouraging and having Chloe being called 'kind and generous' by someone I don't know means a lot! Means much more than having her called 'pretty'.

What my kids will think I value in them

This is a confusing title but I'll explain... I've been thinking about what Chloe would think I value in her by what I say to other people, what I say to her and the way I treat her. I'm sure most of it probably goes over her head at the moment but I know some of it is being absorbed and as she gets older she will be shaped by the things I transmit to her (scary thought!). As I raise my children I want to instil godly values that will be healthy and encouraging to them.

So these are my thoughts so far:

 I think at the moment I put too much emphasis on what Chloe looks like. I will call her 'beautiful', 'gorgeous', 'pretty' and when I'm talking to people, we will often spend time discussing her looks, especially her hair! Sometimes it's not always positive; for example I often complain about how wild her hair looks most of the time. I will talk about her continuing cradle cap, or the way her belly has started poking out a lot more! All of this is said with love (I am not worried about Chloe's weight btw, just joking how she's started liking her food a lot more) but I think it's placing too high a value on physical appearance. I obviously will keep calling her 'beautiful', as that's a lovely thing for a little girl to hear (and it's true!) but I would hate to think that she is admired just because of her looks.

Another trap I don't want to fall into is becoming a slave to children's fashion. I like to dress Chloe in nice clothes and I am quite particular about I put her in. However sometimes I feel the pressure to make her look 'trendy' and to compete with other mums I know who seem to have a limitless budget when it comes to clothes of their children! I always want to put Chloe's comfort first and if I think it looks nice then it shouldn't matter about anyone else. I know I need to be careful when I'm dressing Chloe, that I don't give false importance to what she wears. She shouldn't be defined by what she wears - especially when she is so young!

One last negative which I sometimes do find myself falling into, is labelling. When I was younger I was always labelled as 'shy' and 'quiet'. This has stayed with my into adult life and I have always thought of it as a negative quality that people look down on. I have become a lot more confident and I don't think it's as obvious anymore but I am naturally an introvert and not keen on being centre of attention (for some reason teaching is different!). I don't want Chloe to be labelled - I want her to be free to discover her personality without anyone implying that certain qualities are to be looked down on. If she is quiet then that is fine (this makes me smile because at the moment she is one of the loudest children I know!). The sort of labels I sometimes use at the moment - usually when she is having a bad day - are: grumpy, naughty, stroppy, pickle, loud, silly, crazy. This list doesn't sound very nice but it is so easy to say these words when you're in an irritable mood! eg - 'Stop touching the tv, you're very naughty', 'don't scream, you're so loud!', 'why are you jumping off the sofa? You are being crazy!' I think these should be avoided because calling your child 'naughty' or any of the others, is putting the thought in their head that they are that quality and limiting their ability to display better behaviour.

What are the values I want to communicate to Chloe then? I want her to know about Jesus and all he has done for her. And I want her to put others before herself. I know this is asking a lot from a toddler but if I keep repeating them enough and try to include those two fundamentals in all we do then she should pick it up quickly enough! I am planning on making a poster / piece of art / wall-hanging for her room which says: JOY - Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last.
I then want to show my love for her by praising godly qualities. So instead of 'You're a beautiful girl', I want to say 'You're a kind, thoughtful girl'. I want to go out of my way to praise behaviour that models Jesus' love eg - sharing food with a friend, helping to pack away toys, being polite and friendly etc.

Of course the best way to communicate values to children is to model them ourselves, so this is my first challenge. I love that being a Mum inspires me to love God more!

Happy families

This is a super quick post, just so you know I haven't given up on my blog! Things are very hectic at present, as my brother-in-law and family are over from the US (with our nephew who is the same age as Chloe; he's so sweet!). Also my parents have just returned from India where they have been living for the last 18 months - hooray! So life is very exciting but busy at the moment. I have hardly been home and now I am, I need to clean and have a bit of a sleep before the madness starts again. Plans for this week include: trip to the Watercress Line (to see Thomas the Tank Engine), a wedding in Brighton, Good Friday lunch with J's family, a 3 day trip to Bedford to see my grandparents and some uni friends coming to visit; phew! Wish me luck :)

Names!

I have developed a bit of an obession recently: I cannot stop thinking about baby names and I'm not even pregnant again! I don't remember being like this even when pregnant with Chloe, although we had decided on her name long before we planned her. I'm sad that I can't put the story of her name on here (as I'm still trying to maintain some degree of anonymity by not using her proper name - see About Me details for reasons for this).

I love creating lists of names that I like. I have had a list since I was in my mid-teens, although they have changed a lot since then ha! I remember liking names like 'Ethan' and 'Callie' and many from American tv shows which I watched. Now I have a long excel spreadsheet with names for boys and girls. I think the difference with planning for our next child is that we don't have a stand-out name for either a boy or a girl and that bothers me. I will like a name for a week or two and then really dislike it. What would happen if you had already named your child and then decided you didn't like it? I don't know anyone who has changed their baby's name but I have read about it on other baby blogs/forums. I will keep looking for names which I really love.

The types of names I like are either 'granny/grandad' chic or unusual but familiar modern names. I'll give you some examples for these two catergories (but only names we won't be using!).

Granny/grandad chic - Arthur, Agnes, Edwin, Elsa (I seem to like vowel names in this catergory).

Unusual but familiar modern - Keaton, Harrison, Luca, Seren, Solene, Tierney

I also really like French or Italian names as you can probably see from some of my choices.

Types of names I'm not keen on (for our children, not on other people's!) are made up names, names which are spelt a strange way just to make them seem different (e.g. - Caytee or Emilea!) and I'm also not very keen on Biblical names for the simple reason as I know lots of people who have called their children after Biblical character and it feels a bit like 'jumping on the bandwagon' if you see what I mean! This is a shame as there are some Biblical names I really like.

A YouTube vlog I've really enjoyed in by Anastasia Ruby, who gives lots of lovely (but sometimes very out there!) ideas. But then I do have a weird obsession so most people probably wouldn't enjoy this as much as me.

The importance of friendship

I have had a really lovely morning, meeting up with some on my antenatal friends and their babies. I'm so happy we've managed to keep in touch, even though we don't meet as frequently as we did. It's very reassuring to know people with children the same age as yours - you can compare issues, encourage eachother and offer advice and the children can entertain each other! We go regularly to a church cafe which is very child-friendly with lots of toys and a large area for them to play. I wish there were more places like this! I am hoping that when my church gets its own building  we could do something similar - such a blessing to the community.

Chloe was in an extra cute mood, which was lovely for mummy! She was playing really well, not running off, being kind and gentle to her friends, say please and thank you; in other words making me very proud. These are the days I need to hold in my mind when she isn't in such an obliging mood and realise that all the disciplining is so that Chloe grows into a beautiful, polite, kind little girl like she was this morning.

When we were leaving I told Chloe to say goodbye to her friends. To her this means giving out kisses so she went round kissing each toddler and their mums. A funny moment was when she went to kiss one of the boys and another boy she had just kissed ran up and got in between them for another kiss! Being fought over already haha! I love how affectionate Chloe is.

Can you tell I'm in a good mood?!

Young children and church!

This topic is fresh in my mind after a rather stressful morning at church yesterday! And when I say 'church' in the title I am talking more about Sunday morning church services. If I'm completely honest they have become a bit like work recently. J and I both serve on set-up teams and we have decided to just take one car so we always seem to have to be there early! This takes a huuuge effort to get everything ready for Chloe in time and we will normally be running a little late which then causes tension. I am also responsible for creche so there is the added pressure of making sure all the toys are out and the people running creche are at church and realise they are on that Sunday. If they aren't there then I have to step in. I'm not trying to impress anyone with this list of responsibilities - there are many people who do much more than we do - but giving you an idea of how it can be a very stressful morning.

Then when we actually get to the service, it seems like a battle trying to get Chloe to behave enough in order to enjoy the worship. No matter how many toys, books, crayons etc we have, it is much more fun to run around, make noise and crash into people's legs! I really miss engaging in worship and I think J and I need to work harder at taking it in turns to enjoy worship toddler-free. (As a side note, there are several people at church who I am MASSIVELY grateful to for entertaining Chloe for us during worship - you are lifesavers!). When Chloe goes to creche it is lovely because we know she is having a great time with her friends and we can listen to the preach without distraction. However it is very difficult to respond to any calls to prayer afterwards due to needing to collect Chloe from the creche or to set-down.

All of the above sounds very self-pitying and I can often feel like this! But this is such a mistake and leads to a very negative experience of church. I have realised that part of my negative thinking comes from the belief that everyone is watching to see how we handle Chloe's excitable behaviour at church and judging us if she seems a bit wild! Yesterday it was Mother's Day and we had teaching on motherhood. One of the women speaking said that often there is more pressure being in a church community. I can definitely see this - we have higher expectations of our children and therefore there is a greater pressure when we are around other Christians for our children to behave! Being completely honest, I can feel embaressed to the point of tears when Chloe refuses to do what we say and seems to be distracting everyone around when they are trying to worship. I want everyone to love her like I do and I would hate people to have a negative view of my daughter or label her as 'difficult'.

This thinking is so wrong however! If we are truly a church family then we accept eachother as we are and we all have a responsibility to children in the church. At Chloe's dedication the church promised to help with raising Chloe and I think that should take the pressure off parents for their children to 'perform' at church, as everyone is a 'god-parent' to the children. It is easy to feel isolated as a parent and daunted by the responsibility of raising children but our church family should be there for support and help. They aren't there to judge or condemn (or they shouldn't be).

I have had no evidence of people judging Chloe - if anything I only get wonderful comments about her. So I know I should snap out of putting her and myself down and accept that life will be a bit chaotic while we go through the toddler years. We can only do our best and give the rest to God.

High expectations and buckets of grace

If you have children already or probably even more if you don't but want a family some day, I would suggest that we all have high expectations of the values that will be important for our family. We read a book when I was pregnant which got us to write down all the values that would be important to us. The top ones were all about being loved and accepted no matter what. Immediately after were values like treating others with respect, being obedient straight away, sharing and being generous with people who come to our house and displaying Jesus to people wherever we go.

When you have your baby you can still have these high expectations for how family life will be - a little baby still seems so mouldable (is that a word?!). I'm discovering that as that baby enters the toddler years you start to wonder whether those expectations are realistic! I certainly can't claim that Chloe is obedient straight away at the moment! It has made me think about whether those expectations are too much and whether I should settle for something less. Having high expectations is tiring, as you have to work very hard to get anywhere close to them. It also puts a lot of pressure on your child and can make you view them in a bad light, especially when they always seem to fall short.

This sounds very negative but I think it's a big reality and one which can be hard to come to terms with. Children aren't born with the values you have for your family - you have to mould and teach them and that is hard work! Like most aspects of parenting, you can draw a parallel with God and us. He has very high expectations of us... but he also has 'grace upon grace' (John 1:16) for us. So we can learn from the best Father by not lowering our expectations for our children but by having buckets and buckets of grace! This can be very difficult but like anything that is hard I really believe that if God has charged you with looking after children then he will help you in this. As Chloe kicks and screams as I try to change her nappy God will give me the strength to love and forgive her!

Changes

Something that always seems to throw me and which has also surprised other mums I've spoken to is the fact that children change! I am very routine-based parent and I like knowing what Chloe is going to do during the day. So when she began to drop naps after I was happily into a good routine it was hard to adjust. I remember really enjoying Chloe's morning nap because it gave me a chance to get ready and showered. I miss those days! Now Chloe seems to be changing again and having much more of an opinion when it comes to what she eats or does during the day. Things she used to be good about like cleaning teeth she now point blank refuses! None of this should surprise me as she is heading for the terrible 2s after all! But every time Chloe changes it manages to catch me out. My baby is growing up and there's no going back!

Spring has sprung!

I've been feeling really happy this week and the main reason for this is the feeling that spring has arrived. In a week there seem to be daffodils everywhere & it is actually getting light when Chloe wakes at half 6 in the morning. The weather has generally been sunny and it helps you appreciate how beautiful God's creation is. I went on a bike ride with Chloe today as J was working. It was a bit scary because with the child seat on my bike the seat has to be really high so it's hard to touch the ground! I stuck to cycle paths & quiet roads but was still very nervous! I'm planning to use my bike more over the summer as petrol is getting so expensive. I think I'll be visiting my parents a lot when they get back from India & they live a 20 min walk away so it will be helpful to cycle some of the time.

Another thing which has made me happy is that Chloe is getting to the age where she understands enough that I can start to reason with her which makes everything easier! For example I can say 'eat some cucumber first & then you can have some crisps' or 'you can go on the slide one last time and then we need to go'. I am slightly amazed at how I can avert confrontation through communicating with Chloe. Toddlers are more reasonable than we think they are!

Having said that, I'm feeling a little nervous about church tomorrow as Chloe has been quite difficult the last few weeks. She loves the space & the attention from everyone which sends her a little hyper! It can be hard to cope with this especially as J is on support & needs to help put out chairs & then afterwards put it all away again. I know I have to have grace with Chloe & understand from her perspective. It's hard work though!